I don't know how to feel or what to say. I "know" a lot, yet words don't seem as comforting as a simple embrace right now...
Grandma asked us to move her yesterday afternoon (around 3pm), to make her more comfortable. That was the last time she spoke or opened her eyes. She laid like that for 6 hours, breathing slowly and lying so still and peaceful. Lani wouldn't leave her side, but just held her hand, faithfully. We all took turns holding her hand, her hand that wouldn't squeeze back...and we watched her breathe, kissed her gently, and told her that we "love her".
While we were getting ready for bed, and the house was quiet, Grandma went Home...while Lani held her hand. I had been in the kitchen talking with Jenny...when I came back in the room Lani whispered to me, "Grandma's gone." It was almost like I couldn't hear her, because I asked her to repeat it like two more times before I finally got what she was telling me. But when those words entered my ears, I went over to Lani and hugged her. I just held her for a while. She whispered, "I promised her in the hospital that I wouldn't let her die alone." She had fulfilled that promise. Grandma died around 12:30am.
I went and told everyone else. When I woke up Grandpa, his first words were, "Thanks you, Father." He hugged me for about 2 minutes, then got up and we started to figure out what we needed to do and who we needed to call. Mom and Lani were just so torn up. I have never seen my mother cry so hard, or be so heartbroken. They just sat by Grandma and cried and cried. Mom couldn't believe she was gone, and kept saying through tears, "I want more time with her." We waited up for the nurse to come unhook her, and then we waited until the people from the funeral home to come get her body at 6am. I went upstairs before that time, because I really didn't want to be around when that happened. I had helped "settle" the household somewhat, and I helped Lani prepare Grandma's body with the clothes we wanted her to be buried in....and then I went up stairs and went to sleep. I was so wiped out in every way. Mama came up to snuggle with me later. I woke up about 9:30am, after mom got up to go down stairs. A new day had begun...but much different than the day before.
Grandma wanted to be buried 24hours after she died. So, that should be today some time. I don't know if they will get it that, since we are up against a weekend. So, it might be Monday. Grandpa keeps trying to explain to me that we can go see where Grandma is buried later... but I think at least Jenny and Mom want to be there when she is actually buried. I will be making arrangements for Grandma's memorial service today and tomorrow. Because, as far as I know, with scheduling and time restraints, that will probably happen on Sunday afternoon.
Thank you to everyone who has loved us these last few weeks, who have come to see us and hug us, who have brought food and flowers, who have sent cards, and who have prayed. Please continue to as you see fit. We are praising God that she is with Him...but we hurt that she's no here...and that's just the way it is. Love you!
Friday, March 28, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Wild Weather
It's getting harder and harder to watch grandma struggle. Our nights are full of her uneasiness, and of her not being aware of what's going on...brain activity and her body shutting down. We just try and keep her comfortable, but even that is beginning to becoming nearly impossible...as we don't know how best to help in that effort. It's very frustrating to want to be merciful, and yet not know how to do that for the person you're caring for. Last night she thought that she needed to go to the bathroom...mom, Lani, and I were there (it was about 1:30am). We decided that we wouldn't try to get her up. She really can't do that, but her brain is telling her she can. So, we told her that it was ok if she went there. She looked at us in complete shock almost, "What!?", she said. We tried to make it ok with her, but she just moved and moved, getting her body all worked up, because she didn't know what was going on or how to help herself. It ended up being that she didn't need to go. It could be her body shutting down, it could be her remembering things from the last couple few days...who knows really. But all we could do is watch her fight... we had to sit back and fight inside not to "act", as we had been doing for so long. Later that night, she did the same for needing to barf. Now, she did do that...but that was much later. She's remembering things that are going on, but she doesn't know when those things are happening... and it's painful for me (us) to watch!
I just keep praying for God to be merciful, and what He will help her to be calm and at peace with things...so that she can let go, and go Home. She just doesn't seem to be able to do that... it's like she's trying to "do" something, or that she's hanging on for something... but none of us know what that is! It's extremely frustrating for me, and I find myself wanting to just cry... my heart just hurts for her, and for all of us who are closely connected with her. Those of us who care for her at night, also care for her in the daytime (only with more help). So, for this to be a 24/7 thing, around the clock, is hard, especially when you are so emotionally and physically drained. Please add to your prayers that God will take grandma Home-- and even though I know that He will do that in His own time, I'm also asking that He do that for US...as it's just hard to keep going each day. We're all drained and exhausted, and we just want her to be at peace.
Thank you all for your love, and prayers.
I just keep praying for God to be merciful, and what He will help her to be calm and at peace with things...so that she can let go, and go Home. She just doesn't seem to be able to do that... it's like she's trying to "do" something, or that she's hanging on for something... but none of us know what that is! It's extremely frustrating for me, and I find myself wanting to just cry... my heart just hurts for her, and for all of us who are closely connected with her. Those of us who care for her at night, also care for her in the daytime (only with more help). So, for this to be a 24/7 thing, around the clock, is hard, especially when you are so emotionally and physically drained. Please add to your prayers that God will take grandma Home-- and even though I know that He will do that in His own time, I'm also asking that He do that for US...as it's just hard to keep going each day. We're all drained and exhausted, and we just want her to be at peace.
Thank you all for your love, and prayers.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Singing for Heaven...
I have really been amazed that I have continued these blogs like I have been! With all that's going on, and the day-to-day events...sometimes I feel like this week's been a month.
