Lots of things have been happening around SIBI, AIM, and my life! SIBI and AIM are normally crazy this time of year, and I suppose that means that I am a bit crazy too. I have been doing my best to get back into the swing of things, balance my world, and in the midst of it all LEARN SOMETHING! :) I have amazing teacher, wonderful friends, and an Incredible God! So, I can't really fail...because there are so many people backing me in this life. I truly am grateful for those whom the Lord has sent my way, to bless and encourage me! He's truly amazing!
This blog is a shorty, because it's pretty last and I need to get to bed. Tomorrow is the AIMers' second Sunday out at Sudan, so I need to be somewhat "wake" for that. We're picking black eyed peas for the older ladies and then will be taken them bags full. This is one of my favorite things all year at Sudan! We need to do more stuff like that within the Church..."Caring for those who are challenged in that area...simply because we love them." That's a biblical example, as far as I can see...from reading God's inspired Word.
Love to you all!
Jessica
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
WHAT!??...I'm in Level 2...!???
Another year has begun...
Another class of Sunset and AIMers have arrived...
Another list of assignments for classes have been given...
...And I'm in my second year at SIBI! I'm Level 2!
This is somewhat surprising to me. Not that I didn't think I'd make it this far...(ok, I'll admit it, there were some tough days last year)...but it's just crazy to think that I'm now one of those to whom Level 1 looks at and thinks, "If she can do it, so can I." That's just weird, because I remember those to whom I looked up to in Level 2 last year...and now they're scattered all over the US. Some are even preparing to head to Mission points around the world! And that could be me someday. Maybe not in a year...but probably not too far away. Certainly closer than I think!
Last week was a bit nuts, as it was our first week of school. Everyone got here, tried to settle in, and hit the books...some of us less prepared than we thought we'd be! But we made it through, and I'm sure this week will be a much easier one. I love both new classes (SIBI and AIM), and I can't wait until I know them better! Please be praying for all of the students this year, as well as the staff and instructors at the school, and all they have to put up with--including us! :)
Another class of Sunset and AIMers have arrived...
Another list of assignments for classes have been given...
...And I'm in my second year at SIBI! I'm Level 2!
This is somewhat surprising to me. Not that I didn't think I'd make it this far...(ok, I'll admit it, there were some tough days last year)...but it's just crazy to think that I'm now one of those to whom Level 1 looks at and thinks, "If she can do it, so can I." That's just weird, because I remember those to whom I looked up to in Level 2 last year...and now they're scattered all over the US. Some are even preparing to head to Mission points around the world! And that could be me someday. Maybe not in a year...but probably not too far away. Certainly closer than I think!
Last week was a bit nuts, as it was our first week of school. Everyone got here, tried to settle in, and hit the books...some of us less prepared than we thought we'd be! But we made it through, and I'm sure this week will be a much easier one. I love both new classes (SIBI and AIM), and I can't wait until I know them better! Please be praying for all of the students this year, as well as the staff and instructors at the school, and all they have to put up with--including us! :)
Thursday, August 7, 2008
'Changes That Heal'
Well, I have been reading this book that was suggested to me by my counselor called, 'Changes That Heal...how to understand your past to ensure a healthier future', by Dr. Henry Cloud. In reading it today (the first opportunity in weeks)... I realized that as I read about boundaries, I actually struggle with having them! Now, I didn't realize that this was the case. I actually thought I has ok boundaries...that I knew where I was and how the world around me worked. But, oh my, that is just not the case! I have struggled for a long time with feeling like the lines in my mind were somehow blurred (especially when it came to the feelings of others), and now I think I am getting a glimpse of why that could be!
I have recently been struggling with how I take on other people's emotions, thoughts, and actions, and then make them my own. I have been tested as being extremely high in Mercy Showing...yet, I think I have often thought that I was being merciful and understanding, when in reality I was actually either stepping over their boundaries of what they needed to take care of or allowing them to step over mine!!! Crazy. And I have been doing this for how many years!? What is actually truth, and where are the lines? I feel really taken back now that I know that this happens with me...and I'm not really sure what steps to take next, except for just being aware of them. This way of thinking and being has especially effected my decisions, and every time that happens I feel lost and really out of control....probably because I am!?
So, in light of this realization...I ask for prayers. Because this is just one result of year and years of negative programing, and it's going to take a lot of hard work and prayer to relearn how I should think and act to be healthy. Thank you for praying and loving me! Thanks for reading these thoughts, and for responding at times to encourage me.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Thoughts from Seattle
It's been good being home with family. Alex and I have been here since last Monday, and have only a week left until we head back to Lubbock... when the school year for AIM and SIBI will start over again at Sunset. This will be my last year in the Women's Program, which is a bit saddening for me. Things like this pass far too quickly! I pray that I will be able to take every opportunity to spend in the company of those I have come to love so dearly, and to put my whole heart into things that I truly value. Last year was extremely challenging for me (as many of you know), and I am praying with everything that's in me that this year will be better. With the Lord's help, it will be!
