Since the beginning of what was actually considered "Summer Break", I have felt this present sense of lacking. Maybe it's because I am still in Lubbock (and everyone else isn't, except for a few)...but I really think it may be more than that. As some of you readers may know (really, only 2 of you read this probably)...I have struggled with healing from certain aspects of my growing up years, with the help of a counselor. Well, things with that have been going well. But as I continue, I have found that my emotions are more like skin that has been peeled back and left raw for a time. All the nerves are exposed, and I am in pain...and driven to high emotions and tears! That is how I am right now, about so many things...almost as if I cannot deal with even the little things without them bringing up some thought of the past. I feel like my mind needs to go on vacation with my heart...to the beautiful island of NoWhere! :) In fact, I seem to be taking so many things personally...almost as if I feel people can tell how uncomfortable I feel within my own skin. Even though most people with whom I have contact in a day can't see into my heart...I feel like it shows on my face (which I've been told is very possible with me).
In the last week, I have been finishing up my job working for Cyd (the rent house owner). Today I will (hopefully) get all the cleaning accomplished, and be done! Then the next 3 days of my life will be consumed with trying to pack and clean my own world and move out of my apartment by the 1st of July. We have decided (as an apartment) for me to do that, so that we can get half rent for this month. Ashley (our friend in the complex, from Sunset) has given me permission to live with her for the two weeks until Alex and I leave for our trip to Seattle. Her letting me stay is such a blessing! Last night I had a huge "cry session", and that's when she came over to tell me that I could stay with her. I'm sure that I looked all red-eyed and wiped out...but she was very sweet and understanding, which I appreciated. Alex has also tried his best to be understanding as well, and to comfort me with words and love. I have just felt so far out of my comfort zone with all the change that I'm trying to accomplish right now, and with the changes that are happening inside my heart and mind. I know God is at the center of it all, working His wonderful healing and transformation...but it's still hard. I'm just so thankful that He has placed so many amazing people in my life...to be there for me through this process, so that I'm not "alone". He is so good!
Friday, June 27, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Summer Events
This Summer has been busy, yet not too crazy...yet! God blessed me with this excellent job...painting for a lady who owns several rent houses. It's been awesome getting to know her and spending some time getting out emotions through painting stationary objects! It's really soothing for me to paint methodically, I've realized. I'm also being able to save what I make through this job for my trip to go see my family this summer, which is a huge blessing. I'm extremely grateful to God for providing for me so perfectly.
Alex is here now...which has been awesome! He got here almost 2 weeks ago now. It's been an interesting transition, seeing as we really haven't been around each other for over a year. He, being in France still...and me, being here (having left France a year before). But, now we're both back, and will both be at SIBI. Since we are both each others' "1sts", this is a whole new world. I really have been enjoying getting to know him better (than over the phone or through emails)... and in an actual, close, everyday setting! We're both learning new things about each other: how we react to things, how we "do" things, emotional levels at different times, etc. I suppose this is normal for any "couple", but it's a part of our relationship that we really haven't ever had. So, it's been interesting (like I said). ;) Please keep us in your prayers, as we seek to do things in a Godly manner and what's best for us under Him.
Since SIBI ended for the year, I have been going from house to house...helping those who have just graduated from Sunset move out from their house to where they will be heading for ministry. I love helping people move...even though it can be such an emotional time. I'd rather be there for them at that time though, than not. It's hard to see people whom you've come to love SO deeply move off to places (some times) "unknown"...but that's a part of this program! You come, learn, grow, live, love...and then God sends you off...with experiences, new things learned, new friendships in Him, and a new focus in life. I love what we go through here, as disciples of Christ...but it also can be a challenge (all around)! I'm mainly just thankful for this place that so many of us have come to appreciate and hold dear to our hearts.
So, that's my summer (so far)...I'm just working, growing, sharing, and loving!
