Tears of Thankfulness

Today was another visit to talk with my new counselor...the second trip, to be exact. Last time was pretty difficult, as I felt all bottled up inside. But, this time was a little better. Not much...but somewhat. He said he could tell a difference in me since the last time, which is encouraging. I told him it was because I was all held up inside last time...and he said, "I could tell." That's nice when your counselor can actually notice changes in your being. He seems to be very perceptive, which I'm thankful for. I think my biggest frustration is just knowing where to start from, and then how much to begin with, and then feeling like it's not going a fast as I would like (or whatever)...and then not allowing all those thoughts (tapes) to filter in and take over. It's hard not to have expectations sometimes...especially when I feel more like "myself"...which makes me want to charge on with mucho gusto! THAT is what I have to be careful for...because I tend to want to run ahead of myself (and God)! I don't know how to just be ME, and be ok with that. I mean, there are a lot of things I want to do, and just don't feel capable of accomplishing. I'm looking forward to the day when I can connect the knowledge that I have stored up inside me with the agility to process... which I hope will resort in added wisdom.

It's been a week now since I started taking my new depression medication. I actually have begun to feel somewhat "normal"...if that's even a catagory. My emotions feel less "intense" and I am actually feeling more able of handling everyday occurances, like school, or feeding myself, or smiling. It's not as much of an effort to smile, and it's actually sincere. I mean, I still have bad days where I just want to sleep the day away, and there are still days when I don't want to eat...(today's one of those days)...but I'm not at the place I was a week or so ago, where I just laid on the floor and cried. I'm still seeking, but I'm not at that point of desperateness that wanted an immidiate fix.

The best way for me to describe things sometimes are in word pictures, because there are time when words just won't do very well. To explain how I've felt for so long...it's like this:
In heart I am a long distance runner...but I have felt for most of my life that my heart and my legs don't have the same plan. That the training I have doesn't allow me to go long-term, only short-term...maybe because that's what I've learned. So much of the patterns from my homelife have only enabled me to process quickly but for the momen...like for a dash, not a marithon. I hope that God will continue to grow me, so that I CAN run the race for Him with more endurance and devotion. Also, another way I could discribe it is like this: I feel like I keep trying to ride this horse that God has given me, but when I say "GO...yah...giddy up...", it just stands there, unwilling to move. I become extremely frustrated (with the horse, and then with myself), because I know where I want to go...but my commands mean nothing to the horse! Then people look at me (or rather, I get self-conscience) and wonder what my problem is, why I cannot get my horse to walk, run...or even MOVE! That makes me feel very incapable of anything, to be honest. I really look forward to having some answers, to knowing more about me...hopefully be able to understand why the horse won't go, and why I can't run the distance.

Thank you for the continued prayers! Please remember the AIM group, as we prepare to head to Mexcio City (Mexico) this Thursday for a week of culture and experience. There will hopefully be a lot of changed hearts (and lives), because the Lord will be involved (as he always is)! :)