Thoughts from the Heart of Jessica

A Year Later -- Remembring Grammy

2009-03-28T10:40:00.002-05:00

In some ways it's hard for me to believe that it has been a whole year already since my Grandma died. Friday, March 28th--12:30am. I can still remember the week leading up to that night when I came into the living room and my aunt Lani told me that she was gone. I still remember the sinking feeling that I got, and the bravery I felt that I needed to maintain in order to tell everyone else in the house that she was gone. I remember the madness that seemed to come from that moment on. Supposedly there is suppose to be peace, and in a since there was...but really, it was just more stress. I remember going to sleep as soon as my Uncle Andy and Aunt Robin got to the house, exhausted. When I woke up, I jumped into gear preparing for the memorial service which would be on Sunday. I was so thankful for Alex being there! He helped me with the memorial slide-show, while I got the poster board together. It was good to have another pair of hands. My family was really greif-stricken, and so I felt so blessed to have him available to help me...and he has a huge help! I will never be able to repay him for that week he spent there with my family and me. I guess I'll just have to marry him! :)

It's been a whole year since then, yet I still miss her terribly! Whenever I hear the Chris Rice's song "untitled", I cry...because it was in her service. The songs that I sang to her that night she died still touch my heart when I sing them in church with my brothers and sisters. Whenever I see the color orange or wear it (which is rarely), I think of her. Whenever I pick up a pen and card to write someone, I think of her...even when I put the stamp on it! Whenever I hear the Gather's Vocal Band singing, or see a British Comedy on PBS...I think of her. She is in so much of my person, and God used her to grow so much of who I am. I am grateful for all the good things that were placed within my heart because of her: A love for Missions, a love for Singing, a love for encouraging people, a love for writing, a love adventure, and so much more! I am indebted to her, and so I hope that in seeking to honor her I can pass on the love and good things that she poured into me into others!

108 Days

2009-02-18T15:29:00.002-06:00

I have been staring at my blogger tab at the top of my browser for far too long, contemplating if I should write a blog or not. I have (up until today) said, "No, I won't write today." But, today, I am breaking down and writing something!

This is awesome...so I have to share!

...I will be getting married in only 108 days!

Can you believe it!? Neither can I, really...because I never really thought I would ever get married! Not that I didn't believe God had someone out there for me...I know that God can do things that seem impossible to us at the time. And yet again, He does the impossible in my life! First of all, He send his son to save me...and now, he has sent me a wonderful, Godly man to live out the rest of my life with! How much more can a girl ask for!? Nothing more than what He can give. And I pray that I will live a life worthy of both those gifts!

Thanks for reading this short blog. Comment if you so desire... Know that I love you!

What does love have to do with it???

2008-11-13T23:10:00.002-06:00

EVERYTHING!!!

This is what I have concluded in my personal time.

Love has everything to do with everything!

Especially when you are trying to work things out with someone who is (really and truly) different from you in so many ways!

Let me explain myself somewhat:

I have been working on my ability to love. Not just love people from how I would like to be loved, but from their point of view too. This has actually manifested itself strongly in my relationship with Alex, my dearest...whom I'm engagaed to! As much as I love him, and how I want to work things out with him, I simply don't understand the man some days! I really (for the most part) see things from my viewpoint, and then work from there... and it is really, really difficult to separate myself from myself (if that makes sense). But, in order to truly love him, and honor him, and respect his place in my life...I have GOT to change how I view some things! I have to work on how I relate, how I communicate, and ultimately how I love.

This reminds me of Paul...the Apostle of Christ. He had to change his viewpoints, several times, in order to become the man that he knew God wanted (and needed) him to be! Not only initially...when Christ came to him on the road to Damascus. He also needed to daily renew his mindset on things that would benefit his own way of "doing" and "being". If he had just let himself be Paul, the human, he wouldn't have gotten very far...(I know this, because I know me). I'm realizing just how tough it is to DIE to yourself, and what it means to actually rely on God's strength. Not that I know what that perfectly looks like...oh my, goodness no! But, I have been smacked upside my spiritual head with this concept a lot recently...which is...

What it truly means to LOVE!!!

(P.s. I will accept comments or encouragement at any time, regarding this subject....)

Oh my...Realizations.

2008-11-02T17:13:00.004-06:00

I guess I never really realized how much being in a "relationship" changes you. Not that I was unaware of oblivious to the fact that people DO change when they are around someone constantly. We do change...whether it's for the better or for worse, we're always going a direction. But, I have come to see that it takes a lot of work. Not just to grow and change yourself...but to grow in the midst of another person's environment. And to help them grow as well...because you are not an island unto yourself. This may sound silly...but in order to truly LOVE that other person, you have GOT to do some changing! It's crazy how you grow and change and adapt when you are working to live with this person for the rest of your life!

I have said and done some pretty hurtful things, and some good things (of course)...but I wish I could take back the hurtful things. It's always so surprising to me the capability we humans have to either produce growth in someone, or take it away. Yes, we may give another person the "right" to ultimately affect us (for life, or not). But, we do hurt each other! I hate this aspect of the "fall". I know that I break God's heart too when I hurt someone or degrade them in some way...because that other person is part of Him, and a very beautiful creation!

I want to do better! I'm seeking to do better. I'm trying to grow myself and and push myself to be more like Jesus. I don't want to do things without knowledge...and I think sometimes I do things without "knowing" I have done them. Like, I will react a certain way because of something that happened SO MANY years ago...and yet it causes a reaction in me that is so strong! Almost like I have been "re-hurt"...and I act from that hurt. I just keep praying and asking God to heal and grow me from the place I am...to bring all the fractions of my personality under His reign.

Whoever reads this...thanks for taking the time to read, you didn't have to! :) It's nice to just be able to type and feel like it's going out into the "wild blue yonder."

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

2008-10-04T12:53:00.002-05:00

Today is one of those days that you wouldn't trade for anything! The sun is out, the weather is perfect, you wake up on the "right side of the bed"...you begin your day with pancakes and scrambled eggs, you eat them with friends (Jennie and Cairen and Pamela), you take a lov ely shower in which makes you feel all soft and clean, you talk about life and field experiences (making each other feel better and more "normal"), and you sit on your bed and revel in God's amazingness as you do your homework for Bible school! How much better can a morning get!? And the greatest thing is that this day isn't over yet! There is still much more to be learned and lived, and today (for the first time in many weeks) I'm excited about living this day through. "Thank you, LORD!!!"

It's been a few rough weeks...
My doctor has changed my medication again, on monday. The other stuff (Cymbalta) wasn't working into my body the way he had thought it would. So far my body has responded the opposit of what he was expecting...sadly. Therefore, we just keep trying stuff to see if it will work. After I am wined off of this stuff (this week), I will begin this new 5 stage stuff...which works itself up from 25mg. to 100mg. Will see how that goes. I've tried to be optimistic about the whole process...but I must admit that I've become frustrated. I keep asking certain people in my life for encouragement and advice, and they have been very helpful...at least comforting. I hope that I will be able to get to a place where things are stable, so that I can feel "normal" (whatever that is!?). :)

I love you all, think of you often...and ask the Lord to bless you continually!

Because of His Amazing Love!

2008-09-23T05:17:00.003-05:00

I realized something about myself yesterday...and that is, that I don't really understand the Cross! That may be a shocker to some of you who will read this. That I can be a student of God's Word, one who has gone to the field, and who desires to live a life that reflects the love seen in Christ. But, it's true. Now... I understand the "ins and outs" of why Jesus came to earth, why he lived as he did, why he died, and why he rose again! The "bible school" answer, some might say. But, I must admit that it still has a hard time penetrating my heart some days. The more I study the "whys", the better I understand it though! The more I'm convicted of my own (daily) need for the Blood, and for it's cleansing power. It's ability to cover it all!

