Since the beginning of what was actually considered "Summer Break", I have felt this present sense of lacking. Maybe it's because I am still in Lubbock (and everyone else isn't, except for a few)...but I really think it may be more than that. As some of you readers may know (really, only 2 of you read this probably)...I have struggled with healing from certain aspects of my growing up years, with the help of a counselor. Well, things with that have been going well. But as I continue, I have found that my emotions are more like skin that has been peeled back and left raw for a time. All the nerves are exposed, and I am in pain...and driven to high emotions and tears! That is how I am right now, about so many things...almost as if I cannot deal with even the little things without them bringing up some thought of the past. I feel like my mind needs to go on vacation with my heart...to the beautiful island of NoWhere! :) In fact, I seem to be taking so many things personally...almost as if I feel people can tell how uncomfortable I feel within my own skin. Even though most people with whom I have contact in a day can't see into my heart...I feel like it shows on my face (which I've been told is very possible with me).
In the last week, I have been finishing up my job working for Cyd (the rent house owner). Today I will (hopefully) get all the cleaning accomplished, and be done! Then the next 3 days of my life will be consumed with trying to pack and clean my own world and move out of my apartment by the 1st of July. We have decided (as an apartment) for me to do that, so that we can get half rent for this month. Ashley (our friend in the complex, from Sunset) has given me permission to live with her for the two weeks until Alex and I leave for our trip to Seattle. Her letting me stay is such a blessing! Last night I had a huge "cry session", and that's when she came over to tell me that I could stay with her. I'm sure that I looked all red-eyed and wiped out...but she was very sweet and understanding, which I appreciated. Alex has also tried his best to be understanding as well, and to comfort me with words and love. I have just felt so far out of my comfort zone with all the change that I'm trying to accomplish right now, and with the changes that are happening inside my heart and mind. I know God is at the center of it all, working His wonderful healing and transformation...but it's still hard. I'm just so thankful that He has placed so many amazing people in my life...to be there for me through this process, so that I'm not "alone". He is so good!
Friday, June 27, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Summer Events
This Summer has been busy, yet not too crazy...yet! God blessed me with this excellent job...painting for a lady who owns several rent houses. It's been awesome getting to know her and spending some time getting out emotions through painting stationary objects! It's really soothing for me to paint methodically, I've realized. I'm also being able to save what I make through this job for my trip to go see my family this summer, which is a huge blessing. I'm extremely grateful to God for providing for me so perfectly.
Alex is here now...which has been awesome! He got here almost 2 weeks ago now. It's been an interesting transition, seeing as we really haven't been around each other for over a year. He, being in France still...and me, being here (having left France a year before). But, now we're both back, and will both be at SIBI. Since we are both each others' "1sts", this is a whole new world. I really have been enjoying getting to know him better (than over the phone or through emails)... and in an actual, close, everyday setting! We're both learning new things about each other: how we react to things, how we "do" things, emotional levels at different times, etc. I suppose this is normal for any "couple", but it's a part of our relationship that we really haven't ever had. So, it's been interesting (like I said). ;) Please keep us in your prayers, as we seek to do things in a Godly manner and what's best for us under Him.
Since SIBI ended for the year, I have been going from house to house...helping those who have just graduated from Sunset move out from their house to where they will be heading for ministry. I love helping people move...even though it can be such an emotional time. I'd rather be there for them at that time though, than not. It's hard to see people whom you've come to love SO deeply move off to places (some times) "unknown"...but that's a part of this program! You come, learn, grow, live, love...and then God sends you off...with experiences, new things learned, new friendships in Him, and a new focus in life. I love what we go through here, as disciples of Christ...but it also can be a challenge (all around)! I'm mainly just thankful for this place that so many of us have come to appreciate and hold dear to our hearts.
So, that's my summer (so far)...I'm just working, growing, sharing, and loving!
Alex is here now...which has been awesome! He got here almost 2 weeks ago now. It's been an interesting transition, seeing as we really haven't been around each other for over a year. He, being in France still...and me, being here (having left France a year before). But, now we're both back, and will both be at SIBI. Since we are both each others' "1sts", this is a whole new world. I really have been enjoying getting to know him better (than over the phone or through emails)... and in an actual, close, everyday setting! We're both learning new things about each other: how we react to things, how we "do" things, emotional levels at different times, etc. I suppose this is normal for any "couple", but it's a part of our relationship that we really haven't ever had. So, it's been interesting (like I said). ;) Please keep us in your prayers, as we seek to do things in a Godly manner and what's best for us under Him.