Alex is here now...which has been awesome! He got here almost 2 weeks ago now. It's been an interesting transition, seeing as we really haven't been around each other for over a year. He, being in France still...and me, being here (having left France a year before). But, now we're both back, and will both be at SIBI. Since we are both each others' "1sts", this is a whole new world. I really have been enjoying getting to know him better (than over the phone or through emails)... and in an actual, close, everyday setting! We're both learning new things about each other: how we react to things, how we "do" things, emotional levels at different times, etc. I suppose this is normal for any "couple", but it's a part of our relationship that we really haven't ever had. So, it's been interesting (like I said). ;) Please keep us in your prayers, as we seek to do things in a Godly manner and what's best for us under Him.
Since SIBI ended for the year, I have been going from house to house...helping those who have just graduated from Sunset move out from their house to where they will be heading for ministry. I love helping people move...even though it can be such an emotional time. I'd rather be there for them at that time though, than not. It's hard to see people whom you've come to love SO deeply move off to places (some times) "unknown"...but that's a part of this program! You come, learn, grow, live, love...and then God sends you off...with experiences, new things learned, new friendships in Him, and a new focus in life. I love what we go through here, as disciples of Christ...but it also can be a challenge (all around)! I'm mainly just thankful for this place that so many of us have come to appreciate and hold dear to our hearts.
So, that's my summer (so far)...I'm just working, growing, sharing, and loving!
Monday, June 9, 2008
I don't get me...
I have heard people say, "I don't get me some days!" But, for me right now, it's more like... "I don't get me some weeks", or "I don't get me some months!"
I feel like a BIG BALL of EMOTION right now...with LOTS of facets and things that I just CANNOT explain to myself, or anyone else for that matter!
People are leaving, or have left the Lubbock area...some for the summer, some for ever. But others have come, or are coming. I just don't think I'm dealing with all the change so well.
And then there's the change of "me"...the hard work that I have been doing to TRY and be open and honest with myself, most of which is either painful or hard to make sense of. You top that off with all the "losses" I feel right now, and what you get is a Jessica who would rather stay in bed than deal with the world around her!
I feel like I am having to cut away so many parts of myself, and then add others...and not having a single helpful "guide" in which to do that accurately! I really feel rather lost at the moment, and I don't feel like anyone around me right now REALLY understands. I don't even feel like this blogsite is "safe" anymore! I feel really judged at the moment, and so I fear putting my emotions and my thoughts online...thinking that someone will deny them or say that I shouldn't be as "unbalanced" as I am appearing.
Personally, I hate feeling unbalanced! I actually don't like being "confusing"....but right now, that's how it is! I don't understand some places of my heart and mind that are being touched and examined, and when you push too hard on one spot I FLIP! And I react in a way that's more like a hurt animal than a logical, rashional human being...and I don't even know why I do that!!! Which is extremely annoying!
I wish some days that I couldn't feel emotion. That I didn't react. That I just was...and nothing bothered me. That people could do whatever they wanted around me, and I wouldn't feel anothing about it or care. This would help for when people go away, or when there are differences of opinion, or when someone does or says something that hurts you. I'm sure I would begin to resent this if it were true, if I could be this way...but it would still be nice right now.
I feel like a BIG BALL of EMOTION right now...with LOTS of facets and things that I just CANNOT explain to myself, or anyone else for that matter!
People are leaving, or have left the Lubbock area...some for the summer, some for ever. But others have come, or are coming. I just don't think I'm dealing with all the change so well.
And then there's the change of "me"...the hard work that I have been doing to TRY and be open and honest with myself, most of which is either painful or hard to make sense of. You top that off with all the "losses" I feel right now, and what you get is a Jessica who would rather stay in bed than deal with the world around her!
I feel like I am having to cut away so many parts of myself, and then add others...and not having a single helpful "guide" in which to do that accurately! I really feel rather lost at the moment, and I don't feel like anyone around me right now REALLY understands. I don't even feel like this blogsite is "safe" anymore! I feel really judged at the moment, and so I fear putting my emotions and my thoughts online...thinking that someone will deny them or say that I shouldn't be as "unbalanced" as I am appearing.
Personally, I hate feeling unbalanced! I actually don't like being "confusing"....but right now, that's how it is! I don't understand some places of my heart and mind that are being touched and examined, and when you push too hard on one spot I FLIP! And I react in a way that's more like a hurt animal than a logical, rashional human being...and I don't even know why I do that!!! Which is extremely annoying!