I didn't sleep much last night, probably 2 hours at most (and that was spread apart, 2-3 & 6-7am). But that's ok with me, because I wasn't tired...and me not sleeping means that others are!
That's really important, because otherwise they wouldn't be functional for taking care of things in the daytime. The needs daily are greater than those nightly. Another reason for my "un-sleep" is that Grandma has started breathing erratically...yesterday that started, and went all through the night. I just wanted someone to hear if she couldn't breathe and needed oxygen,
Today was an "ok" day for all of us. Some tears, some smiles, some laughter, some sing...with family and friends. Grandma has been sleeping for the last couple days, all day long. Her body is giving out, and everyday is new adventures for those of us who are helping to care for her. She can't really swallow anymore, and what she does consume (water, Tylenol, etc.) comes back up. She was able to keep down medicine yesterday, but that all changed today.
It's so hard to wait, and wait, and wait. To pray to the Lord for Him to take her home, and waiting on Him for that mercy. It was sweet of the elders from Bellevue and Dave Shaner to come and spend some time truly ministering to grandma's heart. They prayed over her (each of them took turns), then they shared how they loved her, they sang some (mom and I joined in... and grandma tried, in her minimal strength), and they read to her from God's Word. I'm very grateful for their merciful act of love in coming here to be with us for a little while. I think we as Christians should do more of that kind of "loving" than most of what we do...that goes for me too! People are the most important thing to God, and they were to Jesus when he was on earth. They need to be our "time" and our "importance", too. This is certainly something that I learned from watching my grandma's life. She loved people with much tenacity! :)
We really have been trying our best to cherish each moment that we have in a day right now. Grandma doesn't have that long left with us. She has moments of cognitive response... but for the most part, she is "out of it". Andy and Robin have been here almost every day this last week, Lani has been spending the night every night and caring for grandma during those hours, along with me. The rest of this household is trying to just manage daily stresses and cares, including feeding ourselves and resting well. It's amazing how much strength the Lord gives you when you don't trust your own strength. I guess that's the way it works anyway.
It's hard for me to understand myself. I'm pushing through like I always do, and doing it fairly well (most of us are doing the same)...but I feel like my emotions are on "hold". I cried so much on Sunday...probably for many reasons. But, since then, it's like a wall. I guess my time will come when the floodgates will be released and the water will come forth...but until then, I'm just doing what is needed.
For those of you who are reading this. I will blog to let you know when grandma passes. I will also leave the itinerary for the memorial service on here, so that you will know when and where that is happening. I certainly know the "where" (Bellevue C. of C.), but as to the "when"...only the Lord knows that one!
Thank you for your love, and know that we love you back!
I didn't sleep much last night, probably 2 hours at most (and that was spread apart, 2-3 & 6-7am). But that's ok with me, because I wasn't tired...and me not sleeping means that others are!
That's really important, because otherwise they wouldn't be functional for taking care of things in the daytime. The needs daily are greater than those nightly. Another reason for my "un-sleep" is that Grandma has started breathing erratically...yesterday that started, and went all through the night. I just wanted someone to hear if she couldn't breathe and needed oxygen,
Today was an "ok" day for all of us. Some tears, some smiles, some laughter, some sing...with family and friends. Grandma has been sleeping for the last couple days, all day long. Her body is giving out, and everyday is new adventures for those of us who are helping to care for her. She can't really swallow anymore, and what she does consume (water, Tylenol, etc.) comes back up. She was able to keep down medicine yesterday, but that all changed today.
It's so hard to wait, and wait, and wait. To pray to the Lord for Him to take her home, and waiting on Him for that mercy. It was sweet of the elders from Bellevue and Dave Shaner to come and spend some time truly ministering to grandma's heart. They prayed over her (each of them took turns), then they shared how they loved her, they sang some (mom and I joined in... and grandma tried, in her minimal strength), and they read to her from God's Word. I'm very grateful for their merciful act of love in coming here to be with us for a little while. I think we as Christians should do more of that kind of "loving" than most of what we do...that goes for me too! People are the most important thing to God, and they were to Jesus when he was on earth. They need to be our "time" and our "importance", too. This is certainly something that I learned from watching my grandma's life. She loved people with much tenacity! :)
We really have been trying our best to cherish each moment that we have in a day right now. Grandma doesn't have that long left with us. She has moments of cognitive response... but for the most part, she is "out of it". Andy and Robin have been here almost every day this last week, Lani has been spending the night every night and caring for grandma during those hours, along with me. The rest of this household is trying to just manage daily stresses and cares, including feeding ourselves and resting well. It's amazing how much strength the Lord gives you when you don't trust your own strength. I guess that's the way it works anyway.
It's hard for me to understand myself. I'm pushing through like I always do, and doing it fairly well (most of us are doing the same)...but I feel like my emotions are on "hold". I cried so much on Sunday...probably for many reasons. But, since then, it's like a wall. I guess my time will come when the floodgates will be released and the water will come forth...but until then, I'm just doing what is needed.
For those of you who are reading this. I will blog to let you know when grandma passes. I will also leave the itinerary for the memorial service on here, so that you will know when and where that is happening. I certainly know the "where" (Bellevue C. of C.), but as to the "when"...only the Lord knows that one!
Thank you for your love, and know that we love you back!
Monday, March 24, 2008
"Monday, Monday..."
Hello Everyone!
Hope you all had a wonderful Easter celebration with those you love!
