A Year Later -- Remembring Grammy

In some ways it's hard for me to believe that it has been a whole year already since my Grandma died. Friday, March 28th--12:30am. I can still remember the week leading up to that night when I came into the living room and my aunt Lani told me that she was gone. I still remember the sinking feeling that I got, and the bravery I felt that I needed to maintain in order to tell everyone else in the house that she was gone. I remember the madness that seemed to come from that moment on. Supposedly there is suppose to be peace, and in a since there was...but really, it was just more stress. I remember going to sleep as soon as my Uncle Andy and Aunt Robin got to the house, exhausted. When I woke up, I jumped into gear preparing for the memorial service which would be on Sunday. I was so thankful for Alex being there! He helped me with the memorial slide-show, while I got the poster board together. It was good to have another pair of hands. My family was really greif-stricken, and so I felt so blessed to have him available to help me...and he has a huge help! I will never be able to repay him for that week he spent there with my family and me. I guess I'll just have to marry him! :)

It's been a whole year since then, yet I still miss her terribly! Whenever I hear the Chris Rice's song "untitled", I cry...because it was in her service. The songs that I sang to her that night she died still touch my heart when I sing them in church with my brothers and sisters. Whenever I see the color orange or wear it (which is rarely), I think of her. Whenever I pick up a pen and card to write someone, I think of her...even when I put the stamp on it! Whenever I hear the Gather's Vocal Band singing, or see a British Comedy on PBS...I think of her. She is in so much of my person, and God used her to grow so much of who I am. I am grateful for all the good things that were placed within my heart because of her: A love for Missions, a love for Singing, a love for encouraging people, a love for writing, a love adventure, and so much more! I am indebted to her, and so I hope that in seeking to honor her I can pass on the love and good things that she poured into me into others!

108 Days

I have been staring at my blogger tab at the top of my browser for far too long, contemplating if I should write a blog or not. I have (up until today) said, "No, I won't write today." But, today, I am breaking down and writing something!

This is awesome...so I have to share!

...I will be getting married in only 108 days!

Can you believe it!? Neither can I, really...because I never really thought I would ever get married! Not that I didn't believe God had someone out there for me...I know that God can do things that seem impossible to us at the time. And yet again, He does the impossible in my life! First of all, He send his son to save me...and now, he has sent me a wonderful, Godly man to live out the rest of my life with! How much more can a girl ask for!? Nothing more than what He can give. And I pray that I will live a life worthy of both those gifts!

Thanks for reading this short blog. Comment if you so desire... Know that I love you!

What does love have to do with it???

EVERYTHING!!!

This is what I have concluded in my personal time.

Love has everything to do with everything!

Especially when you are trying to work things out with someone who is (really and truly) different from you in so many ways!

Let me explain myself somewhat:

I have been working on my ability to love. Not just love people from how I would like to be loved, but from their point of view too. This has actually manifested itself strongly in my relationship with Alex, my dearest...whom I'm engagaed to! As much as I love him, and how I want to work things out with him, I simply don't understand the man some days! I really (for the most part) see things from my viewpoint, and then work from there... and it is really, really difficult to separate myself from myself (if that makes sense). But, in order to truly love him, and honor him, and respect his place in my life...I have GOT to change how I view some things! I have to work on how I relate, how I communicate, and ultimately how I love.

This reminds me of Paul...the Apostle of Christ. He had to change his viewpoints, several times, in order to become the man that he knew God wanted (and needed) him to be! Not only initially...when Christ came to him on the road to Damascus. He also needed to daily renew his mindset on things that would benefit his own way of "doing" and "being". If he had just let himself be Paul, the human, he wouldn't have gotten very far...(I know this, because I know me). I'm realizing just how tough it is to DIE to yourself, and what it means to actually rely on God's strength. Not that I know what that perfectly looks like...oh my, goodness no! But, I have been smacked upside my spiritual head with this concept a lot recently...which is...

What it truly means to LOVE!!!