I'm not perfect...(*gasp!*)...really and truly! I'll be the first to admit that fact! I'm so far from it, actually. But, IN Him, I'm made perfect...because of His amazing life and sacrificial love that sent Him to the Cross. I may not understand it, in logical "human" terms. (Some days I really hate having a small brain!) I don't get how the God of the Universe, all we see (and that which we don't), wants to have a relationship with me...a fallible creature, with a heart that wavers. I often get things "wrong" and can't commit as faithfully as He can--I can't even make up my mind as to what I want some days! But, He's so faithful and patient...something I will never understand! How can He love me SO much!? So much so that He chose to take responsibility for the sins that I've done (past, present, & future)!?? That doesn't make sense to this girl who usually only knows how to "earn" favor...not accept it without payment. God's grace and mercy doesn't make sense, because compared to His holiness, I am nothing. Nothing, yet everything! Everything, because God said I am, in Jesus!

As I continue to discover myself (this 23 year old girl)... the more I have realized the stark amount of faulty thinking that I've allowed in my life, or have just picked up on the journey. I've realized a lot of the lies in my life! They have been pointed out from reading God's Word, and from reading two particularly good books-- 1) Changes that Heal (Dr. Cloud), and 2) Habits of the Mind (Dr. Hart). Both have helped for me to realize unhealthy patterns of thinking and being, and have helped me to become more aware of why I act the way I do & say the things I do! It's so very hard to first become aware of imperfections... but then, secondly, do deal with them! Working through things that have been such a part of my person (especially the characteristics I hate) has been a real task & a half! :)

I'm so grateful that God doesn't give up on me! Even though there are some days that my heart feels like He should ban me from Himself, I'm overjoyed that He doesn't! I may never fully grasp why He loves me so dearly...but I wouldn't ask for it to be any other way! In all honesty, I would die if I lost Him or if He left me. But, I'm so glad I don't have to think about that! Because not only does He care about my overall welfare (mainly spiritual), but He has already set up for me (and the rest of the world) to be saved from eternal separation from Him and pain! What an amazing gift, indeed!!! All He asks of me is a heart fully committed to following Him... through the easy and the difficult days. I know I won't always be perfect at it...but I'm thankful that Jesus is! Because through Him I'm made perfect!

Friday Feelings

2008-09-19T18:16:00.002-05:00

Here I am again...sitting down to write a few thoughts before I get to doing "other things". I have some homework to get done...a paper for a class (Sacrificial Systems), over The Red Heifer & The Passover. I would also like to maybe organize my "world" a bit. I always want to do other things, like write letters or sit and do "nothing" ...blogging kinda helps with both worlds. Plus, I get to listen to ITunes in the process, so that's fun! You have to find little things to bring you joy when you study most of the time (or are consumed with other "priorities" in life). Besides... finding little things to be happy with makes life so much better!

This week I went to see my psychiatrist (for the bizillionth time), and he finally decided to change my medication. I have been having a hard time for a couple months now, but after this last visit he decided that it was probably time to change. The other stuff was just not working as well as it should have been. But, this has been a pretty hard week since then...like an emotional roller-coaster. The first day was the worst, and I was all over the crying chart! I'm better now, and on this new medication I don't have muscle spasms like I did before...so that's awesome. I'm hoping that it will work better for me, after it's worked into my body a little bit. Please be praying about all the adjustments with this. To be honest, I have felt somewhat more "normal" since changing...more like myself, which is great!

Alex and I are doing well. It's been neat being Co-AIM Assistants at the Sudan Congregation this year! We are enjoying our AIMers and being able to work together. Our relationship is growing too...and we are being able to work out issues that come up, just those that come from being together and around each other. I have grown in so much love and appreicate of him...not just as a person, but as a brother in the Lord! I love watching him live life, seeing him grow, and learning from him how to be a better person--he really challenges me! I hope that's always the case, on both sides. In being in this relationship with Alex, God has shown me so many areas that I'm not as "mature" as I thought...and has helped to challenge my own ideas toward life and myself (in a very healthy way). It's interesting that as you truly learn to love another person like Christ would love them, it makes you evaluate your own walk with Him! I love that! :)

Well, that's all from me...for now. I hope you are doing well (whoever reads this), and that God is keeping your heart at peace through all the uncertainty of life! Jesus is the only (One) thing that we can truly trust.

It's Been A While...I know.

2008-08-31T02:18:00.002-05:00

Lots of things have been happening around SIBI, AIM, and my life! SIBI and AIM are normally crazy this time of year, and I suppose that means that I am a bit crazy too. I have been doing my best to get back into the swing of things, balance my world, and in the midst of it all LEARN SOMETHING! :) I have amazing teacher, wonderful friends, and an Incredible God! So, I can't really fail...because there are so many people backing me in this life. I truly am grateful for those whom the Lord has sent my way, to bless and encourage me! He's truly amazing!

This blog is a shorty, because it's pretty last and I need to get to bed. Tomorrow is the AIMers' second Sunday out at Sudan, so I need to be somewhat "wake" for that. We're picking black eyed peas for the older ladies and then will be taken them bags full. This is one of my favorite things all year at Sudan! We need to do more stuff like that within the Church..."Caring for those who are challenged in that area...simply because we love them." That's a biblical example, as far as I can see...from reading God's inspired Word.

Love to you all!
Jessica

WHAT!??...I'm in Level 2...!???

2008-08-17T19:55:00.003-05:00

Another year has begun...
Another class of Sunset and AIMers have arrived...
Another list of assignments for classes have been given...

...And I'm in my second year at SIBI! I'm Level 2!

This is somewhat surprising to me. Not that I didn't think I'd make it this far...(ok, I'll admit it, there were some tough days last year)...but it's just crazy to think that I'm now one of those to whom Level 1 looks at and thinks, "If she can do it, so can I." That's just weird, because I remember those to whom I looked up to in Level 2 last year...and now they're scattered all over the US. Some are even preparing to head to Mission points around the world! And that could be me someday. Maybe not in a year...but probably not too far away. Certainly closer than I think!

Last week was a bit nuts, as it was our first week of school. Everyone got here, tried to settle in, and hit the books...some of us less prepared than we thought we'd be! But we made it through, and I'm sure this week will be a much easier one. I love both new classes (SIBI and AIM), and I can't wait until I know them better! Please be praying for all of the students this year, as well as the staff and instructors at the school, and all they have to put up with--including us! :)

'Changes That Heal'

2008-08-07T10:45:00.002-05:00

Well, I have been reading this book that was suggested to me by my counselor called, 'Changes That Heal...how to understand your past to ensure a healthier future', by Dr. Henry Cloud. In reading it today (the first opportunity in weeks)... I realized that as I read about boundaries, I actually struggle with having them! Now, I didn't realize that this was the case. I actually thought I has ok boundaries...that I knew where I was and how the world around me worked. But, oh my, that is just not the case! I have struggled for a long time with feeling like the lines in my mind were somehow blurred (especially when it came to the feelings of others), and now I think I am getting a glimpse of why that could be!

I have recently been struggling with how I take on other people's emotions, thoughts, and actions, and then make them my own. I have been tested as being extremely high in Mercy Showing...yet, I think I have often thought that I was being merciful and understanding, when in reality I was actually either stepping over their boundaries of what they needed to take care of or allowing them to step over mine!!! Crazy. And I have been doing this for how many years!? What is actually truth, and where are the lines? I feel really taken back now that I know that this happens with me...and I'm not really sure what steps to take next, except for just being aware of them. This way of thinking and being has especially effected my decisions, and every time that happens I feel lost and really out of control....probably because I am!?

So, in light of this realization...I ask for prayers. Because this is just one result of year and years of negative programing, and it's going to take a lot of hard work and prayer to relearn how I should think and act to be healthy. Thank you for praying and loving me! Thanks for reading these thoughts, and for responding at times to encourage me.

Thoughts from Seattle

2008-07-22T11:34:00.003-05:00

It's been good being home with family. Alex and I have been here since last Monday, and have only a week left until we head back to Lubbock... when the school year for AIM and SIBI will start over again at Sunset. This will be my last year in the Women's Program, which is a bit saddening for me. Things like this pass far too quickly! I pray that I will be able to take every opportunity to spend in the company of those I have come to love so dearly, and to put my whole heart into things that I truly value. Last year was extremely challenging for me (as many of you know), and I am praying with everything that's in me that this year will be better. With the Lord's help, it will be!

