Um, a lot of thoughts have come to my head over the last several days. A lot of events have taken place over the last month, and even this last week has been an emotional roller-coaster! It's not bad to have weeks like this...and I am certainly accustom to them. In fact week like the one I just had can be a blessing, if you view them as such! But, often we (or rather, I) tend to view them as something to be "fixed" or "corrected".
How does one really deal with a situation in life that cannot be managed by our hand!? That is a giant concept...especially for me...being one who wishes she could control her mini-universe like a Genie! (*Just being honest*)
God has a lot of work to do on me...I'm beginning to really see that for myself. Not that I didn't "know" that before-- but it's now becoming an ok thing for me to accept. Boy, I have certainly resisted at different times!!! Being "in control" is really fun...not knowing where you're going, well, that's an aspect that has to deal with faith! My faith meter has certainly been tested this last year or two...much more than ever before.
Right now, I am in the process of reading the book of Job. Not a new book for me, as I have read it a couple other times. But, this time I am relating to it far more than ever before! I definitely feel like Job right now...or have, within the last year. I have said some of the things he has, and have had friends who meant well but really made me struggle worse by their words. Now, don't any of you doubt that you are one of those "friends"...it's easy for any of us, when we want to "do" something can try to fix what isn't ours to fix. I believe this is what Job's friends were trying to do...and I have certainly learned some valuable lessons from this book today. How just "sitting quietly, with arms of embrace" or "sharing from God words of truth" are some of the best things we can ever do for a hurting friend. May our words never be brought from presumption of why that one we love is where they are. God is doing far more than we could ever comprehend!
Another thought of mine comes from one of my current classes at Sunset: Letters of John, with Gerald Paden. We are going over the book of 1 John right now, and it has been a real "eye opening" experience for me. Not only to be in class with Gerald, but to actually SEE into the heart of God. The apostle John was a good "lover" of people. All his books were written in love, with their message being about how we are ought to love one another deeply, from the heart. I have always loved the way that John places emphasis on love, but also, Gerald has helped to show me (and many more) what God's love truly looks like! I have always struggled with God loving me. I have always been so grateful for it, and for His presence in my life. But, I have never been able to really accept His love...to my detriment! I've also have struggled with what it truly means to love Him! Because I feel so unworthy to actually be able to. But, being in this class has not only given be a better grasp on that...it has also given me a better lens in which to view Him through, and to view the world He's given me to live in for the mean time!
Some passages from 1 John that have impacted me:
- "Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him....The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." (2:15, 17)
- "Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life in Him. This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers....Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." (3:15-16, 18)
- "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like Him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." (4:16-18)
I don't know what to write anymore! Maybe that's because I don't know what to think anymore... I take some time for contemplation and nothing makes sense in this brain of mine. Very annoying and frustrating... especially for someone like me, who likes to figure out things for herself and do things "right". I feel some days that I don't even know what "right" is anymore. I'm not taking about what's right in God's eyes...but what's right in my own! Maybe that doesn't matter??? I know...some times I think too much...I think about the wrong things...I analyze things to death. But, I don't know what else to do!!! It's something I've done for so long.
Since I've been dealing with depression, with each passing year, I have thought much of who I was had gone away. And to be honest, I think that's the truth...I think much of my "old self" is gone...whether that be a good thing or not. I believe now, today, that God is keeping me in the fire a little longer than I thought he ever would. I've never gotten it, I've had moments when I was angry at Him, moments when I fought what He might try to do with me. Even to the point where I hated myself, and ran back to Him. (I've always been horrible about hurting people...especially my Father, God!) What I'm trying to express, I guess, is that I am in a place where I'm once again dealing with far too many things that I can't understand with this simple mind I have! I just don't "get" things right now. Maybe that's ok... but it bothers the stuffin's out of me!!!
I want to believe that He is doing something I cannot see, something grand, something that has to be nothing I can do...something beyond my strength and ability. But, I'm scared too...because that means that I will have to trust Him with the faith of Abraham....and I'm not very good at that, which I hate to admit. This isn't the "me" I ever envisioned!!! Where I am right now, in this dark and deep place in depression and without a grasp on what's going on...I never wanted to be here! I imagined myself in a totally different place than where I am at the moment. I imagined being this powerfully impactful AIM assistant, and a focused, passionate student at Sunset. Where in reality, my heart still fights for that "me"...but most days I have to fight to get myself to a place where I am dressed, and in the car, on my way to wherever it is that I'm going. This is NOT the existence that I had envisioned for this time in my life. But, I'm not in control. I got that message!!! That's a hard thing to swallow, ok!?
