sadness...in so many ways

So, I've been very emotional today...
Ok, yes, there are reasons...but it's not very fun right now. Not that being "emotional" is fun, but some days I can handle it...today seems to be one of those days that I just can't pin-point anything for being the reason "why"...and that's annoying.

I'll just share what's on my heart...
...because I got back up out of bed, at 1am, to write something!!! I just need to get it out of my brain and typed out.

I still can't really cry about things, and that's frustrating, because I'm starting to feel sick inside again. When I do cry, it's like I cry two tears and am done! Very strange for me. Usually when I cry, it's at least a little more than that!!! And you would think that after all that I have had to do in the last few weeks, I would be balling my fool head off...but NO! It's more like when the priests were carrying the Ark of the Lord across the Jordan and the waters stopped up river!!

What I'm finding is that I'm just distracting myself. In fact, I'm trying NOT to think...to be honest! Whether I realize it or not, I've looked back over the last several days now, and I think when I want to cry, something in me shuts off, so I won't. The only other time I have ever done this in my life is when my parents were still together (for the second time), we were living with my dad at the time, and I remember feeling angry beyond words....I remember not feeling anything really, I was just numb. I think I'm still numb in a lot of ways about what has just happened over the last month...and in particular, my grandma's death. Could it be denial maybe!??? It's almost like I want to move on and not think about it. Because when I do, what I think about is all the hard times that I went through with her...and it breaks my heart.

You know, people ask me how I am...and I will respond. I respond with "I'm doing ok". Because mentally, I can be "ok"...I can be "ok" for anyone!!! But, no one has really sat me down and asked me hard questions and wrapped me in their arms. I think if someone did that, I would probably break. I think half of me wants that, and the other half of me doesn't...because I am afraid of not being able to make it through this next week of classes and saying "goodbye" to the AIMers (who will be leaving next week). I have really appreciated people who have told me that they have thought of me, prayed for me, and have missed me here in Lubbock. I really do have a wonderful support group down here (for which I'm so grateful for)...but, in a way, I want to hide even from them. They don't want me to, and would probably kick me for even thinking that... but I really want to do nothing right now but sleep. My motivation for going through this week is other people, and the fact that I will get to see and hug them. Also, I really do NOT want to fail my classes this term...so I will fight through my desire to be bed-ridden.

Pray for me...that God will heal my heart a little more everyday, and that I can feel inside what I'm trying to portraying on the outside. I love each of you, and thank the Lord for you!