Something that I have been struggling with is how to integrate my old life with my new life. The two have certainly collided since I've left home--and even more since I have been home this time with Alex. It's hard to have two worlds which don't really seem to correspond as well as I'd hoped. I keep having this urge to "fix" what's wrong...to ease and comfort. But, even with my best attempts, I can't...and I just get caught in the middle of it all (which is a very uncomfortable position to be). I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place...loving both worlds, and wanting to somehow make both feel accepted. But even though I accept them...I cannot make peace between them, that must be done by them. That's hard for me to deal with when it feels like I need to do something. I hate watching people struggle--and I know that that's where I need to be the most careful, because I can become an enabler and someone who actually will do more damage (especially to myself) by trying to work everything out with minimal "damage" caused.
Something that I have been learning about myself is that I tend to get in the "middle" of just about everything!!! One day in Lubbock (before Alex and I left for here), an apartment door had been left open in my complex (someone had moved out and left it that way). I had the greatest urge to just close the door until I could call the office on Monday (it was a weekend). Alex wouldn't let me, because it wasn't my property. It just tugged and tugged at me, because I hated that all that electricity was being wasted. I did call them to let them know, but it was the hardest thing for me to just leave it until they came around to closing it!! I have the worst problem with feeling responsible for everything. Like this deep need to make things perfect for everyone around me...all the time! Go, go, go...do,do,do!!! Like as if I have a green-thumb of healing and beauty that can transform worlds of hurt into beautiful places to dwell. That's what I want (ultimately), but often it's not my job to do the cultivating. That's just hard for me to deal with sometimes...because for most of my life it has been impressed upon me to do just that!
How do you change your thinking??? How do you undo and redo what has always been???
I seem to often feel lost in the maze of myself. I don't really know how to reconcile my past, accept it, and let it be...all while I am trying to grow and become new in Christ. It's really challenging! I ask for prayers, because sometimes I get stuck within myself and don't know what direction to take next. That's where I've been this last month...especially these last couple weeks. Being faced with the future and its possibilities causes me to really contemplate the past. Which can be a good thing...but it can also be a very confusing thing.
I need the Lord...I just do!
Something that I have been struggling with is how to integrate my old life with my new life. The two have certainly collided since I've left home--and even more since I have been home this time with Alex. It's hard to have two worlds which don't really seem to correspond as well as I'd hoped. I keep having this urge to "fix" what's wrong...to ease and comfort. But, even with my best attempts, I can't...and I just get caught in the middle of it all (which is a very uncomfortable position to be). I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place...loving both worlds, and wanting to somehow make both feel accepted. But even though I accept them...I cannot make peace between them, that must be done by them. That's hard for me to deal with when it feels like I need to do something. I hate watching people struggle--and I know that that's where I need to be the most careful, because I can become an enabler and someone who actually will do more damage (especially to myself) by trying to work everything out with minimal "damage" caused.
Something that I have been learning about myself is that I tend to get in the "middle" of just about everything!!! One day in Lubbock (before Alex and I left for here), an apartment door had been left open in my complex (someone had moved out and left it that way). I had the greatest urge to just close the door until I could call the office on Monday (it was a weekend). Alex wouldn't let me, because it wasn't my property. It just tugged and tugged at me, because I hated that all that electricity was being wasted. I did call them to let them know, but it was the hardest thing for me to just leave it until they came around to closing it!! I have the worst problem with feeling responsible for everything. Like this deep need to make things perfect for everyone around me...all the time! Go, go, go...do,do,do!!! Like as if I have a green-thumb of healing and beauty that can transform worlds of hurt into beautiful places to dwell. That's what I want (ultimately), but often it's not my job to do the cultivating. That's just hard for me to deal with sometimes...because for most of my life it has been impressed upon me to do just that!
How do you change your thinking??? How do you undo and redo what has always been???
I seem to often feel lost in the maze of myself. I don't really know how to reconcile my past, accept it, and let it be...all while I am trying to grow and become new in Christ. It's really challenging! I ask for prayers, because sometimes I get stuck within myself and don't know what direction to take next. That's where I've been this last month...especially these last couple weeks. Being faced with the future and its possibilities causes me to really contemplate the past. Which can be a good thing...but it can also be a very confusing thing.
I need the Lord...I just do!