I wish some days that I couldn't feel emotion. That I didn't react. That I just was...and nothing bothered me. That people could do whatever they wanted around me, and I wouldn't feel anothing about it or care. This would help for when people go away, or when there are differences of opinion, or when someone does or says something that hurts you. I'm sure I would begin to resent this if it were true, if I could be this way...but it would still be nice right now.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Thoughts, After a Beautiful Weekend
This last weekend was incredible!
On Thursday I was able to be a part of the annual "Ladies Salad Supper". I got to head the decoration committee--and the ladies, and guys, who came to help set up from lunch to 3pm that day did a great job! We got it all done, so that we had a little time in between to get ready for the evening's event. For those of you who don't know what Salad Supper is...this is a time when Level 1 ladies honor the Level 2 ladies who are graduating. We also honor those who had their hands in helping the year go smoothly. It's a really neat tradiation, and it is a wonderful time of fellowship and of "giving honor to whom honor's due."
On Friday, I had class with Gerald Paden (Letters of John). Then I went home for a bit, took a pette nap... then called Dawna Gilbert, and asked her about helping her set up for the Senior Dinner (for the graduates) that evening. We concluded that she would be at LCU's Baker Center around 3:30...so that's what we did. That evening was wonderful. The graduates got "pinned" with their SIBI pins, and Charles Speer spoke over being "Blessed to Serve" (which we truly are!). I got to sit at Dennis and Sharon's table, and everyone was together...over 230 people joined us there...which was awesome!
Saturday morning was the anticipated day of Graduation for the 2008 Sunset Class! I was so excited, and (of course) so were they. I walked in "on time" and found them all lined up in the west enterence, waiting to walk in. Dennis waved for me to come over, gave me a hug, and told me to pray for him because he was nervous. I smiled and told him I already have, and would. I got to hug several others, take bibles and purses from others, and went to find my seat to sit down. I took lots of pictures, which are now on Facebook! :) It was neat to see them walk across the stage, knowing that they were about to head out from this place to "Preach the Word" and continue to live their life for Christ... but, like never before.
God was in all of today...
...I know that sounds somewhat cliche, but it was true!
I started off my week (yesterday, Sunday) going to worship with the congregation at Sunset. I sat with my "parents", Dennis and Sharon Welch and listened to Jay Jarboe give a wonderful lesson on "Generations". His son, Ryan, spoke with him (they tag-teamed it)...he's just graduated high school. After that was class, and "Papa" (Dennis) spoke over the books of Jonah and Nahum. Very good class. After that, I took lunch to the Palmer's house. They just graduated with the 2008 Class...and are headed (now) back to Washington State to work with the congregations up there. But yesterday (after we ate lunch) we packed up the stuff in their house (Dennis and Sharon were there by that time), and then packed the truck so they could leave today. We went to dinner with them, their kids, and their parents.
Now we're at today...the wonderful day!
We moved around some furniture--Gibby Gilbert came to help us and brought us our new kitchen table. After cleaning up some, I went to Walmart...to get stuff for our dinner this evening...with Gerald and Bobbie Paden! :) We also invited Geoff Banks from level one. It was neat to have us all together in one place. We had a good time together!
So, that was my day! Now I have to go study for a test tomorrow, given by Doyle Gilliam... over Philippians. Finals this week! Pray for me.
On Thursday I was able to be a part of the annual "Ladies Salad Supper". I got to head the decoration committee--and the ladies, and guys, who came to help set up from lunch to 3pm that day did a great job! We got it all done, so that we had a little time in between to get ready for the evening's event. For those of you who don't know what Salad Supper is...this is a time when Level 1 ladies honor the Level 2 ladies who are graduating. We also honor those who had their hands in helping the year go smoothly. It's a really neat tradiation, and it is a wonderful time of fellowship and of "giving honor to whom honor's due."