I decided to take a break from blogging yesterday, because it was Easter and on top of that we had so many people in and out of the house (family and friends). I was wiped out all day, as I think I forgot to take my depression medication the night before. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep (Lani neither) since last Monday, so I took advantage of the chance and took a 3 1/2 hour "nap" once I got back from Assembly. I had the weirdest dream (I've been having those every couple days)...I dreamt that *I was napping, I needed to get up and "do stuff", but that I was so tired that I didn't.* I told mom later and she said (jokingly), "Jess, that wasn't a dream, that is reality!" It's true...that's my world right now.
So, you may have wondered over the weekend how Grandma is doing...let me share that with you...and a little bit of how our Easter Sunday went:
Our nights have been crazy here. Grandma seems to spike a temperature around 9 or 10 each night (sometimes later than that), and it usually takes us about 2 hours to get it back down to where Lani feel comfortable about doing some "sleeping".
If I remember right, Saturday night was hectic and I didn't get a lot of sleep (my memory of nights are running together, sorry). I woke up in the morning and got ready to take Jamy, Jenny, and Grandma to the Assembly. Grandpa almost didn't go, but I encouraged him because I know he needed to go (for his own spiritual and emotional health). So, we all went...I cried through service and held the girls' hands. Everything made me cry yesterday, which is good I guess...I needed to cry. We had a baptism after worship...of a young teen, a boy from a family I haven't met yet. So that was awesome!!!
When we got home from meeting with the church, my Uncle Andy was here with his family. They came to celebrate Easter with us. Robin (his wife) made us lunch, which was really sweet of her. It was nice to have them here. (Andy has been coming over everyday, and it's been good to have him with us.) They spent the whole day with us. Around 4:30pm I woke up to the sound of music in my ears! The Quartet (the "Rearrangers": John Parente, David Hogue, Stephen Lockwood, and Becca Turner) came to sing a few songs for Grandma. A couple of them brought their wives, and it was good to have them all with us for a while. These guys are close to my heart, as they are to all my family...they are certainly dearly loved by us! ("Thanks you for coming...you can't imagine how you ministered to our spirits!") Grandma had Lani get her ready for them to come, and then had Lani sit her in a big chair. This is the first time in days that she has done that, and I know that she did it for those who came to see her. My Grandma has always been one to put on her best face for company...and yesterday was no different! She even sang some, when she could, offered song requests, and made jokes. It was neat to see her "come to life" with those she loves. The Quartet always seems to come when she (and we) needs them the most...yesterday was one of those days.
Last night was a good night, for which I thank the Lord for. She threw up around 10:30pm, and that always exhausts her. Lani and I were barely making it through the first part of the night without totally going to sleep. So, I was grateful to God that her fever was early and minimal. It only got as high as 100.8, and we were able to quickly bring it down before 1am. After that she went to sleep (except for needing to get up once in the night), and we did too. I set my cell phone alarm for 4:30am, when we would need to give her more Tylenol...and then again, for 8:30am (by that time Grandpa was up). This morning the nurse came to check on her. He is a Christian and prays with Grandma (he's super sweet). I love how the Lord works things out like that! He's so amazing!! Our fence (on the side of the house) blew down yesterday with the wind, so Andy came today with "materials" and is fixing it today. We've had problems with that fence for a while, ever since the big windstorm (December 2006). We haven't really taken care of issues like that for a while, because since 2004 my grandparents have had cancer. This whole "health-stuff" has certainly been long in duration!
So, that's how things are, as of right now. Grandma's resting, we continue to do what's needed daily (for her, and for us). Thanks for all your prayers, and for your continued love and support!
Love in Christ, Jessica
Hope you all had a wonderful Easter celebration with those you love!
I decided to take a break from blogging yesterday, because it was Easter and on top of that we had so many people in and out of the house (family and friends). I was wiped out all day, as I think I forgot to take my depression medication the night before. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep (Lani neither) since last Monday, so I took advantage of the chance and took a 3 1/2 hour "nap" once I got back from Assembly. I had the weirdest dream (I've been having those every couple days)...I dreamt that *I was napping, I needed to get up and "do stuff", but that I was so tired that I didn't.* I told mom later and she said (jokingly), "Jess, that wasn't a dream, that is reality!" It's true...that's my world right now.
So, you may have wondered over the weekend how Grandma is doing...let me share that with you...and a little bit of how our Easter Sunday went:
Our nights have been crazy here. Grandma seems to spike a temperature around 9 or 10 each night (sometimes later than that), and it usually takes us about 2 hours to get it back down to where Lani feel comfortable about doing some "sleeping".
If I remember right, Saturday night was hectic and I didn't get a lot of sleep (my memory of nights are running together, sorry). I woke up in the morning and got ready to take Jamy, Jenny, and Grandma to the Assembly. Grandpa almost didn't go, but I encouraged him because I know he needed to go (for his own spiritual and emotional health). So, we all went...I cried through service and held the girls' hands. Everything made me cry yesterday, which is good I guess...I needed to cry. We had a baptism after worship...of a young teen, a boy from a family I haven't met yet. So that was awesome!!!
When we got home from meeting with the church, my Uncle Andy was here with his family. They came to celebrate Easter with us. Robin (his wife) made us lunch, which was really sweet of her. It was nice to have them here. (Andy has been coming over everyday, and it's been good to have him with us.) They spent the whole day with us. Around 4:30pm I woke up to the sound of music in my ears! The Quartet (the "Rearrangers": John Parente, David Hogue, Stephen Lockwood, and Becca Turner) came to sing a few songs for Grandma. A couple of them brought their wives, and it was good to have them all with us for a while. These guys are close to my heart, as they are to all my family...they are certainly dearly loved by us! ("Thanks you for coming...you can't imagine how you ministered to our spirits!") Grandma had Lani get her ready for them to come, and then had Lani sit her in a big chair. This is the first time in days that she has done that, and I know that she did it for those who came to see her. My Grandma has always been one to put on her best face for company...and yesterday was no different! She even sang some, when she could, offered song requests, and made jokes. It was neat to see her "come to life" with those she loves. The Quartet always seems to come when she (and we) needs them the most...yesterday was one of those days.