I keep pushing myself though~ and people know it! ...Well, the people that know me the best. They can see me on my good days, when I feel like I can take on the world...and on the horrible days, when I feel like the world is too much. The hardest thing, though, is feeling like I am hurting them...like I am such a huge burden for them...like I shouldn't open up anymore. Yes, that's the "self-destructive Jessica", who wants to protect people so much that she would even protect them from herself...even if that would mean pushing them away. And that's what makes me want to hide...even when there are people all around me! I'm sure many of you have seen it. I'm not as good of a "hider" as I would like to pretend I am...but it's still my horrible pattern. One that I would like to break! One that needs to be broken!!!....along with so many other destructive mindsets I have clung to for years. I pray (when I have the strength to) that God would help me do that. Some times "I need you" is all I can whisper to Him.
I want to believe what everyone else does of me...
That I am going to make it...that I will come out of the dark...that I will be a dynamic person who is stable and faithful. It's just so hard to believe that right now! Because when they say things to encourage me, like "You'll make it through this!" I just want to laugh...or cry...or run. Because inside I have been fighting for a long time, and I feel like I haven't made any headway! It's like I take a staggered step forward...even 2 sometimes, "woohoo"!!! (and that's HUGE)...but then I take 4 back, in fear...because I get to a place that unfamiliar to me. BUT!!!......someday I WILL believe what others say of me! I hope for that day...I long for that day...not because I want to run myself on their words, of what they see in me. But, because what they say of me is what God sees in me, who He has made me, and who He believes I can be in Him!!! So, I will keep fighting...and I will hang onto Jesus the best I can through the dark places in me--seeking His will to the best of my ability, even if I stumble (which I have, and will)... but, I know (now) that he is there to help me up, because he's walking this road with me!
Thank you, my dear friends and Family in Christ...thank you for loving me beyond myself, and in spite of myself most days! You do more for me than you even realize.
I haven't written on this bloggy of mine for 10 days now...
...quite a feat, considering that I was blogging everyday there for a while!
To be perfectly honest, I didn't care to blog. Even though I DID think about it, I just didn't have the energy or mental capacity to do so. I've been doing good if I can get basics taken care of each day and my head in the right place to function like a human! Those thing have been a challenge this last month...but each day presents new areas to grow, and also the opportunity to allow myself the room to grow. Not being in the "place" I want to be (within myself) is the hardest thing for me to accept! I want to be so much for so many people all the time...and that is something that I've got to figure out how to do better. I "know" a great deal about what will happen if I do "such and such", and I could certainly warn others who might fall into the situations I find myself in...yet, taking my own words and using them on myself (the wisdom I have deep inside) gets a little tricky most days. I pray that God will help me to grow here.
It's almost been a month since grandma died. It will be in a little over a week (9 days). In a lot of ways I haven't wanted to write because I have felt so consumed by "keeping myself busy" and just trying to catch up with what was going on here in Lubbock! When I got back from Washington, I had to throw myself into studies and into being an AIM Assistant again... and that, I truly believe, was all I could handle.
--I've got to say it: "I don't know how to grieve for someone who was so close to me!!!"
There... I said it.
I've gone from pretending that I was ok, to admitting to myself that I'm not...to pretending I was ok for others...to allowing myself to not be...all in this last month. And I still don't know where I am or how to get through it all! I've had some wonderful people come up along side me on this journey and share with me their experiences, and take a hold of my head (so to speak). But I still feel so lost! I don't really want to "do" anything (even though, each day I am becoming a little more better in this area)...and some days I want to ignore anyone who wants to speak in terms of "logic" or "reason"! Some days I'm really angry, and frustrated, and tired, and sad, and annoyed, and impatient, and unwilling, and lonely, and troubled inside...and just watch out, some times it's all at once! And then there's days when I'm calm, and and understanding, and available, and agreeable, and happy, and content, and at peace, and patient, and ok with life. But, the bad days seem to equal (and some weeks overpower) the good right now...and that bothers me, greatly! Because that's not where I want to be! I want to be focused, and in tune with life and in what I'm doing...but I don't feel that way. I feel like hiding when I'm with people, and throwing up my hands in despair most days!
There is a few plaques that loved ones have given me over the last few years...