On Friday, I had class with Gerald Paden (Letters of John). Then I went home for a bit, took a pette nap... then called Dawna Gilbert, and asked her about helping her set up for the Senior Dinner (for the graduates) that evening. We concluded that she would be at LCU's Baker Center around 3:30...so that's what we did. That evening was wonderful. The graduates got "pinned" with their SIBI pins, and Charles Speer spoke over being "Blessed to Serve" (which we truly are!). I got to sit at Dennis and Sharon's table, and everyone was together...over 230 people joined us there...which was awesome!
Saturday morning was the anticipated day of Graduation for the 2008 Sunset Class! I was so excited, and (of course) so were they. I walked in "on time" and found them all lined up in the west enterence, waiting to walk in. Dennis waved for me to come over, gave me a hug, and told me to pray for him because he was nervous. I smiled and told him I already have, and would. I got to hug several others, take bibles and purses from others, and went to find my seat to sit down. I took lots of pictures, which are now on Facebook! :) It was neat to see them walk across the stage, knowing that they were about to head out from this place to "Preach the Word" and continue to live their life for Christ... but, like never before.
God was in all of today...
...I know that sounds somewhat cliche, but it was true!
I started off my week (yesterday, Sunday) going to worship with the congregation at Sunset. I sat with my "parents", Dennis and Sharon Welch and listened to Jay Jarboe give a wonderful lesson on "Generations". His son, Ryan, spoke with him (they tag-teamed it)...he's just graduated high school. After that was class, and "Papa" (Dennis) spoke over the books of Jonah and Nahum. Very good class. After that, I took lunch to the Palmer's house. They just graduated with the 2008 Class...and are headed (now) back to Washington State to work with the congregations up there. But yesterday (after we ate lunch) we packed up the stuff in their house (Dennis and Sharon were there by that time), and then packed the truck so they could leave today. We went to dinner with them, their kids, and their parents.
Now we're at today...the wonderful day!
We moved around some furniture--Gibby Gilbert came to help us and brought us our new kitchen table. After cleaning up some, I went to Walmart...to get stuff for our dinner this evening...with Gerald and Bobbie Paden! :) We also invited Geoff Banks from level one. It was neat to have us all together in one place. We had a good time together!
So, that was my day! Now I have to go study for a test tomorrow, given by Doyle Gilliam... over Philippians. Finals this week! Pray for me.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Emo Day, Emo Emotions...
I've decided to write a blog of MUCH expression and inner emotion...
...Now, this blog is not directed to any person, and I don't want anyone to take offense to it (whomever may read this and think I could be directing this to them...I'm NOT)...
...I just need to share some thoughts and some feelings!
I'm so mad and frustrated right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No...I'm not a little mad, the kind of mad that you can just get over with a few deep breaths or a cup of "quiet time" tea and a bath! Oh, no...this is the kind of mad that makes all the muscles in your body from the waist upward tense from more stress than you can contain! The kind of frustration that makes one consider putting their fist through a window, or eat a whole chocolate cake in one sitting (maybe that last one is depression..lol)!!!
The reason why I'm so angry and frustrated....
...I don't know what some people want from me! I just feel like throwing myself off a 2 story building some days! How can I be what is asked of me??? How can I compare to someone who's kept in a mind??? I just want to be me, ok!? I want to live life, I want to share it with people, i want to feel like I can direct my life under God without condemnation...and I'm feeling really condemned right now...and JUDGED!!! Nearly for no reason! At least I can't see why I'm put in this little box you try to fit me into!! It poses so many crazy questions in my head, and makes me doubt who I am...that I am even worth anything! My self-esteem goes out the window, and I feel like giving up who I am to be who you want me to be! But, if I were to do that...would you really get what you want??? Or do you think maybe I wouldn't be who you want me to be anyway??? If I gave up myself, what good do you think it would do??? I can't see it doing any good anymore...I just want to be who Jesus has called me to be, who I am happy becoming in Him, from what I see the Bible calling me to be! That's all I want. Is that too hard to ask of anyone!? I feel like it's the biggest request on earth to you!!!
That's all I have to say.
Thanks for reading.... (I know it doesn't make much sense, but that's ok).
...Now, this blog is not directed to any person, and I don't want anyone to take offense to it (whomever may read this and think I could be directing this to them...I'm NOT)...