Something that I have been struggling with is how to integrate my old life with my new life. The two have certainly collided since I've left home--and even more since I have been home this time with Alex. It's hard to have two worlds which don't really seem to correspond as well as I'd hoped. I keep having this urge to "fix" what's wrong...to ease and comfort. But, even with my best attempts, I can't...and I just get caught in the middle of it all (which is a very uncomfortable position to be). I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place...loving both worlds, and wanting to somehow make both feel accepted. But even though I accept them...I cannot make peace between them, that must be done by them. That's hard for me to deal with when it feels like I need to do something. I hate watching people struggle--and I know that that's where I need to be the most careful, because I can become an enabler and someone who actually will do more damage (especially to myself) by trying to work everything out with minimal "damage" caused.

Something that I have been learning about myself is that I tend to get in the "middle" of just about everything!!! One day in Lubbock (before Alex and I left for here), an apartment door had been left open in my complex (someone had moved out and left it that way). I had the greatest urge to just close the door until I could call the office on Monday (it was a weekend). Alex wouldn't let me, because it wasn't my property. It just tugged and tugged at me, because I hated that all that electricity was being wasted. I did call them to let them know, but it was the hardest thing for me to just leave it until they came around to closing it!! I have the worst problem with feeling responsible for everything. Like this deep need to make things perfect for everyone around me...all the time! Go, go, go...do,do,do!!! Like as if I have a green-thumb of healing and beauty that can transform worlds of hurt into beautiful places to dwell. That's what I want (ultimately), but often it's not my job to do the cultivating. That's just hard for me to deal with sometimes...because for most of my life it has been impressed upon me to do just that!

How do you change your thinking??? How do you undo and redo what has always been???
I seem to often feel lost in the maze of myself. I don't really know how to reconcile my past, accept it, and let it be...all while I am trying to grow and become new in Christ. It's really challenging! I ask for prayers, because sometimes I get stuck within myself and don't know what direction to take next. That's where I've been this last month...especially these last couple weeks. Being faced with the future and its possibilities causes me to really contemplate the past. Which can be a good thing...but it can also be a very confusing thing.

I need the Lord...I just do!

Summer Sentimentals

2008-06-27T10:39:00.003-05:00

Since the beginning of what was actually considered "Summer Break", I have felt this present sense of lacking. Maybe it's because I am still in Lubbock (and everyone else isn't, except for a few)...but I really think it may be more than that. As some of you readers may know (really, only 2 of you read this probably)...I have struggled with healing from certain aspects of my growing up years, with the help of a counselor. Well, things with that have been going well. But as I continue, I have found that my emotions are more like skin that has been peeled back and left raw for a time. All the nerves are exposed, and I am in pain...and driven to high emotions and tears! That is how I am right now, about so many things...almost as if I cannot deal with even the little things without them bringing up some thought of the past. I feel like my mind needs to go on vacation with my heart...to the beautiful island of NoWhere! :) In fact, I seem to be taking so many things personally...almost as if I feel people can tell how uncomfortable I feel within my own skin. Even though most people with whom I have contact in a day can't see into my heart...I feel like it shows on my face (which I've been told is very possible with me).

In the last week, I have been finishing up my job working for Cyd (the rent house owner). Today I will (hopefully) get all the cleaning accomplished, and be done! Then the next 3 days of my life will be consumed with trying to pack and clean my own world and move out of my apartment by the 1st of July. We have decided (as an apartment) for me to do that, so that we can get half rent for this month. Ashley (our friend in the complex, from Sunset) has given me permission to live with her for the two weeks until Alex and I leave for our trip to Seattle. Her letting me stay is such a blessing! Last night I had a huge "cry session", and that's when she came over to tell me that I could stay with her. I'm sure that I looked all red-eyed and wiped out...but she was very sweet and understanding, which I appreciated. Alex has also tried his best to be understanding as well, and to comfort me with words and love. I have just felt so far out of my comfort zone with all the change that I'm trying to accomplish right now, and with the changes that are happening inside my heart and mind. I know God is at the center of it all, working His wonderful healing and transformation...but it's still hard. I'm just so thankful that He has placed so many amazing people in my life...to be there for me through this process, so that I'm not "alone". He is so good!

Summer Events

2008-06-14T10:41:00.002-05:00

This Summer has been busy, yet not too crazy...yet! God blessed me with this excellent job...painting for a lady who owns several rent houses. It's been awesome getting to know her and spending some time getting out emotions through painting stationary objects! It's really soothing for me to paint methodically, I've realized. I'm also being able to save what I make through this job for my trip to go see my family this summer, which is a huge blessing. I'm extremely grateful to God for providing for me so perfectly.

Alex is here now...which has been awesome! He got here almost 2 weeks ago now. It's been an interesting transition, seeing as we really haven't been around each other for over a year. He, being in France still...and me, being here (having left France a year before). But, now we're both back, and will both be at SIBI. Since we are both each others' "1sts", this is a whole new world. I really have been enjoying getting to know him better (than over the phone or through emails)... and in an actual, close, everyday setting! We're both learning new things about each other: how we react to things, how we "do" things, emotional levels at different times, etc. I suppose this is normal for any "couple", but it's a part of our relationship that we really haven't ever had. So, it's been interesting (like I said). ;) Please keep us in your prayers, as we seek to do things in a Godly manner and what's best for us under Him.

Since SIBI ended for the year, I have been going from house to house...helping those who have just graduated from Sunset move out from their house to where they will be heading for ministry. I love helping people move...even though it can be such an emotional time. I'd rather be there for them at that time though, than not. It's hard to see people whom you've come to love SO deeply move off to places (some times) "unknown"...but that's a part of this program! You come, learn, grow, live, love...and then God sends you off...with experiences, new things learned, new friendships in Him, and a new focus in life. I love what we go through here, as disciples of Christ...but it also can be a challenge (all around)! I'm mainly just thankful for this place that so many of us have come to appreciate and hold dear to our hearts.

So, that's my summer (so far)...I'm just working, growing, sharing, and loving!

I don't get me...

2008-06-09T12:36:00.002-05:00

I have heard people say, "I don't get me some days!" But, for me right now, it's more like... "I don't get me some weeks", or "I don't get me some months!"

I feel like a BIG BALL of EMOTION right now...with LOTS of facets and things that I just CANNOT explain to myself, or anyone else for that matter!

People are leaving, or have left the Lubbock area...some for the summer, some for ever. But others have come, or are coming. I just don't think I'm dealing with all the change so well.

And then there's the change of "me"...the hard work that I have been doing to TRY and be open and honest with myself, most of which is either painful or hard to make sense of. You top that off with all the "losses" I feel right now, and what you get is a Jessica who would rather stay in bed than deal with the world around her!

I feel like I am having to cut away so many parts of myself, and then add others...and not having a single helpful "guide" in which to do that accurately! I really feel rather lost at the moment, and I don't feel like anyone around me right now REALLY understands. I don't even feel like this blogsite is "safe" anymore! I feel really judged at the moment, and so I fear putting my emotions and my thoughts online...thinking that someone will deny them or say that I shouldn't be as "unbalanced" as I am appearing.

Personally, I hate feeling unbalanced! I actually don't like being "confusing"....but right now, that's how it is! I don't understand some places of my heart and mind that are being touched and examined, and when you push too hard on one spot I FLIP! And I react in a way that's more like a hurt animal than a logical, rashional human being...and I don't even know why I do that!!! Which is extremely annoying!

I wish some days that I couldn't feel emotion. That I didn't react. That I just was...and nothing bothered me. That people could do whatever they wanted around me, and I wouldn't feel anothing about it or care. This would help for when people go away, or when there are differences of opinion, or when someone does or says something that hurts you. I'm sure I would begin to resent this if it were true, if I could be this way...but it would still be nice right now.

