It's getting harder and harder to watch grandma struggle. Our nights are full of her uneasiness, and of her not being aware of what's going on...brain activity and her body shutting down. We just try and keep her comfortable, but even that is beginning to becoming nearly impossible...as we don't know how best to help in that effort. It's very frustrating to want to be merciful, and yet not know how to do that for the person you're caring for. Last night she thought that she needed to go to the bathroom...mom, Lani, and I were there (it was about 1:30am). We decided that we wouldn't try to get her up. She really can't do that, but her brain is telling her she can. So, we told her that it was ok if she went there. She looked at us in complete shock almost, "What!?", she said. We tried to make it ok with her, but she just moved and moved, getting her body all worked up, because she didn't know what was going on or how to help herself. It ended up being that she didn't need to go. It could be her body shutting down, it could be her remembering things from the last couple few days...who knows really. But all we could do is watch her fight... we had to sit back and fight inside not to "act", as we had been doing for so long. Later that night, she did the same for needing to barf. Now, she did do that...but that was much later. She's remembering things that are going on, but she doesn't know when those things are happening... and it's painful for me (us) to watch!
I just keep praying for God to be merciful, and what He will help her to be calm and at peace with things...so that she can let go, and go Home. She just doesn't seem to be able to do that... it's like she's trying to "do" something, or that she's hanging on for something... but none of us know what that is! It's extremely frustrating for me, and I find myself wanting to just cry... my heart just hurts for her, and for all of us who are closely connected with her. Those of us who care for her at night, also care for her in the daytime (only with more help). So, for this to be a 24/7 thing, around the clock, is hard, especially when you are so emotionally and physically drained. Please add to your prayers that God will take grandma Home-- and even though I know that He will do that in His own time, I'm also asking that He do that for US...as it's just hard to keep going each day. We're all drained and exhausted, and we just want her to be at peace.
Thank you all for your love, and prayers.
1 comment:
Oh Jessica! You are on my mind and in my prayers. It breaks my heart to read of your and your grandma's struggles. My prayer is that God will take her quickly. But you are right, He knows best. Remember Phil. 4:4-7. Rely on HIS peace! Love you,
Connie Light
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