...I just need to share some thoughts and some feelings!
I'm so mad and frustrated right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No...I'm not a little mad, the kind of mad that you can just get over with a few deep breaths or a cup of "quiet time" tea and a bath! Oh, no...this is the kind of mad that makes all the muscles in your body from the waist upward tense from more stress than you can contain! The kind of frustration that makes one consider putting their fist through a window, or eat a whole chocolate cake in one sitting (maybe that last one is depression..lol)!!!
The reason why I'm so angry and frustrated....
...I don't know what some people want from me! I just feel like throwing myself off a 2 story building some days! How can I be what is asked of me??? How can I compare to someone who's kept in a mind??? I just want to be me, ok!? I want to live life, I want to share it with people, i want to feel like I can direct my life under God without condemnation...and I'm feeling really condemned right now...and JUDGED!!! Nearly for no reason! At least I can't see why I'm put in this little box you try to fit me into!! It poses so many crazy questions in my head, and makes me doubt who I am...that I am even worth anything! My self-esteem goes out the window, and I feel like giving up who I am to be who you want me to be! But, if I were to do that...would you really get what you want??? Or do you think maybe I wouldn't be who you want me to be anyway??? If I gave up myself, what good do you think it would do??? I can't see it doing any good anymore...I just want to be who Jesus has called me to be, who I am happy becoming in Him, from what I see the Bible calling me to be! That's all I want. Is that too hard to ask of anyone!? I feel like it's the biggest request on earth to you!!!
That's all I have to say.
Thanks for reading.... (I know it doesn't make much sense, but that's ok).
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Rescue Me
This song represents much of my heart right now... the struggle to survive with what I have, the struggle to let God be what I need...to let Him heal me. Because, to be honest...I've tried for a long time to do it on my own...and that doesn't work so well. Because, just like a vine away from the branch--I die without Him!
Rescue Me--by: Krystal Meyers
Swallowing this hurt
Making it lie down
I'm my strongest ally,
living life as I know how
I'm carrying the weight of a world that sold me out
I'm running with my eyes closed
Hoping you don't see this doubt
I'm lost for words
I'm at a loss to tell you what I need
I know there's something moreGod,
help me to believe
[Chorus:]
And all this time
I thought the fight
The fight was only mine
I need to let you rescue me
I'm taking fire
I'm feeling tired
I'm tired of this fight
I need to let you rescue me
I let it go to breathe
I can't take it anymore
I refuse to wake up one more time bleeding on the floor
I won't let myself hold back
I'll surrender what's inside
I'll surrender what's inside
You become my healing tourniquet
So I can feel alive
I feel so exposed
I'm afraid to lose total control
With nothing left to hold
You reach for me and wouldn't let me go
[Chorus:] [2x]
And all this time
I thought the fight
The fight was only mine
I need to let you rescue me
I'm taking fire
I'm feeling tired
I'm tired of this fight
I need to let you rescue me
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Because...just because...
So, someone told me that I needed to write a new blog...so that he could read it. I agreed, so here I am writing a blog about whatever comes to mind!!! I have nothing particular that I feel "compelled" to write about...but I'm sure I can come up with something, because I'm pretty good about writing about nothing. LOL!!!
I've been having better days! God has really been blessing me with peace of heart, and with a stable mindset in a lot of areas of my life. I reconnected with a family member whom I felt was lost to me. I have lost a grandma I loved, but have the security of knowing that she is safe in the arms of the Lord and that I will see her again. I am in a relationship with a boy who loves me, and who is dedicated to serving the Lord! I love where I am, here in Lubbock, at SIBI, learning about how to love God with deeper passion. I have a whole mess of people around me whom care about my well-being, and who push me to grow in myself! I have been seeing a counselor here, and I am learning more about how I deal with things...been able to put some names to actions, and that has freed me a ton! I'm in a better place, dealing with depression....I have ups and downs, some days better than others...but I think right now I am ok. I've been trying to confront areas in my heart that are more concentrated by "heavy clouds"...not focusing all my time on them, but certainly not being afraid to be honest when those things arise. God has been blessing me in confronting what I need to, and giving me the grace that I need for myself.
