No Emotion

I think the hardest thing is feeling like you don't know who you are. Now, I know who I am...and probably could give you a pretty good rundown of what makes up "Jessica". But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm expressing the side of me that feels lost right now. The part of me that I need to give up, but I feel like I need to keep. A part of me that's been "me" for so long that I don't know why it's even there. Does that make sense to anyone other than me at this moment???

I have had no motivation today to do anything other than sleep. I was suppose to cover lots of areas today...mostly reading. But, didn't...at least not yet. And I am feeling more and more overwhelmed as the days push on. As a "Stable" personality, I feel rather unstable! And I feel like a failure in lots of areas right now. I know most people wouldn't call me that...in fact, it probably would be the last thing someone would call me. But, today, that's how I feel. So, I want to sleep...and motivation isn't there to do anything else.

I look at the world around me...and think about the people who are struggling more than me...I'm ashamed of myself! "This is rediculous, Jessica...pull it together! You're no more special than those you know, and you cannot help them like this. You cannot even be a funtioning person, AIM Assistant, friend, sister, or daughter being the way you are right now!" I'm tired of this stupid run around! I'd rather pretend I was someone without any concerns, put on the happy face, etc...because all this "depression" does is worry people and cause a lack of trust in me. At least those are my thoughts.

So, that is how I feel...while in bed under the covers this afternoon.