Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Mexico...a few captured memories
I thought it would be nice to put some pictures of my time in Mexico on here. Hope you all enjoy them!
Friday, February 15, 2008
Thinking of Mexico
The AIM group has been back from its trip to Mexico City for almost 24 hours...and being back in America is still odd. I can flush toilet paper, and that seems weird to do after not being able to for a week. It's interesting the things one wants to do (or not do) after being in another place, with a different people. I wish I could adequately discribe to you how being in Mexico made me feel. But, to put it plainly...God worked on me. He showed me aspects of myself that I needed to see, and He did some rearranging of the rooms of my heart. I would like to share with you what I wrote down as I worshipped with the church (last Sunday), which meets at the Pink House in Mexico City:
**********************************************
Sunday Thoughts, from the Pink House….
(Mexico City: 2-10-2008)
Matthew 28:16-20
Personal Questions:
What is Jesus calling me to? Is it not to reach out from where I am to the hearts of the Lost around me? Am I fulfilling that mission!? What is keeping me from doing that!? Have I really adapted the concept that Jesus is conveying in Matthew 28? Have I really become a true disciple …one who is focused and determined??? Where is my heart leading, by the Spirit???
My Thoughts:
Being here in Mexico, at this moment I feel like my heart is breaking. I’ve been here in this place (in this city) before, so why am I moved to tears!? I wonder if my heart has realized that its desire is to work in a place where churches are few, and workers are even fewer. I was honest with myself right now I’d respond with a huge, “Yes!”
For the Communion time this morning, the statement that impacting me most is this: “Whatever you believe…that is what you will live, that’s what you will practice.” What do I believe, and how am I living as a result of that belief???
I really miss having a mission (or at least feeling like I have one)…or rather one which has been clearly set before me in black and white. Right now, after worshipping with the church here, I feel like a part of me has been awakened after a time of being asleep. I miss struggling in another country, I miss struggling for (and with) the Lost.
I God calling my heart to missions once again!? Don’t we have the same mission (or “calling”) no matter where our current location happens to be?? But, honestly, I feel like He wants me to step outside of myself and my comfort to head out to a foreign field. I don’t know when that will be…but I truly feel like my heart would be happiest helping to build up the church outside the U.S. I wonder how the Lord will do that, or what that will look like. Maybe Mexico will be a part of that grand “unknown”.
**********************************************
Sunday Thoughts, from the Pink House….
(Mexico City: 2-10-2008)
Matthew 28:16-20
Personal Questions:
What is Jesus calling me to? Is it not to reach out from where I am to the hearts of the Lost around me? Am I fulfilling that mission!? What is keeping me from doing that!? Have I really adapted the concept that Jesus is conveying in Matthew 28? Have I really become a true disciple …one who is focused and determined??? Where is my heart leading, by the Spirit???
My Thoughts:
Being here in Mexico, at this moment I feel like my heart is breaking. I’ve been here in this place (in this city) before, so why am I moved to tears!? I wonder if my heart has realized that its desire is to work in a place where churches are few, and workers are even fewer. I was honest with myself right now I’d respond with a huge, “Yes!”
For the Communion time this morning, the statement that impacting me most is this: “Whatever you believe…that is what you will live, that’s what you will practice.” What do I believe, and how am I living as a result of that belief???
I really miss having a mission (or at least feeling like I have one)…or rather one which has been clearly set before me in black and white. Right now, after worshipping with the church here, I feel like a part of me has been awakened after a time of being asleep. I miss struggling in another country, I miss struggling for (and with) the Lost.
I God calling my heart to missions once again!? Don’t we have the same mission (or “calling”) no matter where our current location happens to be?? But, honestly, I feel like He wants me to step outside of myself and my comfort to head out to a foreign field. I don’t know when that will be…but I truly feel like my heart would be happiest helping to build up the church outside the U.S. I wonder how the Lord will do that, or what that will look like. Maybe Mexico will be a part of that grand “unknown”.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Tears of Thankfulness
Today was another visit to talk with my new counselor...the second trip, to be exact. Last time was pretty difficult, as I felt all bottled up inside. But, this time was a little better. Not much...but somewhat. He said he could tell a difference in me since the last time, which is encouraging. I told him it was because I was all held up inside last time...and he said, "I could tell." That's nice when your counselor can actually notice changes in your being. He seems to be very perceptive, which I'm thankful for. I think my biggest frustration is just knowing where to start from, and then how much to begin with, and then feeling like it's not going a fast as I would like (or whatever)...and then not allowing all those thoughts (tapes) to filter in and take over. It's hard not to have expectations sometimes...especially when I feel more like "myself"...which makes me want to charge on with mucho gusto! THAT is what I have to be careful for...because I tend to want to run ahead of myself (and God)! I don't know how to just be ME, and be ok with that. I mean, there are a lot of things I want to do, and just don't feel capable of accomplishing. I'm looking forward to the day when I can connect the knowledge that I have stored up inside me with the agility to process... which I hope will resort in added wisdom.