Thoughts, After a Beautiful Weekend

2008-05-26T21:36:00.003-05:00

This last weekend was incredible!

On Thursday I was able to be a part of the annual "Ladies Salad Supper". I got to head the decoration committee--and the ladies, and guys, who came to help set up from lunch to 3pm that day did a great job! We got it all done, so that we had a little time in between to get ready for the evening's event. For those of you who don't know what Salad Supper is...this is a time when Level 1 ladies honor the Level 2 ladies who are graduating. We also honor those who had their hands in helping the year go smoothly. It's a really neat tradiation, and it is a wonderful time of fellowship and of "giving honor to whom honor's due."

On Friday, I had class with Gerald Paden (Letters of John). Then I went home for a bit, took a pette nap... then called Dawna Gilbert, and asked her about helping her set up for the Senior Dinner (for the graduates) that evening. We concluded that she would be at LCU's Baker Center around 3:30...so that's what we did. That evening was wonderful. The graduates got "pinned" with their SIBI pins, and Charles Speer spoke over being "Blessed to Serve" (which we truly are!). I got to sit at Dennis and Sharon's table, and everyone was together...over 230 people joined us there...which was awesome!

Saturday morning was the anticipated day of Graduation for the 2008 Sunset Class! I was so excited, and (of course) so were they. I walked in "on time" and found them all lined up in the west enterence, waiting to walk in. Dennis waved for me to come over, gave me a hug, and told me to pray for him because he was nervous. I smiled and told him I already have, and would. I got to hug several others, take bibles and purses from others, and went to find my seat to sit down. I took lots of pictures, which are now on Facebook! :) It was neat to see them walk across the stage, knowing that they were about to head out from this place to "Preach the Word" and continue to live their life for Christ... but, like never before.

God was in all of today...

...I know that sounds somewhat cliche, but it was true!

I started off my week (yesterday, Sunday) going to worship with the congregation at Sunset. I sat with my "parents", Dennis and Sharon Welch and listened to Jay Jarboe give a wonderful lesson on "Generations". His son, Ryan, spoke with him (they tag-teamed it)...he's just graduated high school. After that was class, and "Papa" (Dennis) spoke over the books of Jonah and Nahum. Very good class. After that, I took lunch to the Palmer's house. They just graduated with the 2008 Class...and are headed (now) back to Washington State to work with the congregations up there. But yesterday (after we ate lunch) we packed up the stuff in their house (Dennis and Sharon were there by that time), and then packed the truck so they could leave today. We went to dinner with them, their kids, and their parents.

Now we're at today...the wonderful day!
We moved around some furniture--Gibby Gilbert came to help us and brought us our new kitchen table. After cleaning up some, I went to Walmart...to get stuff for our dinner this evening...with Gerald and Bobbie Paden! :) We also invited Geoff Banks from level one. It was neat to have us all together in one place. We had a good time together!

So, that was my day! Now I have to go study for a test tomorrow, given by Doyle Gilliam... over Philippians. Finals this week! Pray for me.

Emo Day, Emo Emotions...

2008-05-15T19:45:00.002-05:00

I've decided to write a blog of MUCH expression and inner emotion...

...Now, this blog is not directed to any person, and I don't want anyone to take offense to it (whomever may read this and think I could be directing this to them...I'm NOT)...

...I just need to share some thoughts and some feelings!

I'm so mad and frustrated right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No...I'm not a little mad, the kind of mad that you can just get over with a few deep breaths or a cup of "quiet time" tea and a bath! Oh, no...this is the kind of mad that makes all the muscles in your body from the waist upward tense from more stress than you can contain! The kind of frustration that makes one consider putting their fist through a window, or eat a whole chocolate cake in one sitting (maybe that last one is depression..lol)!!!

The reason why I'm so angry and frustrated....

...I don't know what some people want from me! I just feel like throwing myself off a 2 story building some days! How can I be what is asked of me??? How can I compare to someone who's kept in a mind??? I just want to be me, ok!? I want to live life, I want to share it with people, i want to feel like I can direct my life under God without condemnation...and I'm feeling really condemned right now...and JUDGED!!! Nearly for no reason! At least I can't see why I'm put in this little box you try to fit me into!! It poses so many crazy questions in my head, and makes me doubt who I am...that I am even worth anything! My self-esteem goes out the window, and I feel like giving up who I am to be who you want me to be! But, if I were to do that...would you really get what you want??? Or do you think maybe I wouldn't be who you want me to be anyway??? If I gave up myself, what good do you think it would do??? I can't see it doing any good anymore...I just want to be who Jesus has called me to be, who I am happy becoming in Him, from what I see the Bible calling me to be! That's all I want. Is that too hard to ask of anyone!? I feel like it's the biggest request on earth to you!!!

That's all I have to say.

Thanks for reading.... (I know it doesn't make much sense, but that's ok).

Rescue Me

2008-05-14T16:29:00.004-05:00

This song represents much of my heart right now... the struggle to survive with what I have, the struggle to let God be what I need...to let Him heal me. Because, to be honest...I've tried for a long time to do it on my own...and that doesn't work so well. Because, just like a vine away from the branch--I die without Him!

Rescue Me--by: Krystal Meyers

Swallowing this hurt

Making it lie down

I'm my strongest ally,

living life as I know how

I'm carrying the weight of a world that sold me out

I'm running with my eyes closed

Hoping you don't see this doubt

I'm lost for words

I'm at a loss to tell you what I need

I know there's something moreGod,

help me to believe

[Chorus:]

And all this time

I thought the fight

The fight was only mine

I need to let you rescue me

I'm taking fire

I'm feeling tired

I'm tired of this fight

I need to let you rescue me

I let it go to breathe

I can't take it anymore

I refuse to wake up one more time bleeding on the floor

I won't let myself hold back
I'll surrender what's inside

You become my healing tourniquet

So I can feel alive

I feel so exposed

I'm afraid to lose total control

With nothing left to hold

You reach for me and wouldn't let me go

[Chorus:] [2x]

And all this time

I thought the fight

The fight was only mine

I need to let you rescue me

I'm taking fire

I'm feeling tired

I'm tired of this fight

I need to let you rescue me

Because...just because...

2008-05-03T12:07:00.003-05:00

So, someone told me that I needed to write a new blog...so that he could read it. I agreed, so here I am writing a blog about whatever comes to mind!!! I have nothing particular that I feel "compelled" to write about...but I'm sure I can come up with something, because I'm pretty good about writing about nothing. LOL!!!

I've been having better days! God has really been blessing me with peace of heart, and with a stable mindset in a lot of areas of my life. I reconnected with a family member whom I felt was lost to me. I have lost a grandma I loved, but have the security of knowing that she is safe in the arms of the Lord and that I will see her again. I am in a relationship with a boy who loves me, and who is dedicated to serving the Lord! I love where I am, here in Lubbock, at SIBI, learning about how to love God with deeper passion. I have a whole mess of people around me whom care about my well-being, and who push me to grow in myself! I have been seeing a counselor here, and I am learning more about how I deal with things...been able to put some names to actions, and that has freed me a ton! I'm in a better place, dealing with depression....I have ups and downs, some days better than others...but I think right now I am ok. I've been trying to confront areas in my heart that are more concentrated by "heavy clouds"...not focusing all my time on them, but certainly not being afraid to be honest when those things arise. God has been blessing me in confronting what I need to, and giving me the grace that I need for myself.

This month of May is going to be a full one...I can already see that, and we're only 3 days into it! I went yesterday and applied at a couple places for jobs in retail. I've applied at New York 'n Company & JCPenneys in Lubbock. So, we'll see what happens. I will try again next week, looking for places, if I don't get any hits. :) It would be nice to have a job for the summer. I would enjoy working to earn some money of my own. I appreciate my supporters SO MUCH, and without them I wouldn't be where I am today! But I also know that there will be things that'll come up in the near future which I might need a little extra money for...so, it would be nice if I could pay for those things myself. I love being able to do that.