Last night was a good night, for which I thank the Lord for. She threw up around 10:30pm, and that always exhausts her. Lani and I were barely making it through the first part of the night without totally going to sleep. So, I was grateful to God that her fever was early and minimal. It only got as high as 100.8, and we were able to quickly bring it down before 1am. After that she went to sleep (except for needing to get up once in the night), and we did too. I set my cell phone alarm for 4:30am, when we would need to give her more Tylenol...and then again, for 8:30am (by that time Grandpa was up). This morning the nurse came to check on her. He is a Christian and prays with Grandma (he's super sweet). I love how the Lord works things out like that! He's so amazing!! Our fence (on the side of the house) blew down yesterday with the wind, so Andy came today with "materials" and is fixing it today. We've had problems with that fence for a while, ever since the big windstorm (December 2006). We haven't really taken care of issues like that for a while, because since 2004 my grandparents have had cancer. This whole "health-stuff" has certainly been long in duration!
So, that's how things are, as of right now. Grandma's resting, we continue to do what's needed daily (for her, and for us). Thanks for all your prayers, and for your continued love and support!
Love in Christ, Jessica
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Saturday Sunshine
I wish I could explain how these last few days have been...and I guess I have been trying to, but in reality, how do you put into words the emotions you feel when so many people around you are hurting--each in their own way. It's hard for me, as a "mercy shower" to comfort them all well... but I just keep trying to do my best. Do you ever have those moments when you feel like God has prepared you for a certain moment in time? I feel like He has been preparing me for this moment...to be able to minister to my family, and those who will miss my grandma after she goes home to be with the Lord. It's certainly nothing that I have inside...but all of what He is giving me to pass along to those around me. I have a peace that can't be explained, and a stamina that is surprising even myself.
It's been hard to see Grandpa cry...because he normally doesn't. But, as the days get closer both of them have been becoming more emotional. He said he was up from 1-4 crying last night and then finally went in and got some Benadryl to help him breathe. I just keep trying to give him big, long hugs and do what I can for him when I can. I did some organizing and cleaning of the house today...because things have just been moved and shoved into corners since about Christmas because my family's focus has been so wrapped up in caring for Grandma and Grandpa. It looks and feels better now, which makes me happy.
The hospice people brought her oxygen machine today (along with some extra, portable tanks), and a new porta-potty (a better, higher one). We also have been concerned about the bed they brought here for her being "broken". The guy checked it when he came today, and sure enough... it doesn't have some kind of bar in the middle, so she sinks. It's a bit annoying (to be perfectly honest...maddening) that they would even give a bed out that's like that!!! So, we have to wait until Monday to get it changed, and she's had that bed for about 2 weeks already. I think the reason why we didn't say anything is because-- 1) We were focused on too many other things, and 2) We didn't really know any different. Anyway, that's the deal.
Today's a bright sunny day...so that's lovely!!! :) Keep those prayers goin'! Thank you!
It's been hard to see Grandpa cry...because he normally doesn't. But, as the days get closer both of them have been becoming more emotional. He said he was up from 1-4 crying last night and then finally went in and got some Benadryl to help him breathe. I just keep trying to give him big, long hugs and do what I can for him when I can. I did some organizing and cleaning of the house today...because things have just been moved and shoved into corners since about Christmas because my family's focus has been so wrapped up in caring for Grandma and Grandpa. It looks and feels better now, which makes me happy.
The hospice people brought her oxygen machine today (along with some extra, portable tanks), and a new porta-potty (a better, higher one). We also have been concerned about the bed they brought here for her being "broken". The guy checked it when he came today, and sure enough... it doesn't have some kind of bar in the middle, so she sinks. It's a bit annoying (to be perfectly honest...maddening) that they would even give a bed out that's like that!!! So, we have to wait until Monday to get it changed, and she's had that bed for about 2 weeks already. I think the reason why we didn't say anything is because-- 1) We were focused on too many other things, and 2) We didn't really know any different. Anyway, that's the deal.
Today's a bright sunny day...so that's lovely!!! :) Keep those prayers goin'! Thank you!
Friday, March 21, 2008
Another Day...
Every day is unique at the Miller/Smith household. That's why I am the way I am! :)
Grandma is still able to get around to the bathroom, except for when her temperature is really high. At night sometimes she can't make it, so we have a porta-potty available for her. Nightlife around here is interesting. She is usually active around 2-5...so Lani and I are up with her about that time. For the most part, after 5 or 5:30 she sleeps well. Last night wasn't so good, she threw up again...which made her feel awful today. However, we had lots of company today and she was up and responsive when they were here. People charge her up, so even if she isn't feeling well she will wake up and "try" to entertain. :) That's just Grandma!
I think the hardest thing right now is when she gets in these really emotional moods. She'll be fine for a while, and then start crying and crying and saying stuff like "I'm sorry I won't be here to love you" or "I hope the girls know that I tried to fight...". I'll just hold her hand or kiss her face and say, "It's ok, Grandma...we understand...I love you." When she's in these moments, it's almost like she's in another part of her mind. That's what her anxiety meds help with, so we try to keep them faithfully flowing through her every 4 hours as suggested.