Friday, June 27, 2008
Summer Sentimentals
Since the beginning of what was actually considered "Summer Break", I have felt this present sense of lacking. Maybe it's because I am still in Lubbock (and everyone else isn't, except for a few)...but I really think it may be more than that. As some of you readers may know (really, only 2 of you read this probably)...I have struggled with healing from certain aspects of my growing up years, with the help of a counselor. Well, things with that have been going well. But as I continue, I have found that my emotions are more like skin that has been peeled back and left raw for a time. All the nerves are exposed, and I am in pain...and driven to high emotions and tears! That is how I am right now, about so many things...almost as if I cannot deal with even the little things without them bringing up some thought of the past. I feel like my mind needs to go on vacation with my heart...to the beautiful island of NoWhere! :) In fact, I seem to be taking so many things personally...almost as if I feel people can tell how uncomfortable I feel within my own skin. Even though most people with whom I have contact in a day can't see into my heart...I feel like it shows on my face (which I've been told is very possible with me).
In the last week, I have been finishing up my job working for Cyd (the rent house owner). Today I will (hopefully) get all the cleaning accomplished, and be done! Then the next 3 days of my life will be consumed with trying to pack and clean my own world and move out of my apartment by the 1st of July. We have decided (as an apartment) for me to do that, so that we can get half rent for this month. Ashley (our friend in the complex, from Sunset) has given me permission to live with her for the two weeks until Alex and I leave for our trip to Seattle. Her letting me stay is such a blessing! Last night I had a huge "cry session", and that's when she came over to tell me that I could stay with her. I'm sure that I looked all red-eyed and wiped out...but she was very sweet and understanding, which I appreciated. Alex has also tried his best to be understanding as well, and to comfort me with words and love. I have just felt so far out of my comfort zone with all the change that I'm trying to accomplish right now, and with the changes that are happening inside my heart and mind. I know God is at the center of it all, working His wonderful healing and transformation...but it's still hard. I'm just so thankful that He has placed so many amazing people in my life...to be there for me through this process, so that I'm not "alone". He is so good!
In the last week, I have been finishing up my job working for Cyd (the rent house owner). Today I will (hopefully) get all the cleaning accomplished, and be done! Then the next 3 days of my life will be consumed with trying to pack and clean my own world and move out of my apartment by the 1st of July. We have decided (as an apartment) for me to do that, so that we can get half rent for this month. Ashley (our friend in the complex, from Sunset) has given me permission to live with her for the two weeks until Alex and I leave for our trip to Seattle. Her letting me stay is such a blessing! Last night I had a huge "cry session", and that's when she came over to tell me that I could stay with her. I'm sure that I looked all red-eyed and wiped out...but she was very sweet and understanding, which I appreciated. Alex has also tried his best to be understanding as well, and to comfort me with words and love. I have just felt so far out of my comfort zone with all the change that I'm trying to accomplish right now, and with the changes that are happening inside my heart and mind. I know God is at the center of it all, working His wonderful healing and transformation...but it's still hard. I'm just so thankful that He has placed so many amazing people in my life...to be there for me through this process, so that I'm not "alone". He is so good!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Summer Events
This Summer has been busy, yet not too crazy...yet! God blessed me with this excellent job...painting for a lady who owns several rent houses. It's been awesome getting to know her and spending some time getting out emotions through painting stationary objects! It's really soothing for me to paint methodically, I've realized. I'm also being able to save what I make through this job for my trip to go see my family this summer, which is a huge blessing. I'm extremely grateful to God for providing for me so perfectly.
Alex is here now...which has been awesome! He got here almost 2 weeks ago now. It's been an interesting transition, seeing as we really haven't been around each other for over a year. He, being in France still...and me, being here (having left France a year before). But, now we're both back, and will both be at SIBI. Since we are both each others' "1sts", this is a whole new world. I really have been enjoying getting to know him better (than over the phone or through emails)... and in an actual, close, everyday setting! We're both learning new things about each other: how we react to things, how we "do" things, emotional levels at different times, etc. I suppose this is normal for any "couple", but it's a part of our relationship that we really haven't ever had. So, it's been interesting (like I said). ;) Please keep us in your prayers, as we seek to do things in a Godly manner and what's best for us under Him.
Since SIBI ended for the year, I have been going from house to house...helping those who have just graduated from Sunset move out from their house to where they will be heading for ministry. I love helping people move...even though it can be such an emotional time. I'd rather be there for them at that time though, than not. It's hard to see people whom you've come to love SO deeply move off to places (some times) "unknown"...but that's a part of this program! You come, learn, grow, live, love...and then God sends you off...with experiences, new things learned, new friendships in Him, and a new focus in life. I love what we go through here, as disciples of Christ...but it also can be a challenge (all around)! I'm mainly just thankful for this place that so many of us have come to appreciate and hold dear to our hearts.
So, that's my summer (so far)...I'm just working, growing, sharing, and loving!
