Can you say, "Psychiatrist"?

Ok, right off the bat...just to get this off my chest...

"No, I'm not crazy...just a little unbalanced."

Now...I thought there were some things that were crazy about me...but am beginning to find out that I am perfectly "normal"...just someone who needs something to help keep things in check.

I've been struggling on my own for a long time, and I have been shown from several people recently (who know me, and are fighting for me right now) that I can get help in this area... so that I can deal with life a bit (or a lot) better. For anyone who has struggled with depressing for an extended period of time...you know how hard it is to even admit that you cannot do it (whatever "it" is) on your own (because you think you should be capable)! It's starts to affect the spiritual aspect of your person, and that causes one to think that they don't have enough faith in God or that they must be weaker than those around them. This is what I have dealt with for most of my life....especially since around the age of 12 and 13.

So, I will try some new approaches (with my "team" of fighters)...and will keep striving to be whole. BUT!....I have come to the point within myself where I know that I am not the one who will save myself. I know this sounds silly...because I'm a Christian...and I have confessed that Jesus is my Savior. BUT!...because of my up-bringing I have convinced myself that I have more control than I do. BUT!...I don't...and I have pretty much come to the end of my rope. Good thing God is at the end of the rope! ;)

Storm--by Life House

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6o-OJWINPpE

I needed to put this song on here for you all to listen to, because it has become my "theme song" this last month...especially these last couple weeks. I've seen a lot of darkness. But!, in it's in the midst of darkness that Jesus can shine the brightest! Enjoy! :)

Overload

I've decided that being counseled has become for me like removing my teeth without any pain killers. (Um...or maybe that's what I'm already doing on my own!?)

I went to a new counselor today. Mrs. Terri took me, and was my "mama bear" for the afternoon. I was so grateful for her "hand to hold"...because as calm as I wanted to "appear", I was sick inside. I just don't want to have to repeat painful things in the view of growth...but I guess that's how I have to do it. Not that I am afraid of doing that. No, no I'm not... I'm just really, really tired!!! I don't have much energy to trudge through the past right now. And right now, when I do...I usually end up crying (which I didn't do today, because something switched off in me)! I had Terri there, and I still didn't feel "safe". Maybe because I am scared, and just don't want to think I am...or for others to think I am??? There's a thought... maybe I am lying to myself, about myself, and how I really react to things??? Interesting. But how am I doing that???...that's the question. Anyhow...going to talk with him should be better than putting my "car in neutral, then pressing on the gas" all the time, like I've been doing.

Please pray for me...that I can allow God to do the work, and that I will be brave enough to let Him in. I want Him in...I just have areas that I don't know how to give Him yet. Silly me... trying to protect God from myself!!! ---I'm just wearing my poor little self out.

Sunset Mission Workshop!!!

Today was the beginning of the 4 day extraviganza which is called, the "Sunset Mission Workshop"! I remember the last time I was able to attend...my first time, and that was about 3 years ago (when I was in AIM). Hard to believe it was that long ago--but, it's true. Last time I helped Terri (who was the Dean of Women at that time) in the kitchen, did tape recording for the Ladies Classes, and a few other tidbits of "gofer-ing". All of which I loved and adored...(because I was with her). This time I get to work with Sharon (my adopted mama, and fellow SIBI-dweller) in the area of Hospitality! (Oh, how I love to work with these funtions!!!...It brings such joy to my heart!) The workshop will continue through Saturday (although some folks probably won't get enough "fellowshipping" in by that then, so they'll stay for church on Sunday). I'm looking forward to the classes, the hugs and talks from those I've missed, and all the joy of the atmosphere. Isn't God good!?

On another note...
I am doing better today. No, I'm not out of the water yet...but I'm not drowning. I feel like God has graced me with a good day, and revealed to me that there really IS hope beyond what I can see with my small eyes and narrow vision! I had to talk to Him today. He just showed me too many wonderful things throughout the day...and He has been doing that....I have just been in too much pain to accept them. But today I did...even though at times it felt forced. And I ate! Something at every "meal time"!!! And I drank water. Part of me had to, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to funtion like I did today (and I knew that)...partly I ate because I knew Sharon needed me to be healthy. But, part of me was glad to eat...and for that, I was happy.

Thanks for the prayers that you all are offering on my behalf...for healing, and for growth in faith. We really do serve a God who can do the IMPOSSIBLE...I just got that.

Love you all.

Inner Emotions Expressed by a Song

Storm, by Lifehouse

How long have I been in this storm?

So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form

Water's getting harder to tread

With these waves crashing over my head

~~~~

If I could just see you

Everything would be all right

If I could see you

This darkness would turn to light

~~~~

And I will walk on water

And you will catch me if I fall

And I will get lost into your eyes

And everything will be all right

And everything will be all right

~~~~

I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown

So why am I ten feet under and upside down

Barely surviving has become my purpose

Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface

~~~~

If I could just see you

Everything would be all right

If I could see you

This darkness would turn to light

~~~~

And I will walk on water

And you will catch me if I fall

And I will get lost into your eyes

And everything will be all right

And everything will be all right

No Emotion

I think the hardest thing is feeling like you don't know who you are. Now, I know who I am...and probably could give you a pretty good rundown of what makes up "Jessica". But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm expressing the side of me that feels lost right now. The part of me that I need to give up, but I feel like I need to keep. A part of me that's been "me" for so long that I don't know why it's even there. Does that make sense to anyone other than me at this moment???

I have had no motivation today to do anything other than sleep. I was suppose to cover lots of areas today...mostly reading. But, didn't...at least not yet. And I am feeling more and more overwhelmed as the days push on. As a "Stable" personality, I feel rather unstable! And I feel like a failure in lots of areas right now. I know most people wouldn't call me that...in fact, it probably would be the last thing someone would call me. But, today, that's how I feel. So, I want to sleep...and motivation isn't there to do anything else.

I look at the world around me...and think about the people who are struggling more than me...I'm ashamed of myself! "This is rediculous, Jessica...pull it together! You're no more special than those you know, and you cannot help them like this. You cannot even be a funtioning person, AIM Assistant, friend, sister, or daughter being the way you are right now!" I'm tired of this stupid run around! I'd rather pretend I was someone without any concerns, put on the happy face, etc...because all this "depression" does is worry people and cause a lack of trust in me. At least those are my thoughts.

So, that is how I feel...while in bed under the covers this afternoon.

Up, and Down...and Over Again.

Today started off a bit rough...to put it lightly. I pounced out of bed at 8:10 this morning, having turned off my alarm 30 minutes earlier, and was re-awakened by the sound of "knocking" on our apartment door. I hadn't gotten to sleep until some time after 5am, and hadn't eaten much that day before...so to say I was wiped out is an understatement. My dearest Pam road with her sister to school (that's what the knock on the door was about), so after throwing myself together in 10 minutes...I headed out the door and drove off (in Alisha's car), making it to school around 8:30. "Thank the Lord," I thought, "I'm not late!" I really hate being late to anything.

I get there and am actually able to stand on my own two feet (bearly)...then proceed to sit down by two of my favorite people ever (Dennis and Sharon) for the duration of Chapel. Class was good too. But after not having breakfast (3 days in a row), it's hard to concentrate. I did concentrate however, and took good notes. It was a fantastic 1st class in Evangelistic Methods. Our teacher is a really neat man by the name of Jerry Tallman. Look him up if you've never heard of him before...he's awesome! Class (one class), this one class, was from 9:20-1:00. You can imagine how hungry I was...or would have been, if food didn't make me want to throw up right now. I was glad class was over. :)

I was excited about my next appointment! I was going to have a "ladies only" date with one of my adopted "mamas" (Terri). I love going and doing "whatever" with her. There are only a couple handfuls of ladies whom, over the course of my life, I can spend hours with and feel like hardly any time has passed. Terri is one of those priceless women. We went to this neat little restaurant, which reminded me a lot of those one would find in Strasbourg (France). I ordered myself some tortilla soup...which was good...the company was far better. I could have certianly eatten up a few more hours of the company than another bowl of that soup. The soup wasn't bad...just, on the scale of life, people are more precious than soup! I don't know if Terri realizes this (or if all the lovely women in my life realize this), but her love heals aspects of my heart each time I'm around her. We should never forget how powerful our presence is in another's life, nor the impact God will have if we only let Him work through us!

After lunch, and visiting, and crying...Pam and I went to Walmart. Ok, now I have been looking for some pillows for our couches here at the apartment. I checked Walmart's pillows...the ones I was considering were $8.88. Now, for me, that's a bit much for 8 pillows (do the math). Ones which will be thrown by AIMers (and rarely by Assistants) and probably drooled on at times! So, I thought to myself, "I can make my own pillows...I've done it before...and they'll probably be cheaper!" Here I go, to the fabric section of Walmart, and take a look at what they have there. I found 2 kinds, took them to the counter, and asked the lady how much fabric I needed for 8 pillows. She told me a yard per pillow. Ok, I know that sounds like a lot of fabric (it did for me too), but, being in the state I am, went with it. Well, I must say, the colors are perfect for our couches!!! And it only took $60. to do it! But, since I got more than I needed for pillows (thanks to the lady at Walmart), I will be making a throw blanket and some curtains. :) I also bought myself some flowers. I needed those flowers today...

So, that's my day. It was good...and I enjoyed it.

Being Honest

I've decided to use this blogsite to be honest. Ok, yes, with you (the readers), but mainly with myself...and that seems to be really important at the moment.
I don't know how well people will take to that...
Seeing as I am well known by many (well, those who know me),
and in some circles am suppose to have it all together.

"Well, I'm in a Bible School...learning how to minister...working with AIMers,
for goodness sakes!"

But, in all honesty...I feel like a wreck.

I love what I do, where I am, where God's taking me!!! How I feel about me is not a reflection on that aspect of my life at all. Some days, I feel like, being here...doing what I'm doing...is the only thing keeping me sane.

But, even though I love what I'm doing (all of it);
I don't understand myself...
I feel lost...
I neglect my food consumption on purpose some days...
I'm negative of myself, far more than I'll be of anyone else--ever!...
I find most days to be hard to deal with right now.

And yet...

I know God loves me...
I have an amazing source of His Family around me...
I am seeking advice and help for the journey...
I am reaching out...
I am making changes, slowly.

Please be praying for me, and that I will let God heal and grow me.
That I can use this time to dig deep, and that satan will stay far from me.

Love you all!

I thought I would start this new year out by subscribing to a new blogsite! I have used some smaller scaled alternatives before...but thought it would be nice to have a place where I could share some thoughts with you all and keep you a little more updated on my day to day activities. Life changes...quite a bit actually...and I would like you to join me in the journey!

Please pray that God will continue to grow me...challenge me...and use me thoughout this year.
Love you lots!