May will also bring with it...SIBI Graduation for the 2008 Class. I have come to know and love so many of these people, so my heart is saddened at the thought that they won't be here anymore. But, I'm overjoyed for them...as they will be leaving for different ministries, countries, and works that the Lord has already prepared in advance for them! That's what this school is all about anyway-- training workers for the Kingdom. The Message is not for us alone...we are told to share it, and that's just what this class is about to go out and do! How exciting is that!?

The sun has been out in force lately...Lubbock has been bright and beautiful. The green of this place is coming back, which is encouraging. I have really felt better with that being the case, and I'm very thankful to the Lord for the good weather we've had. Although, this whole area could use the rain...and plenty of it. So, we're all praying, *Send your rain, Lord!!!*

That's all for now, from me. I feel like I have run out of thoughts, or rather, things to share. But, I hope whoever reads this enjoys the random tidbits of my mind. :)

Love you all lots!!! Miss you, too (even if it's only been a couple days)!!!

The Reading of Job--and My Thoughts

2008-04-28T12:37:00.004-05:00

Um, a lot of thoughts have come to my head over the last several days. A lot of events have taken place over the last month, and even this last week has been an emotional roller-coaster! It's not bad to have weeks like this...and I am certainly accustom to them. In fact week like the one I just had can be a blessing, if you view them as such! But, often we (or rather, I) tend to view them as something to be "fixed" or "corrected".

How does one really deal with a situation in life that cannot be managed by our hand!? That is a giant concept...especially for me...being one who wishes she could control her mini-universe like a Genie! (*Just being honest*)

God has a lot of work to do on me...I'm beginning to really see that for myself. Not that I didn't "know" that before-- but it's now becoming an ok thing for me to accept. Boy, I have certainly resisted at different times!!! Being "in control" is really fun...not knowing where you're going, well, that's an aspect that has to deal with faith! My faith meter has certainly been tested this last year or two...much more than ever before.

Right now, I am in the process of reading the book of Job. Not a new book for me, as I have read it a couple other times. But, this time I am relating to it far more than ever before! I definitely feel like Job right now...or have, within the last year. I have said some of the things he has, and have had friends who meant well but really made me struggle worse by their words. Now, don't any of you doubt that you are one of those "friends"...it's easy for any of us, when we want to "do" something can try to fix what isn't ours to fix. I believe this is what Job's friends were trying to do...and I have certainly learned some valuable lessons from this book today. How just "sitting quietly, with arms of embrace" or "sharing from God words of truth" are some of the best things we can ever do for a hurting friend. May our words never be brought from presumption of why that one we love is where they are. God is doing far more than we could ever comprehend!

Another thought of mine comes from one of my current classes at Sunset: Letters of John, with Gerald Paden. We are going over the book of 1 John right now, and it has been a real "eye opening" experience for me. Not only to be in class with Gerald, but to actually SEE into the heart of God. The apostle John was a good "lover" of people. All his books were written in love, with their message being about how we are ought to love one another deeply, from the heart. I have always loved the way that John places emphasis on love, but also, Gerald has helped to show me (and many more) what God's love truly looks like! I have always struggled with God loving me. I have always been so grateful for it, and for His presence in my life. But, I have never been able to really accept His love...to my detriment! I've also have struggled with what it truly means to love Him! Because I feel so unworthy to actually be able to. But, being in this class has not only given be a better grasp on that...it has also given me a better lens in which to view Him through, and to view the world He's given me to live in for the mean time!

Some passages from 1 John that have impacted me:

"Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him....The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." (2:15, 17)
"Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life in Him. This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers....Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." (3:15-16, 18)
"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like Him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." (4:16-18)

Pictures from Maxie Park--A Day with Pamela!

2008-04-27T23:15:00.002-05:00

Is this me!?

2008-04-23T12:41:00.003-05:00

I don't know what to write anymore! Maybe that's because I don't know what to think anymore... I take some time for contemplation and nothing makes sense in this brain of mine. Very annoying and frustrating... especially for someone like me, who likes to figure out things for herself and do things "right". I feel some days that I don't even know what "right" is anymore. I'm not taking about what's right in God's eyes...but what's right in my own! Maybe that doesn't matter??? I know...some times I think too much...I think about the wrong things...I analyze things to death. But, I don't know what else to do!!! It's something I've done for so long.

Since I've been dealing with depression, with each passing year, I have thought much of who I was had gone away. And to be honest, I think that's the truth...I think much of my "old self" is gone...whether that be a good thing or not. I believe now, today, that God is keeping me in the fire a little longer than I thought he ever would. I've never gotten it, I've had moments when I was angry at Him, moments when I fought what He might try to do with me. Even to the point where I hated myself, and ran back to Him. (I've always been horrible about hurting people...especially my Father, God!) What I'm trying to express, I guess, is that I am in a place where I'm once again dealing with far too many things that I can't understand with this simple mind I have! I just don't "get" things right now. Maybe that's ok... but it bothers the stuffin's out of me!!!

I want to believe that He is doing something I cannot see, something grand, something that has to be nothing I can do...something beyond my strength and ability. But, I'm scared too...because that means that I will have to trust Him with the faith of Abraham....and I'm not very good at that, which I hate to admit. This isn't the "me" I ever envisioned!!! Where I am right now, in this dark and deep place in depression and without a grasp on what's going on...I never wanted to be here! I imagined myself in a totally different place than where I am at the moment. I imagined being this powerfully impactful AIM assistant, and a focused, passionate student at Sunset. Where in reality, my heart still fights for that "me"...but most days I have to fight to get myself to a place where I am dressed, and in the car, on my way to wherever it is that I'm going. This is NOT the existence that I had envisioned for this time in my life. But, I'm not in control. I got that message!!! That's a hard thing to swallow, ok!?

I keep pushing myself though~ and people know it! ...Well, the people that know me the best. They can see me on my good days, when I feel like I can take on the world...and on the horrible days, when I feel like the world is too much. The hardest thing, though, is feeling like I am hurting them...like I am such a huge burden for them...like I shouldn't open up anymore. Yes, that's the "self-destructive Jessica", who wants to protect people so much that she would even protect them from herself...even if that would mean pushing them away. And that's what makes me want to hide...even when there are people all around me! I'm sure many of you have seen it. I'm not as good of a "hider" as I would like to pretend I am...but it's still my horrible pattern. One that I would like to break! One that needs to be broken!!!....along with so many other destructive mindsets I have clung to for years. I pray (when I have the strength to) that God would help me do that. Some times "I need you" is all I can whisper to Him.

I want to believe what everyone else does of me...
That I am going to make it...that I will come out of the dark...that I will be a dynamic person who is stable and faithful. It's just so hard to believe that right now! Because when they say things to encourage me, like "You'll make it through this!" I just want to laugh...or cry...or run. Because inside I have been fighting for a long time, and I feel like I haven't made any headway! It's like I take a staggered step forward...even 2 sometimes, "woohoo"!!! (and that's HUGE)...but then I take 4 back, in fear...because I get to a place that unfamiliar to me. BUT!!!......someday I WILL believe what others say of me! I hope for that day...I long for that day...not because I want to run myself on their words, of what they see in me. But, because what they say of me is what God sees in me, who He has made me, and who He believes I can be in Him!!! So, I will keep fighting...and I will hang onto Jesus the best I can through the dark places in me--seeking His will to the best of my ability, even if I stumble (which I have, and will)... but, I know (now) that he is there to help me up, because he's walking this road with me!

Thank you, my dear friends and Family in Christ...thank you for loving me beyond myself, and in spite of myself most days! You do more for me than you even realize.

Pictures from Seattle

2008-04-20T18:08:00.002-05:00

"Give Your Troubles To GOD..."

2008-04-19T22:28:00.003-05:00

I haven't written on this bloggy of mine for 10 days now...
...quite a feat, considering that I was blogging everyday there for a while!