Since SIBI ended for the year, I have been going from house to house...helping those who have just graduated from Sunset move out from their house to where they will be heading for ministry. I love helping people move...even though it can be such an emotional time. I'd rather be there for them at that time though, than not. It's hard to see people whom you've come to love SO deeply move off to places (some times) "unknown"...but that's a part of this program! You come, learn, grow, live, love...and then God sends you off...with experiences, new things learned, new friendships in Him, and a new focus in life. I love what we go through here, as disciples of Christ...but it also can be a challenge (all around)! I'm mainly just thankful for this place that so many of us have come to appreciate and hold dear to our hearts.
So, that's my summer (so far)...I'm just working, growing, sharing, and loving!
Monday, June 9, 2008
I don't get me...
I have heard people say, "I don't get me some days!" But, for me right now, it's more like... "I don't get me some weeks", or "I don't get me some months!"
I feel like a BIG BALL of EMOTION right now...with LOTS of facets and things that I just CANNOT explain to myself, or anyone else for that matter!
People are leaving, or have left the Lubbock area...some for the summer, some for ever. But others have come, or are coming. I just don't think I'm dealing with all the change so well.
And then there's the change of "me"...the hard work that I have been doing to TRY and be open and honest with myself, most of which is either painful or hard to make sense of. You top that off with all the "losses" I feel right now, and what you get is a Jessica who would rather stay in bed than deal with the world around her!
I feel like I am having to cut away so many parts of myself, and then add others...and not having a single helpful "guide" in which to do that accurately! I really feel rather lost at the moment, and I don't feel like anyone around me right now REALLY understands. I don't even feel like this blogsite is "safe" anymore! I feel really judged at the moment, and so I fear putting my emotions and my thoughts online...thinking that someone will deny them or say that I shouldn't be as "unbalanced" as I am appearing.
Personally, I hate feeling unbalanced! I actually don't like being "confusing"....but right now, that's how it is! I don't understand some places of my heart and mind that are being touched and examined, and when you push too hard on one spot I FLIP! And I react in a way that's more like a hurt animal than a logical, rashional human being...and I don't even know why I do that!!! Which is extremely annoying!
I wish some days that I couldn't feel emotion. That I didn't react. That I just was...and nothing bothered me. That people could do whatever they wanted around me, and I wouldn't feel anothing about it or care. This would help for when people go away, or when there are differences of opinion, or when someone does or says something that hurts you. I'm sure I would begin to resent this if it were true, if I could be this way...but it would still be nice right now.
I feel like a BIG BALL of EMOTION right now...with LOTS of facets and things that I just CANNOT explain to myself, or anyone else for that matter!
People are leaving, or have left the Lubbock area...some for the summer, some for ever. But others have come, or are coming. I just don't think I'm dealing with all the change so well.
And then there's the change of "me"...the hard work that I have been doing to TRY and be open and honest with myself, most of which is either painful or hard to make sense of. You top that off with all the "losses" I feel right now, and what you get is a Jessica who would rather stay in bed than deal with the world around her!
I feel like I am having to cut away so many parts of myself, and then add others...and not having a single helpful "guide" in which to do that accurately! I really feel rather lost at the moment, and I don't feel like anyone around me right now REALLY understands. I don't even feel like this blogsite is "safe" anymore! I feel really judged at the moment, and so I fear putting my emotions and my thoughts online...thinking that someone will deny them or say that I shouldn't be as "unbalanced" as I am appearing.
Personally, I hate feeling unbalanced! I actually don't like being "confusing"....but right now, that's how it is! I don't understand some places of my heart and mind that are being touched and examined, and when you push too hard on one spot I FLIP! And I react in a way that's more like a hurt animal than a logical, rashional human being...and I don't even know why I do that!!! Which is extremely annoying!
I wish some days that I couldn't feel emotion. That I didn't react. That I just was...and nothing bothered me. That people could do whatever they wanted around me, and I wouldn't feel anothing about it or care. This would help for when people go away, or when there are differences of opinion, or when someone does or says something that hurts you. I'm sure I would begin to resent this if it were true, if I could be this way...but it would still be nice right now.
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