Please be praying for all of us here (here whole family)...some of us are dealing with this better than others. I guess this is the way it is in any family, but it's hard that right now it's mine. Some of us only cry in the dark, with no one around...others of us feel aright with being all "teary-eyed"...some, you have no idea what they're thinking or feeling (and they don't care to tell you). So, pray for me, as I try my best to be a comfort to my family...sometimes I don't know how.
Thank you, from all my family, for those who have called, sent cards, and have come by to visit. It means so much to all of us (especially to Grandma) that people are showing the love they have in their heart, and loving us with love of Christ. Just so you know...it would be better for us if those of you who call would do so after 10am and before 10pm. The home phone is in the living room, and that's where Grandma, Lani and I are sleeping. Thank you! You are greatly appreciated. For those of you who need the home phone, email me and I will give it to you.
Love you lots!
Jessica
Grandma is still able to get around to the bathroom, except for when her temperature is really high. At night sometimes she can't make it, so we have a porta-potty available for her. Nightlife around here is interesting. She is usually active around 2-5...so Lani and I are up with her about that time. For the most part, after 5 or 5:30 she sleeps well. Last night wasn't so good, she threw up again...which made her feel awful today. However, we had lots of company today and she was up and responsive when they were here. People charge her up, so even if she isn't feeling well she will wake up and "try" to entertain. :) That's just Grandma!
I think the hardest thing right now is when she gets in these really emotional moods. She'll be fine for a while, and then start crying and crying and saying stuff like "I'm sorry I won't be here to love you" or "I hope the girls know that I tried to fight...". I'll just hold her hand or kiss her face and say, "It's ok, Grandma...we understand...I love you." When she's in these moments, it's almost like she's in another part of her mind. That's what her anxiety meds help with, so we try to keep them faithfully flowing through her every 4 hours as suggested.
Please be praying for all of us here (here whole family)...some of us are dealing with this better than others. I guess this is the way it is in any family, but it's hard that right now it's mine. Some of us only cry in the dark, with no one around...others of us feel aright with being all "teary-eyed"...some, you have no idea what they're thinking or feeling (and they don't care to tell you). So, pray for me, as I try my best to be a comfort to my family...sometimes I don't know how.
Thank you, from all my family, for those who have called, sent cards, and have come by to visit. It means so much to all of us (especially to Grandma) that people are showing the love they have in their heart, and loving us with love of Christ. Just so you know...it would be better for us if those of you who call would do so after 10am and before 10pm. The home phone is in the living room, and that's where Grandma, Lani and I are sleeping. Thank you! You are greatly appreciated. For those of you who need the home phone, email me and I will give it to you.
Love you lots!
Jessica
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Ups and Downs
Yesterday was one of those days that you just keep moving and pray for the end.
She had a good night on Tuesday (for the most part), and the morning time was good. We had a visit from Dave Shaner (minister at Bellevue) and Jeb Bristow-Hanna (youth minister at Bellevue) in the early afternoon. Grandma was happy to see and talk with them. They had to wait in the dining room for a little bit while the nurse from the hospital got Grandma hooked up with the morphine drip that goes directly into her port (she can control her own pain meds, when she needs them). It runs continuously, and then she can hit it every 15 minutes if need be.
After Dave and Jeb left, we had a couple hours before our family friends got her from southern California. They have been long time friends of my grandparents, from when my grandparents lived in Lonpoc. They stayed the day (and night) with us.
About 6 in the evening she got the shakes again, which meant her fever was coming back up. Grandpa had covered her (she hates being cold), then I went in to check on her. She was doing the whole "I need to barf" thing again...but didn't. I just stayed there for about 10 minutes until she felt alright, then I checked her temperature (101.4) and then checked her medicine chart for when the last dose of Tylenol was given her. It was time for it, so I gave her that. I moved down the sidebars on her bed and wrapped my arm around her so that I could tell when she stopped shaking. I checked her temperature about every 30 mins. to see how it was declining or progressing. About 6:30 mom started singing with Andy (my uncle), and then everyone who was in the dining room came in...we sang for about 15 minutes. Then I checked Grandma's temperature again (she was really hot) and it was at 103.7. Far too high for her. So, I told mom and we hopped into action, trying to bring it down. I had grandpa call her doctor, but he couldn't get a hold of him...so I had him call 911. They sent someone out, they took her vitals and stuff... but the only thing they could have done was take her to the hospital. Even in her half "awake" state she said "no". I didn't mean for them to take her either, and I told them that...so they left. We finally got a hold of a nurse who told us to alternate Tylenol and Ibuprofen every 2 hours and put ice under her arms and stuff...so we did that. It took us about an hour to get it down to 101 again. It was really scary for me. Once she was out of "danger", I sat on her bed (she wanted to hold my hand) and tears streamed own my face. Mom came over and hugged me.
She had a better night. She actually sat up and talked with everyone until my uncles and his wife left. My aunt Lani stayed the night, in case I needed her help with Grandma. It was a rough night for me...up every 2 hours to give her meds. but she did really well sleeping, and I was thankful for that. Grandpa slept excellent last night (only once he get up, and he didn't even remember that)...and that is the whole reason why I'm sleeping in the living room! That makes me feel successful and truly thank the Lord that I am here. Grandpa has needed that sleep!
So far today, things are good.