(P.s. I will accept comments or encouragement at any time, regarding this subject....)

Oh my...Realizations.

I guess I never really realized how much being in a "relationship" changes you. Not that I was unaware of oblivious to the fact that people DO change when they are around someone constantly. We do change...whether it's for the better or for worse, we're always going a direction. But, I have come to see that it takes a lot of work. Not just to grow and change yourself...but to grow in the midst of another person's environment. And to help them grow as well...because you are not an island unto yourself. This may sound silly...but in order to truly LOVE that other person, you have GOT to do some changing! It's crazy how you grow and change and adapt when you are working to live with this person for the rest of your life!

I have said and done some pretty hurtful things, and some good things (of course)...but I wish I could take back the hurtful things. It's always so surprising to me the capability we humans have to either produce growth in someone, or take it away. Yes, we may give another person the "right" to ultimately affect us (for life, or not). But, we do hurt each other! I hate this aspect of the "fall". I know that I break God's heart too when I hurt someone or degrade them in some way...because that other person is part of Him, and a very beautiful creation!

I want to do better! I'm seeking to do better. I'm trying to grow myself and and push myself to be more like Jesus. I don't want to do things without knowledge...and I think sometimes I do things without "knowing" I have done them. Like, I will react a certain way because of something that happened SO MANY years ago...and yet it causes a reaction in me that is so strong! Almost like I have been "re-hurt"...and I act from that hurt. I just keep praying and asking God to heal and grow me from the place I am...to bring all the fractions of my personality under His reign.

Whoever reads this...thanks for taking the time to read, you didn't have to! :) It's nice to just be able to type and feel like it's going out into the "wild blue yonder."

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

Today is one of those days that you wouldn't trade for anything! The sun is out, the weather is perfect, you wake up on the "right side of the bed"...you begin your day with pancakes and scrambled eggs, you eat them with friends (Jennie and Cairen and Pamela), you take a lov ely shower in which makes you feel all soft and clean, you talk about life and field experiences (making each other feel better and more "normal"), and you sit on your bed and revel in God's amazingness as you do your homework for Bible school! How much better can a morning get!? And the greatest thing is that this day isn't over yet! There is still much more to be learned and lived, and today (for the first time in many weeks) I'm excited about living this day through. "Thank you, LORD!!!"

It's been a few rough weeks...
My doctor has changed my medication again, on monday. The other stuff (Cymbalta) wasn't working into my body the way he had thought it would. So far my body has responded the opposit of what he was expecting...sadly. Therefore, we just keep trying stuff to see if it will work. After I am wined off of this stuff (this week), I will begin this new 5 stage stuff...which works itself up from 25mg. to 100mg. Will see how that goes. I've tried to be optimistic about the whole process...but I must admit that I've become frustrated. I keep asking certain people in my life for encouragement and advice, and they have been very helpful...at least comforting. I hope that I will be able to get to a place where things are stable, so that I can feel "normal" (whatever that is!?). :)

I love you all, think of you often...and ask the Lord to bless you continually!

Because of His Amazing Love!

I realized something about myself yesterday...and that is, that I don't really understand the Cross! That may be a shocker to some of you who will read this. That I can be a student of God's Word, one who has gone to the field, and who desires to live a life that reflects the love seen in Christ. But, it's true. Now... I understand the "ins and outs" of why Jesus came to earth, why he lived as he did, why he died, and why he rose again! The "bible school" answer, some might say. But, I must admit that it still has a hard time penetrating my heart some days. The more I study the "whys", the better I understand it though! The more I'm convicted of my own (daily) need for the Blood, and for it's cleansing power. It's ability to cover it all!

