Thoughts from Seattle

It's been good being home with family. Alex and I have been here since last Monday, and have only a week left until we head back to Lubbock... when the school year for AIM and SIBI will start over again at Sunset. This will be my last year in the Women's Program, which is a bit saddening for me. Things like this pass far too quickly! I pray that I will be able to take every opportunity to spend in the company of those I have come to love so dearly, and to put my whole heart into things that I truly value. Last year was extremely challenging for me (as many of you know), and I am praying with everything that's in me that this year will be better. With the Lord's help, it will be!

Something that I have been struggling with is how to integrate my old life with my new life. The two have certainly collided since I've left home--and even more since I have been home this time with Alex. It's hard to have two worlds which don't really seem to correspond as well as I'd hoped. I keep having this urge to "fix" what's wrong...to ease and comfort. But, even with my best attempts, I can't...and I just get caught in the middle of it all (which is a very uncomfortable position to be). I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place...loving both worlds, and wanting to somehow make both feel accepted. But even though I accept them...I cannot make peace between them, that must be done by them. That's hard for me to deal with when it feels like I need to do something. I hate watching people struggle--and I know that that's where I need to be the most careful, because I can become an enabler and someone who actually will do more damage (especially to myself) by trying to work everything out with minimal "damage" caused.

Something that I have been learning about myself is that I tend to get in the "middle" of just about everything!!! One day in Lubbock (before Alex and I left for here), an apartment door had been left open in my complex (someone had moved out and left it that way). I had the greatest urge to just close the door until I could call the office on Monday (it was a weekend). Alex wouldn't let me, because it wasn't my property. It just tugged and tugged at me, because I hated that all that electricity was being wasted. I did call them to let them know, but it was the hardest thing for me to just leave it until they came around to closing it!! I have the worst problem with feeling responsible for everything. Like this deep need to make things perfect for everyone around me...all the time! Go, go, go...do,do,do!!! Like as if I have a green-thumb of healing and beauty that can transform worlds of hurt into beautiful places to dwell. That's what I want (ultimately), but often it's not my job to do the cultivating. That's just hard for me to deal with sometimes...because for most of my life it has been impressed upon me to do just that!

How do you change your thinking??? How do you undo and redo what has always been???
I seem to often feel lost in the maze of myself. I don't really know how to reconcile my past, accept it, and let it be...all while I am trying to grow and become new in Christ. It's really challenging! I ask for prayers, because sometimes I get stuck within myself and don't know what direction to take next. That's where I've been this last month...especially these last couple weeks. Being faced with the future and its possibilities causes me to really contemplate the past. Which can be a good thing...but it can also be a very confusing thing.

I need the Lord...I just do!