Thanks for the continued prayers. Know that your love and thoughtfulness means so much to all of us. Grandpa was actually sitting by grandma this morning (around 8) and talking to me about how he's always appreciated God's people and the churches that he's been a part of...how they have come through when he's in need. It brought tears to his eyes.
Just know that your love is touching our hearts!
She had a good night on Tuesday (for the most part), and the morning time was good. We had a visit from Dave Shaner (minister at Bellevue) and Jeb Bristow-Hanna (youth minister at Bellevue) in the early afternoon. Grandma was happy to see and talk with them. They had to wait in the dining room for a little bit while the nurse from the hospital got Grandma hooked up with the morphine drip that goes directly into her port (she can control her own pain meds, when she needs them). It runs continuously, and then she can hit it every 15 minutes if need be.
After Dave and Jeb left, we had a couple hours before our family friends got her from southern California. They have been long time friends of my grandparents, from when my grandparents lived in Lonpoc. They stayed the day (and night) with us.
About 6 in the evening she got the shakes again, which meant her fever was coming back up. Grandpa had covered her (she hates being cold), then I went in to check on her. She was doing the whole "I need to barf" thing again...but didn't. I just stayed there for about 10 minutes until she felt alright, then I checked her temperature (101.4) and then checked her medicine chart for when the last dose of Tylenol was given her. It was time for it, so I gave her that. I moved down the sidebars on her bed and wrapped my arm around her so that I could tell when she stopped shaking. I checked her temperature about every 30 mins. to see how it was declining or progressing. About 6:30 mom started singing with Andy (my uncle), and then everyone who was in the dining room came in...we sang for about 15 minutes. Then I checked Grandma's temperature again (she was really hot) and it was at 103.7. Far too high for her. So, I told mom and we hopped into action, trying to bring it down. I had grandpa call her doctor, but he couldn't get a hold of him...so I had him call 911. They sent someone out, they took her vitals and stuff... but the only thing they could have done was take her to the hospital. Even in her half "awake" state she said "no". I didn't mean for them to take her either, and I told them that...so they left. We finally got a hold of a nurse who told us to alternate Tylenol and Ibuprofen every 2 hours and put ice under her arms and stuff...so we did that. It took us about an hour to get it down to 101 again. It was really scary for me. Once she was out of "danger", I sat on her bed (she wanted to hold my hand) and tears streamed own my face. Mom came over and hugged me.
She had a better night. She actually sat up and talked with everyone until my uncles and his wife left. My aunt Lani stayed the night, in case I needed her help with Grandma. It was a rough night for me...up every 2 hours to give her meds. but she did really well sleeping, and I was thankful for that. Grandpa slept excellent last night (only once he get up, and he didn't even remember that)...and that is the whole reason why I'm sleeping in the living room! That makes me feel successful and truly thank the Lord that I am here. Grandpa has needed that sleep!
So far today, things are good.
Thanks for the continued prayers. Know that your love and thoughtfulness means so much to all of us. Grandpa was actually sitting by grandma this morning (around 8) and talking to me about how he's always appreciated God's people and the churches that he's been a part of...how they have come through when he's in need. It brought tears to his eyes.
Just know that your love is touching our hearts!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Through the Night
Every day is filled with new adventures
...(some of them you don't really want to experience).
Yesterday was a good day for most of us. My Aunt Lani comes over every morning around 10 and stays until about noon...so we saw her. After that I stayed and watched over Grandma while she slept, so that Grandpa could sleep (because he had been up from 2-5 with Grandma that night--to and from the bathroom). Later in the day, my sisters and I took our dog (Jena) to Seward Park and walked around the 3 mile loop. It was a beautiful day, and Lake Washington was simply gorgeous! We stopped about half way around and threw rocks into the lake...seeing who could throw the furthest. It was a nice diversion for a while. We laughed a lot yesterday too, and I know all of us needed that. My sisters are hilarious! :)
Mom made lamb for Grandma in the afternoon, along with rice and mixed vegitables. Grandma has been wanting lamb for a while, and she just ate it up. She hasn't been eating much at all, so that was a good moment. She wanted me to eat lamb with her and remember Jesus (the Lamb, who takes away the sin of the world)...so Grandpa and I did just that.
Evenings seem to be the worst for Grandma. Around 7pm her fever came back up and even with tylenol she'll shake for about 30 minutes. She wanted mom to come and hold her hand until the shakes went away...so mom did that. Grandma just cried and cried, swimpered really...like a little child. I snuggled up to mom and held her while she held Grandma...and Grandma rambled things like, "I'm sorry I won't be able to be here to love you" (talking to mom). Mom could bearly handle it, this whole thing has been so tough on her...so she turned her head and placed it within the crevis of my neck and shed a few tears. If I was my mom, I would be crying more than she is, but it's hard for her to cry anyway. It was one of those moments you are just "in", but don't want to be.
Last night I told Grandpa that I would sleep out in the livingroom with Grandma, so that she would have someone to help walk her to the bathroom in the middle of the night (so that he could sleep). So, that's just what I did. We placed the 2 big chairs together with the ottoman in the middle, blankets and pillows, and "Voila!" a bed! :) Grandma woke up around 3 with a 100.9 fever (and she needed to go to the bathroom). Before I could get up, Grandpa was out there...so the two of us took her. After getting her back to bed, and gettng some tylenol in her and her anti-nausia/anxiety pill, I stayed up and sat with her for about 30 minutes. I had just gotten back in bed when she needed to go to the bathroom again, so I got her up and we walked. Grandpa came out to see if he could be of any help. After I brought her back to bed, I went into the kitchen to see what Grandpa was going (he gets in this mode of "doing", no matter what time of the day or night it is). I hugged him and said, "Grandpa, I'm sleeping in the livingroom for a reason...you should go back to bed." So, he did. I was glad, because he got a much better nights sleep last night. So, I will be doing that again tonight...because it seems to work for everyone involved. I can always take a nap, but he can't go all night and all day too.