To be perfectly honest, I didn't care to blog. Even though I DID think about it, I just didn't have the energy or mental capacity to do so. I've been doing good if I can get basics taken care of each day and my head in the right place to function like a human! Those thing have been a challenge this last month...but each day presents new areas to grow, and also the opportunity to allow myself the room to grow. Not being in the "place" I want to be (within myself) is the hardest thing for me to accept! I want to be so much for so many people all the time...and that is something that I've got to figure out how to do better. I "know" a great deal about what will happen if I do "such and such", and I could certainly warn others who might fall into the situations I find myself in...yet, taking my own words and using them on myself (the wisdom I have deep inside) gets a little tricky most days. I pray that God will help me to grow here.

It's almost been a month since grandma died. It will be in a little over a week (9 days). In a lot of ways I haven't wanted to write because I have felt so consumed by "keeping myself busy" and just trying to catch up with what was going on here in Lubbock! When I got back from Washington, I had to throw myself into studies and into being an AIM Assistant again... and that, I truly believe, was all I could handle.

--I've got to say it: "I don't know how to grieve for someone who was so close to me!!!"

There... I said it.

I've gone from pretending that I was ok, to admitting to myself that I'm not...to pretending I was ok for others...to allowing myself to not be...all in this last month. And I still don't know where I am or how to get through it all! I've had some wonderful people come up along side me on this journey and share with me their experiences, and take a hold of my head (so to speak). But I still feel so lost! I don't really want to "do" anything (even though, each day I am becoming a little more better in this area)...and some days I want to ignore anyone who wants to speak in terms of "logic" or "reason"! Some days I'm really angry, and frustrated, and tired, and sad, and annoyed, and impatient, and unwilling, and lonely, and troubled inside...and just watch out, some times it's all at once! And then there's days when I'm calm, and and understanding, and available, and agreeable, and happy, and content, and at peace, and patient, and ok with life. But, the bad days seem to equal (and some weeks overpower) the good right now...and that bothers me, greatly! Because that's not where I want to be! I want to be focused, and in tune with life and in what I'm doing...but I don't feel that way. I feel like hiding when I'm with people, and throwing up my hands in despair most days!

There is a few plaques that loved ones have given me over the last few years...
...I recently put them up on the wall by my bed. I also put up all the cards that were send to me for my birthday and to encourage me. But, I particularly want to share with you a couple plaques...because they help me to stay focused each day. 1) "Before you go to bed, give your troubles to God...He will be up all night anyway." 2) "Greet each day with Thanks." These two, along with the other pictures and saying that touch my heart, help to cultivate the good that the Lord is doing within me...challenging me each day to give to Him what He needs to have of my life (which is everything)!!! Please pray for me, as I stretch and grow in this area... and in not simply taking on everything and trying to "fix" it. God has his timing... and as much as I "know" this, I don't know how to accept that or allow that. I need to understand somethings better...about Him...and that will come with time, and study of His Word.

I want to thank each of you for checking in with me, and for praying for me (and my family) over these last few months. Goodness, it's been hard...and I know most of you understand where we are at this moment...thank you for standing beside us in prayer (and in friendship). Know that every effort you make to help heal our hearts does not go unnoticed, and is appreciated!

Talks with Betty...

2008-04-09T11:31:00.000-05:00

One of the people in this old world I'm most thankful for is Betty Tracy, the current Dean of Women @ SIBI... and before that, worker in the SIBI financial office (where I first came to love her!). This woman knows this little heart of mine so well sometimes, it's ridiculously scary! I went into her office this morning after the last AIM Chapel to talk with her for a "minute". I knew things were on my heart, but I didn't know how to get them from there to out in the open. For several days now I have just wanted to sit and cry with her, and God provided that for me today. She tends to say things that make a difficult situation easier for me to handle, and the Lord uses her to put things in a way that I can grasp my mind around them... so that I can let myself breathe a little more. She has a gift for loving people. Well, something she said today made a lot of sense once it hit my ears...

...I had been wondering why this last week has been so hard for me, why I was feeling so frustrated (along with many other emotions)...

...She said, "Jessica, don't try to fix this!"

What!? Wow...It was like a lightbulb moment for me. Because that's exactly what I have been trying to do, in my "Just Be Ok" syndrome. I want to make myself "ok", to just move on, to be "cheery" for people who are happy to see me back here at school again. But, inside, I'm screaming for space and time to do what I need to in processing the loss of my grandma here on earth. To be honest, I don't know how to do that! So, I'm just trying to control myself. And...well...that's not working too well.

So, please be praying that I can allow myself to feel what I need to...and that I can find a healthy pace in this time of my life. I love each of you, and thank the Lord for you daily!

sadness...in so many ways

2008-04-08T01:00:00.000-05:00

So, I've been very emotional today...
Ok, yes, there are reasons...but it's not very fun right now. Not that being "emotional" is fun, but some days I can handle it...today seems to be one of those days that I just can't pin-point anything for being the reason "why"...and that's annoying.

I'll just share what's on my heart...
...because I got back up out of bed, at 1am, to write something!!! I just need to get it out of my brain and typed out.

I still can't really cry about things, and that's frustrating, because I'm starting to feel sick inside again. When I do cry, it's like I cry two tears and am done! Very strange for me. Usually when I cry, it's at least a little more than that!!! And you would think that after all that I have had to do in the last few weeks, I would be balling my fool head off...but NO! It's more like when the priests were carrying the Ark of the Lord across the Jordan and the waters stopped up river!!

What I'm finding is that I'm just distracting myself. In fact, I'm trying NOT to think...to be honest! Whether I realize it or not, I've looked back over the last several days now, and I think when I want to cry, something in me shuts off, so I won't. The only other time I have ever done this in my life is when my parents were still together (for the second time), we were living with my dad at the time, and I remember feeling angry beyond words....I remember not feeling anything really, I was just numb. I think I'm still numb in a lot of ways about what has just happened over the last month...and in particular, my grandma's death. Could it be denial maybe!??? It's almost like I want to move on and not think about it. Because when I do, what I think about is all the hard times that I went through with her...and it breaks my heart.

You know, people ask me how I am...and I will respond. I respond with "I'm doing ok". Because mentally, I can be "ok"...I can be "ok" for anyone!!! But, no one has really sat me down and asked me hard questions and wrapped me in their arms. I think if someone did that, I would probably break. I think half of me wants that, and the other half of me doesn't...because I am afraid of not being able to make it through this next week of classes and saying "goodbye" to the AIMers (who will be leaving next week). I have really appreciated people who have told me that they have thought of me, prayed for me, and have missed me here in Lubbock. I really do have a wonderful support group down here (for which I'm so grateful for)...but, in a way, I want to hide even from them. They don't want me to, and would probably kick me for even thinking that... but I really want to do nothing right now but sleep. My motivation for going through this week is other people, and the fact that I will get to see and hug them. Also, I really do NOT want to fail my classes this term...so I will fight through my desire to be bed-ridden.

Pray for me...that God will heal my heart a little more everyday, and that I can feel inside what I'm trying to portraying on the outside. I love each of you, and thank the Lord for you!

The sorting process continues...

2008-04-01T15:35:00.000-05:00

I'm currently wanting to write something...just pour onto this page...but for some reason, nothing is coming. I have thoughts about a lot of things over the last couple days of grandma's departure into heaven...but when I try and recall those things, it's like I can't. I told mama today that I think I'm still emotionally stunned...almost in shock. It's like this... We've gone on for a long time with grandma the way she was, with some kind of physical illness...whether it was diabetes, or breast cancer, or leukemia...and now there's nothing. No sickness, no chaos...no grandma. It's so weird! I think all of us don't know what to do with ourselves!!! It's too quiet, there isn't enough noise, there isn't grandma asking for things, there isn't her words of gentle wisdom or spiritual guidance, there isn't the daily sound of 'Wheel of Fortune' and 'Jeopardy'... it's eerie... it shouldn't be!!!

