Is this me!?

I don't know what to write anymore! Maybe that's because I don't know what to think anymore... I take some time for contemplation and nothing makes sense in this brain of mine. Very annoying and frustrating... especially for someone like me, who likes to figure out things for herself and do things "right". I feel some days that I don't even know what "right" is anymore. I'm not taking about what's right in God's eyes...but what's right in my own! Maybe that doesn't matter??? I know...some times I think too much...I think about the wrong things...I analyze things to death. But, I don't know what else to do!!! It's something I've done for so long.

Since I've been dealing with depression, with each passing year, I have thought much of who I was had gone away. And to be honest, I think that's the truth...I think much of my "old self" is gone...whether that be a good thing or not. I believe now, today, that God is keeping me in the fire a little longer than I thought he ever would. I've never gotten it, I've had moments when I was angry at Him, moments when I fought what He might try to do with me. Even to the point where I hated myself, and ran back to Him. (I've always been horrible about hurting people...especially my Father, God!) What I'm trying to express, I guess, is that I am in a place where I'm once again dealing with far too many things that I can't understand with this simple mind I have! I just don't "get" things right now. Maybe that's ok... but it bothers the stuffin's out of me!!!

I want to believe that He is doing something I cannot see, something grand, something that has to be nothing I can do...something beyond my strength and ability. But, I'm scared too...because that means that I will have to trust Him with the faith of Abraham....and I'm not very good at that, which I hate to admit. This isn't the "me" I ever envisioned!!! Where I am right now, in this dark and deep place in depression and without a grasp on what's going on...I never wanted to be here! I imagined myself in a totally different place than where I am at the moment. I imagined being this powerfully impactful AIM assistant, and a focused, passionate student at Sunset. Where in reality, my heart still fights for that "me"...but most days I have to fight to get myself to a place where I am dressed, and in the car, on my way to wherever it is that I'm going. This is NOT the existence that I had envisioned for this time in my life. But, I'm not in control. I got that message!!! That's a hard thing to swallow, ok!?

I keep pushing myself though~ and people know it! ...Well, the people that know me the best. They can see me on my good days, when I feel like I can take on the world...and on the horrible days, when I feel like the world is too much. The hardest thing, though, is feeling like I am hurting them...like I am such a huge burden for them...like I shouldn't open up anymore. Yes, that's the "self-destructive Jessica", who wants to protect people so much that she would even protect them from herself...even if that would mean pushing them away. And that's what makes me want to hide...even when there are people all around me! I'm sure many of you have seen it. I'm not as good of a "hider" as I would like to pretend I am...but it's still my horrible pattern. One that I would like to break! One that needs to be broken!!!....along with so many other destructive mindsets I have clung to for years. I pray (when I have the strength to) that God would help me do that. Some times "I need you" is all I can whisper to Him.

I want to believe what everyone else does of me...
That I am going to make it...that I will come out of the dark...that I will be a dynamic person who is stable and faithful. It's just so hard to believe that right now! Because when they say things to encourage me, like "You'll make it through this!" I just want to laugh...or cry...or run. Because inside I have been fighting for a long time, and I feel like I haven't made any headway! It's like I take a staggered step forward...even 2 sometimes, "woohoo"!!! (and that's HUGE)...but then I take 4 back, in fear...because I get to a place that unfamiliar to me. BUT!!!......someday I WILL believe what others say of me! I hope for that day...I long for that day...not because I want to run myself on their words, of what they see in me. But, because what they say of me is what God sees in me, who He has made me, and who He believes I can be in Him!!! So, I will keep fighting...and I will hang onto Jesus the best I can through the dark places in me--seeking His will to the best of my ability, even if I stumble (which I have, and will)... but, I know (now) that he is there to help me up, because he's walking this road with me!

Thank you, my dear friends and Family in Christ...thank you for loving me beyond myself, and in spite of myself most days! You do more for me than you even realize.