This morning I woke up to Grandpa around 7am, and that was about the time when Grandma needed her tylenol and pill again. I went back to sleep for another hour or so after we got her comfortable again, and Grandpa headed off with a friend to the V.A. (vets. assoc.) to take care of something. Once Lani got here at 10, then mom woke up. Around 11 she called for Grandpa (while I was online) and so I went to see what she needed (he was on the phone). She needed a "barf bucket", so I pulled it over for her and she threw up. I think most of it was blood and water, which was sad...but is going to be part of the whole process (internal bleeding). The nurse is here right now to hook her up to a IV that will allow her to control her own flow of morphine.
So, that's the scoop of the last day.
Thank you for all your prayers!!! Know that they are a blessing to my family, and to myself.
I love you all.
...(some of them you don't really want to experience).
Yesterday was a good day for most of us. My Aunt Lani comes over every morning around 10 and stays until about noon...so we saw her. After that I stayed and watched over Grandma while she slept, so that Grandpa could sleep (because he had been up from 2-5 with Grandma that night--to and from the bathroom). Later in the day, my sisters and I took our dog (Jena) to Seward Park and walked around the 3 mile loop. It was a beautiful day, and Lake Washington was simply gorgeous! We stopped about half way around and threw rocks into the lake...seeing who could throw the furthest. It was a nice diversion for a while. We laughed a lot yesterday too, and I know all of us needed that. My sisters are hilarious! :)
Mom made lamb for Grandma in the afternoon, along with rice and mixed vegitables. Grandma has been wanting lamb for a while, and she just ate it up. She hasn't been eating much at all, so that was a good moment. She wanted me to eat lamb with her and remember Jesus (the Lamb, who takes away the sin of the world)...so Grandpa and I did just that.
Evenings seem to be the worst for Grandma. Around 7pm her fever came back up and even with tylenol she'll shake for about 30 minutes. She wanted mom to come and hold her hand until the shakes went away...so mom did that. Grandma just cried and cried, swimpered really...like a little child. I snuggled up to mom and held her while she held Grandma...and Grandma rambled things like, "I'm sorry I won't be able to be here to love you" (talking to mom). Mom could bearly handle it, this whole thing has been so tough on her...so she turned her head and placed it within the crevis of my neck and shed a few tears. If I was my mom, I would be crying more than she is, but it's hard for her to cry anyway. It was one of those moments you are just "in", but don't want to be.
Last night I told Grandpa that I would sleep out in the livingroom with Grandma, so that she would have someone to help walk her to the bathroom in the middle of the night (so that he could sleep). So, that's just what I did. We placed the 2 big chairs together with the ottoman in the middle, blankets and pillows, and "Voila!" a bed! :) Grandma woke up around 3 with a 100.9 fever (and she needed to go to the bathroom). Before I could get up, Grandpa was out there...so the two of us took her. After getting her back to bed, and gettng some tylenol in her and her anti-nausia/anxiety pill, I stayed up and sat with her for about 30 minutes. I had just gotten back in bed when she needed to go to the bathroom again, so I got her up and we walked. Grandpa came out to see if he could be of any help. After I brought her back to bed, I went into the kitchen to see what Grandpa was going (he gets in this mode of "doing", no matter what time of the day or night it is). I hugged him and said, "Grandpa, I'm sleeping in the livingroom for a reason...you should go back to bed." So, he did. I was glad, because he got a much better nights sleep last night. So, I will be doing that again tonight...because it seems to work for everyone involved. I can always take a nap, but he can't go all night and all day too.
This morning I woke up to Grandpa around 7am, and that was about the time when Grandma needed her tylenol and pill again. I went back to sleep for another hour or so after we got her comfortable again, and Grandpa headed off with a friend to the V.A. (vets. assoc.) to take care of something. Once Lani got here at 10, then mom woke up. Around 11 she called for Grandpa (while I was online) and so I went to see what she needed (he was on the phone). She needed a "barf bucket", so I pulled it over for her and she threw up. I think most of it was blood and water, which was sad...but is going to be part of the whole process (internal bleeding). The nurse is here right now to hook her up to a IV that will allow her to control her own flow of morphine.
So, that's the scoop of the last day.
Thank you for all your prayers!!! Know that they are a blessing to my family, and to myself.
I love you all.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Flight to Seattle
So, last Monday my Aunt bought me a ticket to come home...and today I flew 6 hours to come home. Grandma had my Aunt cancel all her medical appointments, and in doing so has made the decision to let herself go "Home". Everyone is dealing with it best they can, and life is trying to go on as "normal" here. I got to talk with Grandma this evening and she caught me up on what's been going on with her (and any other random tidbits that she could remember about what's up with other people as well). She told me the saddest thing... she said that even though I haven't been here, she sees me. When the light catches the gold in one of my sisters' hair, or when they dress like me, etc...she sees me. It's good to be home, even if just to bring comfort to those who have missed me and have wanted me here. It's going to be a tough week, as it's been said that she may not make it to Sunday...but only God knows that.