...I recently put them up on the wall by my bed. I also put up all the cards that were send to me for my birthday and to encourage me. But, I particularly want to share with you a couple plaques...because they help me to stay focused each day. 1) "Before you go to bed, give your troubles to God...He will be up all night anyway." 2) "Greet each day with Thanks." These two, along with the other pictures and saying that touch my heart, help to cultivate the good that the Lord is doing within me...challenging me each day to give to Him what He needs to have of my life (which is everything)!!! Please pray for me, as I stretch and grow in this area... and in not simply taking on everything and trying to "fix" it. God has his timing... and as much as I "know" this, I don't know how to accept that or allow that. I need to understand somethings better...about Him...and that will come with time, and study of His Word.
I want to thank each of you for checking in with me, and for praying for me (and my family) over these last few months. Goodness, it's been hard...and I know most of you understand where we are at this moment...thank you for standing beside us in prayer (and in friendship). Know that every effort you make to help heal our hearts does not go unnoticed, and is appreciated!
One of the people in this old world I'm most thankful for is Betty Tracy, the current Dean of Women @ SIBI... and before that, worker in the SIBI financial office (where I first came to love her!). This woman knows this little heart of mine so well sometimes, it's ridiculously scary! I went into her office this morning after the last AIM Chapel to talk with her for a "minute". I knew things were on my heart, but I didn't know how to get them from there to out in the open. For several days now I have just wanted to sit and cry with her, and God provided that for me today. She tends to say things that make a difficult situation easier for me to handle, and the Lord uses her to put things in a way that I can grasp my mind around them... so that I can let myself breathe a little more. She has a gift for loving people. Well, something she said today made a lot of sense once it hit my ears......I had been wondering why this last week has been so hard for me, why I was feeling so frustrated (along with many other emotions)......She said, "Jessica, don't try to fix this!" What!? Wow...It was like a lightbulb moment for me. Because that's exactly what I have been trying to do, in my "Just Be Ok" syndrome. I want to make myself "ok", to just move on, to be "cheery" for people who are happy to see me back here at school again. But, inside, I'm screaming for space and time to do what I need to in processing the loss of my grandma here on earth. To be honest, I don't know how to do that! So, I'm just trying to control myself. And...well...that's not working too well. So, please be praying that I can allow myself to feel what I need to...and that I can find a healthy pace in this time of my life. I love each of you, and thank the Lord for you daily!
So, I've been very emotional today...Ok, yes, there are reasons...but it's not very fun right now. Not that being "emotional" is fun, but some days I can handle it...today seems to be one of those days that I just can't pin-point anything for being the reason "why"...and that's annoying.I'll just share what's on my heart......because I got back up out of bed, at 1am, to write something!!! I just need to get it out of my brain and typed out.I still can't really cry about things, and that's frustrating, because I'm starting to feel sick inside again. When I do cry, it's like I cry two tears and am done! Very strange for me. Usually when I cry, it's at least a little more than that!!! And you would think that after all that I have had to do in the last few weeks, I would be balling my fool head off...but NO! It's more like when the priests were carrying the Ark of the Lord across the Jordan and the waters stopped up river!! What I'm finding is that I'm just distracting myself. In fact, I'm trying NOT to think...to be honest! Whether I realize it or not, I've looked back over the last several days now, and I think when I want to cry, something in me shuts off, so I won't. The only other time I have ever done this in my life is when my parents were still together (for the second time), we were living with my dad at the time, and I remember feeling angry beyond words....I remember not feeling anything really, I was just numb. I think I'm still numb in a lot of ways about what has just happened over the last month...and in particular, my grandma's death. Could it be denial maybe!??? It's almost like I want to move on and not think about it. Because when I do, what I think about is all the hard times that I went through with her...and it breaks my heart. You know, people ask me how I am...and I will respond. I respond with "I'm doing ok". Because mentally, I can be "ok"...I can be "ok" for anyone!!! But, no one has really sat me down and asked me hard questions and wrapped me in their arms. I think if someone did that, I would probably break. I think half of me wants that, and the other half of me doesn't...because I am afraid of not being able to make it through this next week of classes and saying "goodbye" to the AIMers (who will be leaving next week). I have really appreciated people who have told me that they have thought of me, prayed for me, and have missed me here in Lubbock. I really do have a wonderful support group down here (for which I'm so grateful for)...but, in a way, I want to hide even from them. They don't want me to, and would probably kick me for even thinking that... but I really want to do nothing right now but sleep. My motivation for going through this week is other people, and the fact that I will get to see and hug them. Also, I really do NOT want to fail my classes this term...so I will fight through my desire to be bed-ridden. Pray for me...that God will heal my heart a little more everyday, and that I can feel inside what I'm trying to portraying on the outside. I love each of you, and thank the Lord for you!