Alex is here now...which has been awesome! He got here almost 2 weeks ago now. It's been an interesting transition, seeing as we really haven't been around each other for over a year. He, being in France still...and me, being here (having left France a year before). But, now we're both back, and will both be at SIBI. Since we are both each others' "1sts", this is a whole new world. I really have been enjoying getting to know him better (than over the phone or through emails)... and in an actual, close, everyday setting! We're both learning new things about each other: how we react to things, how we "do" things, emotional levels at different times, etc. I suppose this is normal for any "couple", but it's a part of our relationship that we really haven't ever had. So, it's been interesting (like I said). ;) Please keep us in your prayers, as we seek to do things in a Godly manner and what's best for us under Him.
Since SIBI ended for the year, I have been going from house to house...helping those who have just graduated from Sunset move out from their house to where they will be heading for ministry. I love helping people move...even though it can be such an emotional time. I'd rather be there for them at that time though, than not. It's hard to see people whom you've come to love SO deeply move off to places (some times) "unknown"...but that's a part of this program! You come, learn, grow, live, love...and then God sends you off...with experiences, new things learned, new friendships in Him, and a new focus in life. I love what we go through here, as disciples of Christ...but it also can be a challenge (all around)! I'm mainly just thankful for this place that so many of us have come to appreciate and hold dear to our hearts.
So, that's my summer (so far)...I'm just working, growing, sharing, and loving!
Monday, June 9, 2008
I don't get me...
I have heard people say, "I don't get me some days!" But, for me right now, it's more like... "I don't get me some weeks", or "I don't get me some months!"
I feel like a BIG BALL of EMOTION right now...with LOTS of facets and things that I just CANNOT explain to myself, or anyone else for that matter!
People are leaving, or have left the Lubbock area...some for the summer, some for ever. But others have come, or are coming. I just don't think I'm dealing with all the change so well.
And then there's the change of "me"...the hard work that I have been doing to TRY and be open and honest with myself, most of which is either painful or hard to make sense of. You top that off with all the "losses" I feel right now, and what you get is a Jessica who would rather stay in bed than deal with the world around her!
I feel like I am having to cut away so many parts of myself, and then add others...and not having a single helpful "guide" in which to do that accurately! I really feel rather lost at the moment, and I don't feel like anyone around me right now REALLY understands. I don't even feel like this blogsite is "safe" anymore! I feel really judged at the moment, and so I fear putting my emotions and my thoughts online...thinking that someone will deny them or say that I shouldn't be as "unbalanced" as I am appearing.
Personally, I hate feeling unbalanced! I actually don't like being "confusing"....but right now, that's how it is! I don't understand some places of my heart and mind that are being touched and examined, and when you push too hard on one spot I FLIP! And I react in a way that's more like a hurt animal than a logical, rashional human being...and I don't even know why I do that!!! Which is extremely annoying!
I wish some days that I couldn't feel emotion. That I didn't react. That I just was...and nothing bothered me. That people could do whatever they wanted around me, and I wouldn't feel anothing about it or care. This would help for when people go away, or when there are differences of opinion, or when someone does or says something that hurts you. I'm sure I would begin to resent this if it were true, if I could be this way...but it would still be nice right now.
I feel like a BIG BALL of EMOTION right now...with LOTS of facets and things that I just CANNOT explain to myself, or anyone else for that matter!
People are leaving, or have left the Lubbock area...some for the summer, some for ever. But others have come, or are coming. I just don't think I'm dealing with all the change so well.
And then there's the change of "me"...the hard work that I have been doing to TRY and be open and honest with myself, most of which is either painful or hard to make sense of. You top that off with all the "losses" I feel right now, and what you get is a Jessica who would rather stay in bed than deal with the world around her!
I feel like I am having to cut away so many parts of myself, and then add others...and not having a single helpful "guide" in which to do that accurately! I really feel rather lost at the moment, and I don't feel like anyone around me right now REALLY understands. I don't even feel like this blogsite is "safe" anymore! I feel really judged at the moment, and so I fear putting my emotions and my thoughts online...thinking that someone will deny them or say that I shouldn't be as "unbalanced" as I am appearing.
Personally, I hate feeling unbalanced! I actually don't like being "confusing"....but right now, that's how it is! I don't understand some places of my heart and mind that are being touched and examined, and when you push too hard on one spot I FLIP! And I react in a way that's more like a hurt animal than a logical, rashional human being...and I don't even know why I do that!!! Which is extremely annoying!
I wish some days that I couldn't feel emotion. That I didn't react. That I just was...and nothing bothered me. That people could do whatever they wanted around me, and I wouldn't feel anothing about it or care. This would help for when people go away, or when there are differences of opinion, or when someone does or says something that hurts you. I'm sure I would begin to resent this if it were true, if I could be this way...but it would still be nice right now.
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