Please keep my family in your prayers. I know many of you are already doing that, and I thank you! Your love and prayers help keep us sane. If any of you want to send cards to my family, here is the address of where to send them to:
Miller/Smith Household
6915 Seward Park Ave. So.
Seattle, Wa. 98118
With love,
Jessica
Please keep my family in your prayers. I know many of you are already doing that, and I thank you! Your love and prayers help keep us sane. If any of you want to send cards to my family, here is the address of where to send them to:
Miller/Smith Household
6915 Seward Park Ave. So.
Seattle, Wa. 98118
With love,
Jessica
Friday, March 7, 2008
Sun, Snow, Sun, no...Snow!
Crazy Weather of Lubbock!
It has certainly been an interesting past week! We have had 2 days of seriously freezing temperatures, and 2 days of 75-degree-glorious-wear-your-sunglasses type days. Very interesting, indeed. I have never lived in Lubbock with this type of craziness! Not to mention the dust storms we've had this season!!! Where was all of this unpredictable weather when I was going through AIM!? I dunno how I missed it.
To get you a little caught up with me, and what's going on in my world...
I have been struggling with being apart from what's going on in Seattle (with my family). For those of you who don't know. My grandma isn't doing well in her fight against Leukemia. The doctors told us last week that they couldn't do anything else for her, and so she has come home. All she can do now is return to the hospital every2-3 days for a platelet shot, which will keep her blood from thinning out. Once she stops those, however, she could only last 3-10 days. So, I have been on-call for the past week & 1/2...waiting for them to call me back to Washington. It's been a hecktic time for all of us. I am trying to maintain a sense of normalacy for myself... but with much of my mind "back home" it's been hard to stay focused some days.
Depression Update...
I had one week when I was feeling better (toward the middle of Febuary), but since then, I have been back to having up and down days. Not as bad as before...but certainly frustrating. I suppose (even if I don't want to admit it) I was hoping that I would be more "balanced" in emotion...and I still feel tired, seriously unmotivated at times, and wanting to just have a "Cry-a-Thon". I feel like I'm still fighting really hard to get over to the "other side" of the depression wall, but struggling to pull myself up and over. The doctor has already had to up my medicine once, after the initial "plan of action". I am grateful to have such a skilled doctor working with me, and I truly thank the Lord for Miss Terri and her "kill the buffalo" mentality! :) Because I will be honest...I don't normally admit this...I could not "rescue" myself. God has really been working in my heart and challenging me to give things over to Him. He has provided such an incredible group of friends who have been a great source of love and encouragement for me right now.
Upcoming Events...
In just a few days AIMers from the 2005 class will be flooding in to Lubbock (if they aren't here already)! Graduation is on Saturday, March 15th, this year. I can't believe it's been a whole year since I was the one graduating with my class of 50+ . In fact, it was just a couple days ago (March 5th) that I left my little apartment in France and headed back to the U.S. I have to say, it's been a crazy year...with lots of twists and turns...but I'm thankful for all of them, good and difficult. I know that God is working in the things that I have been worried about...(consumed by, actually)...but I feel like my faith is really small at the moment. I just keep praying that God will help me to be faithful and to hang on to His love.
It has certainly been an interesting past week! We have had 2 days of seriously freezing temperatures, and 2 days of 75-degree-glorious-wear-your-sunglasses type days. Very interesting, indeed. I have never lived in Lubbock with this type of craziness! Not to mention the dust storms we've had this season!!! Where was all of this unpredictable weather when I was going through AIM!? I dunno how I missed it.
To get you a little caught up with me, and what's going on in my world...
I have been struggling with being apart from what's going on in Seattle (with my family). For those of you who don't know. My grandma isn't doing well in her fight against Leukemia. The doctors told us last week that they couldn't do anything else for her, and so she has come home. All she can do now is return to the hospital every2-3 days for a platelet shot, which will keep her blood from thinning out. Once she stops those, however, she could only last 3-10 days. So, I have been on-call for the past week & 1/2...waiting for them to call me back to Washington. It's been a hecktic time for all of us. I am trying to maintain a sense of normalacy for myself... but with much of my mind "back home" it's been hard to stay focused some days.
Depression Update...
I had one week when I was feeling better (toward the middle of Febuary), but since then, I have been back to having up and down days. Not as bad as before...but certainly frustrating. I suppose (even if I don't want to admit it) I was hoping that I would be more "balanced" in emotion...and I still feel tired, seriously unmotivated at times, and wanting to just have a "Cry-a-Thon". I feel like I'm still fighting really hard to get over to the "other side" of the depression wall, but struggling to pull myself up and over. The doctor has already had to up my medicine once, after the initial "plan of action". I am grateful to have such a skilled doctor working with me, and I truly thank the Lord for Miss Terri and her "kill the buffalo" mentality! :) Because I will be honest...I don't normally admit this...I could not "rescue" myself. God has really been working in my heart and challenging me to give things over to Him. He has provided such an incredible group of friends who have been a great source of love and encouragement for me right now.
Upcoming Events...
In just a few days AIMers from the 2005 class will be flooding in to Lubbock (if they aren't here already)! Graduation is on Saturday, March 15th, this year. I can't believe it's been a whole year since I was the one graduating with my class of 50+ . In fact, it was just a couple days ago (March 5th) that I left my little apartment in France and headed back to the U.S. I have to say, it's been a crazy year...with lots of twists and turns...but I'm thankful for all of them, good and difficult. I know that God is working in the things that I have been worried about...(consumed by, actually)...but I feel like my faith is really small at the moment. I just keep praying that God will help me to be faithful and to hang on to His love.
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