In my head it makes sense...oh sure! But, to my heart, it's like death as come... because it has. I had prayed for days that the Lord would take grandma...I begged Him some days! But, now that things have calmed down...now that I pushed myself through all the preparations and dealings of the memorial service...I just want to collapse and not get up for a long time. Those emotions that I have held back of my own are now coming to the surface. I could tell people for the last week (even these last few days) that I am "ok"...because I have been. But I don't think I'm ok anymore. I WILL be....soon....but I'm not right now. Today was the actual burial...and I couldn't go. I didn't want to! I had no strength to. In fact none of my sisters, nor my mom, went. I don't even know how Grandpa did it! He wasn't going to...but then decided last night that he would. He said it was good for him to go, because it was something else for "closure"...and I'm glad, for him.

To be honest, I have gone through these last couple week like I have been...simply for my family. Yes, ok, some of it was for me. But, I had to do things and be a certain way that I wouldn't have if it was not for them...because of the pain that I saw in their eyes and the sadness that I heard from their hearts. I brought out "strong Jessica", and she remained, until yesterday. Today is "broken Jessica". Like my mama said the other day..."There are too much of my mom here, she's everywhere!" It's so true. This house was her dwelling place, and so much of it was tailored to her...right down to the toilet and the railing in the shower. Even the poems and pictures of people that she has always stuck on the walls all over the house... those things are all there still, in place.. but, she isn't. Of course we all feel thankful for all the years that we had with her, and for the things she poured into our lives!!! But right now, we just feel robbed, in a lot of ways. We miss her...and honestly, cannot believe she's gone. It doesn't feel right!

As much as we want to make sense of things...as much as we are trying to... there are still things that we can't get past. Things that we think of and feel...things that we won't let ourselves think and feel, too! For me, I will be haunted for a long time with images of her last days...the good and the bad. As for the good-- I will remember her using all her energy to sit up when the quartet and the elders came to sing for (and with) her, her pulling me close to hug me when I was snuggled up close to her one evening, and her telling me that she loves me. For the bad-- it's all those things that I did because I was here too help, she wanted me here...but some things I really wish I wouldn't of had to do. Like when she passed...when I had to help clothe her to be taken away that morning.. and when my aunt didn't want her hand to get cold, so she had us take turns holding it. There are lots of other memories that I could share...but, that would make this blog even longer than it is. All those memories will be flooding back for a while, I'm sure.

I would like to take a minute here to thank everyone who has loved my family and I through this whole thing. God has been so good to us through you, and because of your faithful prayers on our behalf. Thank you for the cards, calls, visits, food, flowers, thoughts, emails, comments...and anything else you did! Every bit of what you did through love touched our hearts, and have helped this process be one of healing...just knowing we are loved. The memorial service on Sunday was a success, I've been told. But, I truly believe it was so because of those who came and honored us with your presence. We needed those hugs...that's for sure! :) Keep us in prayer as we face these next few weeks and months, and as we all adjust to the differences.

I will be heading back to Lubbock on the 4th of April (this Friday). My family is sad to see me go, but I am so grateful that I have had this time with them. I look forward to seeing all of you who are in the Lubbock area. I've missed you, as only a Jessica heart could!!! :)

Flying to Jesus...Janie gets her garage!

2008-03-28T12:28:00.000-05:00

I don't know how to feel or what to say. I "know" a lot, yet words don't seem as comforting as a simple embrace right now...

Grandma asked us to move her yesterday afternoon (around 3pm), to make her more comfortable. That was the last time she spoke or opened her eyes. She laid like that for 6 hours, breathing slowly and lying so still and peaceful. Lani wouldn't leave her side, but just held her hand, faithfully. We all took turns holding her hand, her hand that wouldn't squeeze back...and we watched her breathe, kissed her gently, and told her that we "love her".

While we were getting ready for bed, and the house was quiet, Grandma went Home...while Lani held her hand. I had been in the kitchen talking with Jenny...when I came back in the room Lani whispered to me, "Grandma's gone." It was almost like I couldn't hear her, because I asked her to repeat it like two more times before I finally got what she was telling me. But when those words entered my ears, I went over to Lani and hugged her. I just held her for a while. She whispered, "I promised her in the hospital that I wouldn't let her die alone." She had fulfilled that promise. Grandma died around 12:30am.

I went and told everyone else. When I woke up Grandpa, his first words were, "Thanks you, Father." He hugged me for about 2 minutes, then got up and we started to figure out what we needed to do and who we needed to call. Mom and Lani were just so torn up. I have never seen my mother cry so hard, or be so heartbroken. They just sat by Grandma and cried and cried. Mom couldn't believe she was gone, and kept saying through tears, "I want more time with her." We waited up for the nurse to come unhook her, and then we waited until the people from the funeral home to come get her body at 6am. I went upstairs before that time, because I really didn't want to be around when that happened. I had helped "settle" the household somewhat, and I helped Lani prepare Grandma's body with the clothes we wanted her to be buried in....and then I went up stairs and went to sleep. I was so wiped out in every way. Mama came up to snuggle with me later. I woke up about 9:30am, after mom got up to go down stairs. A new day had begun...but much different than the day before.

Grandma wanted to be buried 24hours after she died. So, that should be today some time. I don't know if they will get it that, since we are up against a weekend. So, it might be Monday. Grandpa keeps trying to explain to me that we can go see where Grandma is buried later... but I think at least Jenny and Mom want to be there when she is actually buried. I will be making arrangements for Grandma's memorial service today and tomorrow. Because, as far as I know, with scheduling and time restraints, that will probably happen on Sunday afternoon.

Thank you to everyone who has loved us these last few weeks, who have come to see us and hug us, who have brought food and flowers, who have sent cards, and who have prayed. Please continue to as you see fit. We are praising God that she is with Him...but we hurt that she's no here...and that's just the way it is. Love you!

Wild Weather

2008-03-27T12:25:00.000-05:00

It's getting harder and harder to watch grandma struggle. Our nights are full of her uneasiness, and of her not being aware of what's going on...brain activity and her body shutting down. We just try and keep her comfortable, but even that is beginning to becoming nearly impossible...as we don't know how best to help in that effort. It's very frustrating to want to be merciful, and yet not know how to do that for the person you're caring for. Last night she thought that she needed to go to the bathroom...mom, Lani, and I were there (it was about 1:30am). We decided that we wouldn't try to get her up. She really can't do that, but her brain is telling her she can. So, we told her that it was ok if she went there. She looked at us in complete shock almost, "What!?", she said. We tried to make it ok with her, but she just moved and moved, getting her body all worked up, because she didn't know what was going on or how to help herself. It ended up being that she didn't need to go. It could be her body shutting down, it could be her remembering things from the last couple few days...who knows really. But all we could do is watch her fight... we had to sit back and fight inside not to "act", as we had been doing for so long. Later that night, she did the same for needing to barf. Now, she did do that...but that was much later. She's remembering things that are going on, but she doesn't know when those things are happening... and it's painful for me (us) to watch!

I just keep praying for God to be merciful, and what He will help her to be calm and at peace with things...so that she can let go, and go Home. She just doesn't seem to be able to do that... it's like she's trying to "do" something, or that she's hanging on for something... but none of us know what that is! It's extremely frustrating for me, and I find myself wanting to just cry... my heart just hurts for her, and for all of us who are closely connected with her. Those of us who care for her at night, also care for her in the daytime (only with more help). So, for this to be a 24/7 thing, around the clock, is hard, especially when you are so emotionally and physically drained. Please add to your prayers that God will take grandma Home-- and even though I know that He will do that in His own time, I'm also asking that He do that for US...as it's just hard to keep going each day. We're all drained and exhausted, and we just want her to be at peace.

Thank you all for your love, and prayers.

Singing for Heaven...

2008-03-25T21:36:00.000-05:00

I have really been amazed that I have continued these blogs like I have been! With all that's going on, and the day-to-day events...sometimes I feel like this week's been a month.