This month of May is going to be a full one...I can already see that, and we're only 3 days into it! I went yesterday and applied at a couple places for jobs in retail. I've applied at New York 'n Company & JCPenneys in Lubbock. So, we'll see what happens. I will try again next week, looking for places, if I don't get any hits. :) It would be nice to have a job for the summer. I would enjoy working to earn some money of my own. I appreciate my supporters SO MUCH, and without them I wouldn't be where I am today! But I also know that there will be things that'll come up in the near future which I might need a little extra money for...so, it would be nice if I could pay for those things myself. I love being able to do that.
May will also bring with it...SIBI Graduation for the 2008 Class. I have come to know and love so many of these people, so my heart is saddened at the thought that they won't be here anymore. But, I'm overjoyed for them...as they will be leaving for different ministries, countries, and works that the Lord has already prepared in advance for them! That's what this school is all about anyway-- training workers for the Kingdom. The Message is not for us alone...we are told to share it, and that's just what this class is about to go out and do! How exciting is that!?
The sun has been out in force lately...Lubbock has been bright and beautiful. The green of this place is coming back, which is encouraging. I have really felt better with that being the case, and I'm very thankful to the Lord for the good weather we've had. Although, this whole area could use the rain...and plenty of it. So, we're all praying, *Send your rain, Lord!!!*
That's all for now, from me. I feel like I have run out of thoughts, or rather, things to share. But, I hope whoever reads this enjoys the random tidbits of my mind. :)
Love you all lots!!! Miss you, too (even if it's only been a couple days)!!!
I've been having better days! God has really been blessing me with peace of heart, and with a stable mindset in a lot of areas of my life. I reconnected with a family member whom I felt was lost to me. I have lost a grandma I loved, but have the security of knowing that she is safe in the arms of the Lord and that I will see her again. I am in a relationship with a boy who loves me, and who is dedicated to serving the Lord! I love where I am, here in Lubbock, at SIBI, learning about how to love God with deeper passion. I have a whole mess of people around me whom care about my well-being, and who push me to grow in myself! I have been seeing a counselor here, and I am learning more about how I deal with things...been able to put some names to actions, and that has freed me a ton! I'm in a better place, dealing with depression....I have ups and downs, some days better than others...but I think right now I am ok. I've been trying to confront areas in my heart that are more concentrated by "heavy clouds"...not focusing all my time on them, but certainly not being afraid to be honest when those things arise. God has been blessing me in confronting what I need to, and giving me the grace that I need for myself.
This month of May is going to be a full one...I can already see that, and we're only 3 days into it! I went yesterday and applied at a couple places for jobs in retail. I've applied at New York 'n Company & JCPenneys in Lubbock. So, we'll see what happens. I will try again next week, looking for places, if I don't get any hits. :) It would be nice to have a job for the summer. I would enjoy working to earn some money of my own. I appreciate my supporters SO MUCH, and without them I wouldn't be where I am today! But I also know that there will be things that'll come up in the near future which I might need a little extra money for...so, it would be nice if I could pay for those things myself. I love being able to do that.
May will also bring with it...SIBI Graduation for the 2008 Class. I have come to know and love so many of these people, so my heart is saddened at the thought that they won't be here anymore. But, I'm overjoyed for them...as they will be leaving for different ministries, countries, and works that the Lord has already prepared in advance for them! That's what this school is all about anyway-- training workers for the Kingdom. The Message is not for us alone...we are told to share it, and that's just what this class is about to go out and do! How exciting is that!?
The sun has been out in force lately...Lubbock has been bright and beautiful. The green of this place is coming back, which is encouraging. I have really felt better with that being the case, and I'm very thankful to the Lord for the good weather we've had. Although, this whole area could use the rain...and plenty of it. So, we're all praying, *Send your rain, Lord!!!*
That's all for now, from me. I feel like I have run out of thoughts, or rather, things to share. But, I hope whoever reads this enjoys the random tidbits of my mind. :)
Love you all lots!!! Miss you, too (even if it's only been a couple days)!!!
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