I'm currently wanting to write something...just pour onto this page...but for some reason, nothing is coming. I have thoughts about a lot of things over the last couple days of grandma's departure into heaven...but when I try and recall those things, it's like I can't. I told mama today that I think I'm still emotionally stunned...almost in shock. It's like this... We've gone on for a long time with grandma the way she was, with some kind of physical illness...whether it was diabetes, or breast cancer, or leukemia...and now there's nothing. No sickness, no chaos...no grandma. It's so weird! I think all of us don't know what to do with ourselves!!! It's too quiet, there isn't enough noise, there isn't grandma asking for things, there isn't her words of gentle wisdom or spiritual guidance, there isn't the daily sound of 'Wheel of Fortune' and 'Jeopardy'... it's eerie... it shouldn't be!!! In my head it makes sense...oh sure! But, to my heart, it's like death as come... because it has. I had prayed for days that the Lord would take grandma...I begged Him some days! But, now that things have calmed down...now that I pushed myself through all the preparations and dealings of the memorial service...I just want to collapse and not get up for a long time. Those emotions that I have held back of my own are now coming to the surface. I could tell people for the last week (even these last few days) that I am "ok"...because I have been. But I don't think I'm ok anymore. I WILL be....soon....but I'm not right now. Today was the actual burial...and I couldn't go. I didn't want to! I had no strength to. In fact none of my sisters, nor my mom, went. I don't even know how Grandpa did it! He wasn't going to...but then decided last night that he would. He said it was good for him to go, because it was something else for "closure"...and I'm glad, for him. To be honest, I have gone through these last couple week like I have been...simply for my family. Yes, ok, some of it was for me. But, I had to do things and be a certain way that I wouldn't have if it was not for them...because of the pain that I saw in their eyes and the sadness that I heard from their hearts. I brought out "strong Jessica", and she remained, until yesterday. Today is "broken Jessica". Like my mama said the other day..."There are too much of my mom here, she's everywhere!" It's so true. This house was her dwelling place, and so much of it was tailored to her...right down to the toilet and the railing in the shower. Even the poems and pictures of people that she has always stuck on the walls all over the house... those things are all there still, in place.. but, she isn't. Of course we all feel thankful for all the years that we had with her, and for the things she poured into our lives!!! But right now, we just feel robbed, in a lot of ways. We miss her...and honestly, cannot believe she's gone. It doesn't feel right! As much as we want to make sense of things...as much as we are trying to... there are still things that we can't get past. Things that we think of and feel...things that we won't let ourselves think and feel, too! For me, I will be haunted for a long time with images of her last days...the good and the bad. As for the good-- I will remember her using all her energy to sit up when the quartet and the elders came to sing for (and with) her, her pulling me close to hug me when I was snuggled up close to her one evening, and her telling me that she loves me. For the bad-- it's all those things that I did because I was here too help, she wanted me here...but some things I really wish I wouldn't of had to do. Like when she passed...when I had to help clothe her to be taken away that morning.. and when my aunt didn't want her hand to get cold, so she had us take turns holding it. There are lots of other memories that I could share...but, that would make this blog even longer than it is. All those memories will be flooding back for a while, I'm sure.I would like to take a minute here to thank everyone who has loved my family and I through this whole thing. God has been so good to us through you, and because of your faithful prayers on our behalf. Thank you for the cards, calls, visits, food, flowers, thoughts, emails, comments...and anything else you did! Every bit of what you did through love touched our hearts, and have helped this process be one of healing...just knowing we are loved. The memorial service on Sunday was a success, I've been told. But, I truly believe it was so because of those who came and honored us with your presence. We needed those hugs...that's for sure! :) Keep us in prayer as we face these next few weeks and months, and as we all adjust to the differences. I will be heading back to Lubbock on the 4th of April (this Friday). My family is sad to see me go, but I am so grateful that I have had this time with them. I look forward to seeing all of you who are in the Lubbock area. I've missed you, as only a Jessica heart could!!! :)
