The sorting process continues...

I'm currently wanting to write something...just pour onto this page...but for some reason, nothing is coming. I have thoughts about a lot of things over the last couple days of grandma's departure into heaven...but when I try and recall those things, it's like I can't. I told mama today that I think I'm still emotionally stunned...almost in shock. It's like this... We've gone on for a long time with grandma the way she was, with some kind of physical illness...whether it was diabetes, or breast cancer, or leukemia...and now there's nothing. No sickness, no chaos...no grandma. It's so weird! I think all of us don't know what to do with ourselves!!! It's too quiet, there isn't enough noise, there isn't grandma asking for things, there isn't her words of gentle wisdom or spiritual guidance, there isn't the daily sound of 'Wheel of Fortune' and 'Jeopardy'... it's eerie... it shouldn't be!!!

In my head it makes sense...oh sure! But, to my heart, it's like death as come... because it has. I had prayed for days that the Lord would take grandma...I begged Him some days! But, now that things have calmed down...now that I pushed myself through all the preparations and dealings of the memorial service...I just want to collapse and not get up for a long time. Those emotions that I have held back of my own are now coming to the surface. I could tell people for the last week (even these last few days) that I am "ok"...because I have been. But I don't think I'm ok anymore. I WILL be....soon....but I'm not right now. Today was the actual burial...and I couldn't go. I didn't want to! I had no strength to. In fact none of my sisters, nor my mom, went. I don't even know how Grandpa did it! He wasn't going to...but then decided last night that he would. He said it was good for him to go, because it was something else for "closure"...and I'm glad, for him.

To be honest, I have gone through these last couple week like I have been...simply for my family. Yes, ok, some of it was for me. But, I had to do things and be a certain way that I wouldn't have if it was not for them...because of the pain that I saw in their eyes and the sadness that I heard from their hearts. I brought out "strong Jessica", and she remained, until yesterday. Today is "broken Jessica". Like my mama said the other day..."There are too much of my mom here, she's everywhere!" It's so true. This house was her dwelling place, and so much of it was tailored to her...right down to the toilet and the railing in the shower. Even the poems and pictures of people that she has always stuck on the walls all over the house... those things are all there still, in place.. but, she isn't. Of course we all feel thankful for all the years that we had with her, and for the things she poured into our lives!!! But right now, we just feel robbed, in a lot of ways. We miss her...and honestly, cannot believe she's gone. It doesn't feel right!

As much as we want to make sense of things...as much as we are trying to... there are still things that we can't get past. Things that we think of and feel...things that we won't let ourselves think and feel, too! For me, I will be haunted for a long time with images of her last days...the good and the bad. As for the good-- I will remember her using all her energy to sit up when the quartet and the elders came to sing for (and with) her, her pulling me close to hug me when I was snuggled up close to her one evening, and her telling me that she loves me. For the bad-- it's all those things that I did because I was here too help, she wanted me here...but some things I really wish I wouldn't of had to do. Like when she passed...when I had to help clothe her to be taken away that morning.. and when my aunt didn't want her hand to get cold, so she had us take turns holding it. There are lots of other memories that I could share...but, that would make this blog even longer than it is. All those memories will be flooding back for a while, I'm sure.

I would like to take a minute here to thank everyone who has loved my family and I through this whole thing. God has been so good to us through you, and because of your faithful prayers on our behalf. Thank you for the cards, calls, visits, food, flowers, thoughts, emails, comments...and anything else you did! Every bit of what you did through love touched our hearts, and have helped this process be one of healing...just knowing we are loved. The memorial service on Sunday was a success, I've been told. But, I truly believe it was so because of those who came and honored us with your presence. We needed those hugs...that's for sure! :) Keep us in prayer as we face these next few weeks and months, and as we all adjust to the differences.

I will be heading back to Lubbock on the 4th of April (this Friday). My family is sad to see me go, but I am so grateful that I have had this time with them. I look forward to seeing all of you who are in the Lubbock area. I've missed you, as only a Jessica heart could!!! :)