I don't get me...

I have heard people say, "I don't get me some days!" But, for me right now, it's more like... "I don't get me some weeks", or "I don't get me some months!"

I feel like a BIG BALL of EMOTION right now...with LOTS of facets and things that I just CANNOT explain to myself, or anyone else for that matter!

People are leaving, or have left the Lubbock area...some for the summer, some for ever. But others have come, or are coming. I just don't think I'm dealing with all the change so well.

And then there's the change of "me"...the hard work that I have been doing to TRY and be open and honest with myself, most of which is either painful or hard to make sense of. You top that off with all the "losses" I feel right now, and what you get is a Jessica who would rather stay in bed than deal with the world around her!

I feel like I am having to cut away so many parts of myself, and then add others...and not having a single helpful "guide" in which to do that accurately! I really feel rather lost at the moment, and I don't feel like anyone around me right now REALLY understands. I don't even feel like this blogsite is "safe" anymore! I feel really judged at the moment, and so I fear putting my emotions and my thoughts online...thinking that someone will deny them or say that I shouldn't be as "unbalanced" as I am appearing.

Personally, I hate feeling unbalanced! I actually don't like being "confusing"....but right now, that's how it is! I don't understand some places of my heart and mind that are being touched and examined, and when you push too hard on one spot I FLIP! And I react in a way that's more like a hurt animal than a logical, rashional human being...and I don't even know why I do that!!! Which is extremely annoying!

I wish some days that I couldn't feel emotion. That I didn't react. That I just was...and nothing bothered me. That people could do whatever they wanted around me, and I wouldn't feel anothing about it or care. This would help for when people go away, or when there are differences of opinion, or when someone does or says something that hurts you. I'm sure I would begin to resent this if it were true, if I could be this way...but it would still be nice right now.