Because of His Amazing Love!

I realized something about myself yesterday...and that is, that I don't really understand the Cross! That may be a shocker to some of you who will read this. That I can be a student of God's Word, one who has gone to the field, and who desires to live a life that reflects the love seen in Christ. But, it's true. Now... I understand the "ins and outs" of why Jesus came to earth, why he lived as he did, why he died, and why he rose again! The "bible school" answer, some might say. But, I must admit that it still has a hard time penetrating my heart some days. The more I study the "whys", the better I understand it though! The more I'm convicted of my own (daily) need for the Blood, and for it's cleansing power. It's ability to cover it all!

I'm not perfect...(*gasp!*)...really and truly! I'll be the first to admit that fact! I'm so far from it, actually. But, IN Him, I'm made perfect...because of His amazing life and sacrificial love that sent Him to the Cross. I may not understand it, in logical "human" terms. (Some days I really hate having a small brain!) I don't get how the God of the Universe, all we see (and that which we don't), wants to have a relationship with me...a fallible creature, with a heart that wavers. I often get things "wrong" and can't commit as faithfully as He can--I can't even make up my mind as to what I want some days! But, He's so faithful and patient...something I will never understand! How can He love me SO much!? So much so that He chose to take responsibility for the sins that I've done (past, present, & future)!?? That doesn't make sense to this girl who usually only knows how to "earn" favor...not accept it without payment. God's grace and mercy doesn't make sense, because compared to His holiness, I am nothing. Nothing, yet everything! Everything, because God said I am, in Jesus!

As I continue to discover myself (this 23 year old girl)... the more I have realized the stark amount of faulty thinking that I've allowed in my life, or have just picked up on the journey. I've realized a lot of the lies in my life! They have been pointed out from reading God's Word, and from reading two particularly good books-- 1) Changes that Heal (Dr. Cloud), and 2) Habits of the Mind (Dr. Hart). Both have helped for me to realize unhealthy patterns of thinking and being, and have helped me to become more aware of why I act the way I do & say the things I do! It's so very hard to first become aware of imperfections... but then, secondly, do deal with them! Working through things that have been such a part of my person (especially the characteristics I hate) has been a real task & a half! :)

I'm so grateful that God doesn't give up on me! Even though there are some days that my heart feels like He should ban me from Himself, I'm overjoyed that He doesn't! I may never fully grasp why He loves me so dearly...but I wouldn't ask for it to be any other way! In all honesty, I would die if I lost Him or if He left me. But, I'm so glad I don't have to think about that! Because not only does He care about my overall welfare (mainly spiritual), but He has already set up for me (and the rest of the world) to be saved from eternal separation from Him and pain! What an amazing gift, indeed!!! All He asks of me is a heart fully committed to following Him... through the easy and the difficult days. I know I won't always be perfect at it...but I'm thankful that Jesus is! Because through Him I'm made perfect!

Friday Feelings

Here I am again...sitting down to write a few thoughts before I get to doing "other things". I have some homework to get done...a paper for a class (Sacrificial Systems), over The Red Heifer & The Passover. I would also like to maybe organize my "world" a bit. I always want to do other things, like write letters or sit and do "nothing" ...blogging kinda helps with both worlds. Plus, I get to listen to ITunes in the process, so that's fun! You have to find little things to bring you joy when you study most of the time (or are consumed with other "priorities" in life). Besides... finding little things to be happy with makes life so much better!

This week I went to see my psychiatrist (for the bizillionth time), and he finally decided to change my medication. I have been having a hard time for a couple months now, but after this last visit he decided that it was probably time to change. The other stuff was just not working as well as it should have been. But, this has been a pretty hard week since then...like an emotional roller-coaster. The first day was the worst, and I was all over the crying chart! I'm better now, and on this new medication I don't have muscle spasms like I did before...so that's awesome. I'm hoping that it will work better for me, after it's worked into my body a little bit. Please be praying about all the adjustments with this. To be honest, I have felt somewhat more "normal" since changing...more like myself, which is great!

Alex and I are doing well. It's been neat being Co-AIM Assistants at the Sudan Congregation this year! We are enjoying our AIMers and being able to work together. Our relationship is growing too...and we are being able to work out issues that come up, just those that come from being together and around each other. I have grown in so much love and appreicate of him...not just as a person, but as a brother in the Lord! I love watching him live life, seeing him grow, and learning from him how to be a better person--he really challenges me! I hope that's always the case, on both sides. In being in this relationship with Alex, God has shown me so many areas that I'm not as "mature" as I thought...and has helped to challenge my own ideas toward life and myself (in a very healthy way). It's interesting that as you truly learn to love another person like Christ would love them, it makes you evaluate your own walk with Him! I love that! :)

Well, that's all from me...for now. I hope you are doing well (whoever reads this), and that God is keeping your heart at peace through all the uncertainty of life! Jesus is the only (One) thing that we can truly trust.