"Give Your Troubles To GOD..."

I haven't written on this bloggy of mine for 10 days now...
...quite a feat, considering that I was blogging everyday there for a while!

To be perfectly honest, I didn't care to blog. Even though I DID think about it, I just didn't have the energy or mental capacity to do so. I've been doing good if I can get basics taken care of each day and my head in the right place to function like a human! Those thing have been a challenge this last month...but each day presents new areas to grow, and also the opportunity to allow myself the room to grow. Not being in the "place" I want to be (within myself) is the hardest thing for me to accept! I want to be so much for so many people all the time...and that is something that I've got to figure out how to do better. I "know" a great deal about what will happen if I do "such and such", and I could certainly warn others who might fall into the situations I find myself in...yet, taking my own words and using them on myself (the wisdom I have deep inside) gets a little tricky most days. I pray that God will help me to grow here.

It's almost been a month since grandma died. It will be in a little over a week (9 days). In a lot of ways I haven't wanted to write because I have felt so consumed by "keeping myself busy" and just trying to catch up with what was going on here in Lubbock! When I got back from Washington, I had to throw myself into studies and into being an AIM Assistant again... and that, I truly believe, was all I could handle.

--I've got to say it: "I don't know how to grieve for someone who was so close to me!!!"

There... I said it.

I've gone from pretending that I was ok, to admitting to myself that I'm not...to pretending I was ok for others...to allowing myself to not be...all in this last month. And I still don't know where I am or how to get through it all! I've had some wonderful people come up along side me on this journey and share with me their experiences, and take a hold of my head (so to speak). But I still feel so lost! I don't really want to "do" anything (even though, each day I am becoming a little more better in this area)...and some days I want to ignore anyone who wants to speak in terms of "logic" or "reason"! Some days I'm really angry, and frustrated, and tired, and sad, and annoyed, and impatient, and unwilling, and lonely, and troubled inside...and just watch out, some times it's all at once! And then there's days when I'm calm, and and understanding, and available, and agreeable, and happy, and content, and at peace, and patient, and ok with life. But, the bad days seem to equal (and some weeks overpower) the good right now...and that bothers me, greatly! Because that's not where I want to be! I want to be focused, and in tune with life and in what I'm doing...but I don't feel that way. I feel like hiding when I'm with people, and throwing up my hands in despair most days!

There is a few plaques that loved ones have given me over the last few years...
...I recently put them up on the wall by my bed. I also put up all the cards that were send to me for my birthday and to encourage me. But, I particularly want to share with you a couple plaques...because they help me to stay focused each day. 1) "Before you go to bed, give your troubles to God...He will be up all night anyway." 2) "Greet each day with Thanks." These two, along with the other pictures and saying that touch my heart, help to cultivate the good that the Lord is doing within me...challenging me each day to give to Him what He needs to have of my life (which is everything)!!! Please pray for me, as I stretch and grow in this area... and in not simply taking on everything and trying to "fix" it. God has his timing... and as much as I "know" this, I don't know how to accept that or allow that. I need to understand somethings better...about Him...and that will come with time, and study of His Word.

I want to thank each of you for checking in with me, and for praying for me (and my family) over these last few months. Goodness, it's been hard...and I know most of you understand where we are at this moment...thank you for standing beside us in prayer (and in friendship). Know that every effort you make to help heal our hearts does not go unnoticed, and is appreciated!