I'm not perfect...(*gasp!*)...really and truly! I'll be the first to admit that fact! I'm so far from it, actually. But, IN Him, I'm made perfect...because of His amazing life and sacrificial love that sent Him to the Cross. I may not understand it, in logical "human" terms. (Some days I really hate having a small brain!) I don't get how the God of the Universe, all we see (and that which we don't), wants to have a relationship with me...a fallible creature, with a heart that wavers. I often get things "wrong" and can't commit as faithfully as He can--I can't even make up my mind as to what I want some days! But, He's so faithful and patient...something I will never understand! How can He love me SO much!? So much so that He chose to take responsibility for the sins that I've done (past, present, & future)!?? That doesn't make sense to this girl who usually only knows how to "earn" favor...not accept it without payment. God's grace and mercy doesn't make sense, because compared to His holiness, I am nothing. Nothing, yet everything! Everything, because God said I am, in Jesus!

As I continue to discover myself (this 23 year old girl)... the more I have realized the stark amount of faulty thinking that I've allowed in my life, or have just picked up on the journey. I've realized a lot of the lies in my life! They have been pointed out from reading God's Word, and from reading two particularly good books-- 1) Changes that Heal (Dr. Cloud), and 2) Habits of the Mind (Dr. Hart). Both have helped for me to realize unhealthy patterns of thinking and being, and have helped me to become more aware of why I act the way I do & say the things I do! It's so very hard to first become aware of imperfections... but then, secondly, do deal with them! Working through things that have been such a part of my person (especially the characteristics I hate) has been a real task & a half! :)

I'm so grateful that God doesn't give up on me! Even though there are some days that my heart feels like He should ban me from Himself, I'm overjoyed that He doesn't! I may never fully grasp why He loves me so dearly...but I wouldn't ask for it to be any other way! In all honesty, I would die if I lost Him or if He left me. But, I'm so glad I don't have to think about that! Because not only does He care about my overall welfare (mainly spiritual), but He has already set up for me (and the rest of the world) to be saved from eternal separation from Him and pain! What an amazing gift, indeed!!! All He asks of me is a heart fully committed to following Him... through the easy and the difficult days. I know I won't always be perfect at it...but I'm thankful that Jesus is! Because through Him I'm made perfect!

Friday Feelings

Here I am again...sitting down to write a few thoughts before I get to doing "other things". I have some homework to get done...a paper for a class (Sacrificial Systems), over The Red Heifer & The Passover. I would also like to maybe organize my "world" a bit. I always want to do other things, like write letters or sit and do "nothing" ...blogging kinda helps with both worlds. Plus, I get to listen to ITunes in the process, so that's fun! You have to find little things to bring you joy when you study most of the time (or are consumed with other "priorities" in life). Besides... finding little things to be happy with makes life so much better!

This week I went to see my psychiatrist (for the bizillionth time), and he finally decided to change my medication. I have been having a hard time for a couple months now, but after this last visit he decided that it was probably time to change. The other stuff was just not working as well as it should have been. But, this has been a pretty hard week since then...like an emotional roller-coaster. The first day was the worst, and I was all over the crying chart! I'm better now, and on this new medication I don't have muscle spasms like I did before...so that's awesome. I'm hoping that it will work better for me, after it's worked into my body a little bit. Please be praying about all the adjustments with this. To be honest, I have felt somewhat more "normal" since changing...more like myself, which is great!

Alex and I are doing well. It's been neat being Co-AIM Assistants at the Sudan Congregation this year! We are enjoying our AIMers and being able to work together. Our relationship is growing too...and we are being able to work out issues that come up, just those that come from being together and around each other. I have grown in so much love and appreicate of him...not just as a person, but as a brother in the Lord! I love watching him live life, seeing him grow, and learning from him how to be a better person--he really challenges me! I hope that's always the case, on both sides. In being in this relationship with Alex, God has shown me so many areas that I'm not as "mature" as I thought...and has helped to challenge my own ideas toward life and myself (in a very healthy way). It's interesting that as you truly learn to love another person like Christ would love them, it makes you evaluate your own walk with Him! I love that! :)

Well, that's all from me...for now. I hope you are doing well (whoever reads this), and that God is keeping your heart at peace through all the uncertainty of life! Jesus is the only (One) thing that we can truly trust.