It's been a week now since I started taking my new depression medication. I actually have begun to feel somewhat "normal"...if that's even a catagory. My emotions feel less "intense" and I am actually feeling more able of handling everyday occurances, like school, or feeding myself, or smiling. It's not as much of an effort to smile, and it's actually sincere. I mean, I still have bad days where I just want to sleep the day away, and there are still days when I don't want to eat...(today's one of those days)...but I'm not at the place I was a week or so ago, where I just laid on the floor and cried. I'm still seeking, but I'm not at that point of desperateness that wanted an immidiate fix.
The best way for me to describe things sometimes are in word pictures, because there are time when words just won't do very well. To explain how I've felt for so long...it's like this:
In heart I am a long distance runner...but I have felt for most of my life that my heart and my legs don't have the same plan. That the training I have doesn't allow me to go long-term, only short-term...maybe because that's what I've learned. So much of the patterns from my homelife have only enabled me to process quickly but for the momen...like for a dash, not a marithon. I hope that God will continue to grow me, so that I CAN run the race for Him with more endurance and devotion. Also, another way I could discribe it is like this: I feel like I keep trying to ride this horse that God has given me, but when I say "GO...yah...giddy up...", it just stands there, unwilling to move. I become extremely frustrated (with the horse, and then with myself), because I know where I want to go...but my commands mean nothing to the horse! Then people look at me (or rather, I get self-conscience) and wonder what my problem is, why I cannot get my horse to walk, run...or even MOVE! That makes me feel very incapable of anything, to be honest. I really look forward to having some answers, to knowing more about me...hopefully be able to understand why the horse won't go, and why I can't run the distance.
Thank you for the continued prayers! Please remember the AIM group, as we prepare to head to Mexcio City (Mexico) this Thursday for a week of culture and experience. There will hopefully be a lot of changed hearts (and lives), because the Lord will be involved (as he always is)! :)
It's been a week now since I started taking my new depression medication. I actually have begun to feel somewhat "normal"...if that's even a catagory. My emotions feel less "intense" and I am actually feeling more able of handling everyday occurances, like school, or feeding myself, or smiling. It's not as much of an effort to smile, and it's actually sincere. I mean, I still have bad days where I just want to sleep the day away, and there are still days when I don't want to eat...(today's one of those days)...but I'm not at the place I was a week or so ago, where I just laid on the floor and cried. I'm still seeking, but I'm not at that point of desperateness that wanted an immidiate fix.
The best way for me to describe things sometimes are in word pictures, because there are time when words just won't do very well. To explain how I've felt for so long...it's like this:
In heart I am a long distance runner...but I have felt for most of my life that my heart and my legs don't have the same plan. That the training I have doesn't allow me to go long-term, only short-term...maybe because that's what I've learned. So much of the patterns from my homelife have only enabled me to process quickly but for the momen...like for a dash, not a marithon. I hope that God will continue to grow me, so that I CAN run the race for Him with more endurance and devotion. Also, another way I could discribe it is like this: I feel like I keep trying to ride this horse that God has given me, but when I say "GO...yah...giddy up...", it just stands there, unwilling to move. I become extremely frustrated (with the horse, and then with myself), because I know where I want to go...but my commands mean nothing to the horse! Then people look at me (or rather, I get self-conscience) and wonder what my problem is, why I cannot get my horse to walk, run...or even MOVE! That makes me feel very incapable of anything, to be honest. I really look forward to having some answers, to knowing more about me...hopefully be able to understand why the horse won't go, and why I can't run the distance.
Thank you for the continued prayers! Please remember the AIM group, as we prepare to head to Mexcio City (Mexico) this Thursday for a week of culture and experience. There will hopefully be a lot of changed hearts (and lives), because the Lord will be involved (as he always is)! :)
Friday, February 1, 2008
Thanks!
I've been having some better days recently. Don't know if that has anything to do with the new medication I've been on, or if problems are not as big in my life right now. Well, I know the problems are still as big and as complicated...so, it may be a mixture of things involved in my "ok-ness" at the moment. I would say it's God, working things only God can.
It's really funning to me, because I have wondered if anyone actually reads these blogs I write. I really have no clue who comes on and checks this site, but I DO know that it's been very theraputic for me to write all this out to a world unknown. So, to those of you who read this blogsite from time to time...thanks for letting me ramble on. Please continue to pray for me (the prayers are working), and thank you for listening! :)
--Me
It's really funning to me, because I have wondered if anyone actually reads these blogs I write. I really have no clue who comes on and checks this site, but I DO know that it's been very theraputic for me to write all this out to a world unknown. So, to those of you who read this blogsite from time to time...thanks for letting me ramble on. Please continue to pray for me (the prayers are working), and thank you for listening! :)
--Me
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