I didn't sleep much last night, probably 2 hours at most (and that was spread apart, 2-3 & 6-7am). But that's ok with me, because I wasn't tired...and me not sleeping means that others are!
That's really important, because otherwise they wouldn't be functional for taking care of things in the daytime. The needs daily are greater than those nightly. Another reason for my "un-sleep" is that Grandma has started breathing erratically...yesterday that started, and went all through the night. I just wanted someone to hear if she couldn't breathe and needed oxygen,

Today was an "ok" day for all of us. Some tears, some smiles, some laughter, some sing...with family and friends. Grandma has been sleeping for the last couple days, all day long. Her body is giving out, and everyday is new adventures for those of us who are helping to care for her. She can't really swallow anymore, and what she does consume (water, Tylenol, etc.) comes back up. She was able to keep down medicine yesterday, but that all changed today.

It's so hard to wait, and wait, and wait. To pray to the Lord for Him to take her home, and waiting on Him for that mercy. It was sweet of the elders from Bellevue and Dave Shaner to come and spend some time truly ministering to grandma's heart. They prayed over her (each of them took turns), then they shared how they loved her, they sang some (mom and I joined in... and grandma tried, in her minimal strength), and they read to her from God's Word. I'm very grateful for their merciful act of love in coming here to be with us for a little while. I think we as Christians should do more of that kind of "loving" than most of what we do...that goes for me too! People are the most important thing to God, and they were to Jesus when he was on earth. They need to be our "time" and our "importance", too. This is certainly something that I learned from watching my grandma's life. She loved people with much tenacity! :)

We really have been trying our best to cherish each moment that we have in a day right now. Grandma doesn't have that long left with us. She has moments of cognitive response... but for the most part, she is "out of it". Andy and Robin have been here almost every day this last week, Lani has been spending the night every night and caring for grandma during those hours, along with me. The rest of this household is trying to just manage daily stresses and cares, including feeding ourselves and resting well. It's amazing how much strength the Lord gives you when you don't trust your own strength. I guess that's the way it works anyway.

It's hard for me to understand myself. I'm pushing through like I always do, and doing it fairly well (most of us are doing the same)...but I feel like my emotions are on "hold". I cried so much on Sunday...probably for many reasons. But, since then, it's like a wall. I guess my time will come when the floodgates will be released and the water will come forth...but until then, I'm just doing what is needed.

For those of you who are reading this. I will blog to let you know when grandma passes. I will also leave the itinerary for the memorial service on here, so that you will know when and where that is happening. I certainly know the "where" (Bellevue C. of C.), but as to the "when"...only the Lord knows that one!

Thank you for your love, and know that we love you back!

"Monday, Monday..."

2008-03-24T12:32:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone!
Hope you all had a wonderful Easter celebration with those you love!

I decided to take a break from blogging yesterday, because it was Easter and on top of that we had so many people in and out of the house (family and friends). I was wiped out all day, as I think I forgot to take my depression medication the night before. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep (Lani neither) since last Monday, so I took advantage of the chance and took a 3 1/2 hour "nap" once I got back from Assembly. I had the weirdest dream (I've been having those every couple days)...I dreamt that *I was napping, I needed to get up and "do stuff", but that I was so tired that I didn't.* I told mom later and she said (jokingly), "Jess, that wasn't a dream, that is reality!" It's true...that's my world right now.

So, you may have wondered over the weekend how Grandma is doing...let me share that with you...and a little bit of how our Easter Sunday went:

Our nights have been crazy here. Grandma seems to spike a temperature around 9 or 10 each night (sometimes later than that), and it usually takes us about 2 hours to get it back down to where Lani feel comfortable about doing some "sleeping".

If I remember right, Saturday night was hectic and I didn't get a lot of sleep (my memory of nights are running together, sorry). I woke up in the morning and got ready to take Jamy, Jenny, and Grandma to the Assembly. Grandpa almost didn't go, but I encouraged him because I know he needed to go (for his own spiritual and emotional health). So, we all went...I cried through service and held the girls' hands. Everything made me cry yesterday, which is good I guess...I needed to cry. We had a baptism after worship...of a young teen, a boy from a family I haven't met yet. So that was awesome!!!

When we got home from meeting with the church, my Uncle Andy was here with his family. They came to celebrate Easter with us. Robin (his wife) made us lunch, which was really sweet of her. It was nice to have them here. (Andy has been coming over everyday, and it's been good to have him with us.) They spent the whole day with us. Around 4:30pm I woke up to the sound of music in my ears! The Quartet (the "Rearrangers": John Parente, David Hogue, Stephen Lockwood, and Becca Turner) came to sing a few songs for Grandma. A couple of them brought their wives, and it was good to have them all with us for a while. These guys are close to my heart, as they are to all my family...they are certainly dearly loved by us! ("Thanks you for coming...you can't imagine how you ministered to our spirits!") Grandma had Lani get her ready for them to come, and then had Lani sit her in a big chair. This is the first time in days that she has done that, and I know that she did it for those who came to see her. My Grandma has always been one to put on her best face for company...and yesterday was no different! She even sang some, when she could, offered song requests, and made jokes. It was neat to see her "come to life" with those she loves. The Quartet always seems to come when she (and we) needs them the most...yesterday was one of those days.

Last night was a good night, for which I thank the Lord for. She threw up around 10:30pm, and that always exhausts her. Lani and I were barely making it through the first part of the night without totally going to sleep. So, I was grateful to God that her fever was early and minimal. It only got as high as 100.8, and we were able to quickly bring it down before 1am. After that she went to sleep (except for needing to get up once in the night), and we did too. I set my cell phone alarm for 4:30am, when we would need to give her more Tylenol...and then again, for 8:30am (by that time Grandpa was up). This morning the nurse came to check on her. He is a Christian and prays with Grandma (he's super sweet). I love how the Lord works things out like that! He's so amazing!! Our fence (on the side of the house) blew down yesterday with the wind, so Andy came today with "materials" and is fixing it today. We've had problems with that fence for a while, ever since the big windstorm (December 2006). We haven't really taken care of issues like that for a while, because since 2004 my grandparents have had cancer. This whole "health-stuff" has certainly been long in duration!

So, that's how things are, as of right now. Grandma's resting, we continue to do what's needed daily (for her, and for us). Thanks for all your prayers, and for your continued love and support!
Love in Christ, Jessica

Saturday Sunshine

2008-03-22T12:27:00.000-05:00

I wish I could explain how these last few days have been...and I guess I have been trying to, but in reality, how do you put into words the emotions you feel when so many people around you are hurting--each in their own way. It's hard for me, as a "mercy shower" to comfort them all well... but I just keep trying to do my best. Do you ever have those moments when you feel like God has prepared you for a certain moment in time? I feel like He has been preparing me for this moment...to be able to minister to my family, and those who will miss my grandma after she goes home to be with the Lord. It's certainly nothing that I have inside...but all of what He is giving me to pass along to those around me. I have a peace that can't be explained, and a stamina that is surprising even myself.

It's been hard to see Grandpa cry...because he normally doesn't. But, as the days get closer both of them have been becoming more emotional. He said he was up from 1-4 crying last night and then finally went in and got some Benadryl to help him breathe. I just keep trying to give him big, long hugs and do what I can for him when I can. I did some organizing and cleaning of the house today...because things have just been moved and shoved into corners since about Christmas because my family's focus has been so wrapped up in caring for Grandma and Grandpa. It looks and feels better now, which makes me happy.

The hospice people brought her oxygen machine today (along with some extra, portable tanks), and a new porta-potty (a better, higher one). We also have been concerned about the bed they brought here for her being "broken". The guy checked it when he came today, and sure enough... it doesn't have some kind of bar in the middle, so she sinks. It's a bit annoying (to be perfectly honest...maddening) that they would even give a bed out that's like that!!! So, we have to wait until Monday to get it changed, and she's had that bed for about 2 weeks already. I think the reason why we didn't say anything is because-- 1) We were focused on too many other things, and 2) We didn't really know any different. Anyway, that's the deal.

Today's a bright sunny day...so that's lovely!!! :) Keep those prayers goin'! Thank you!

Another Day...

2008-03-21T18:52:00.000-05:00

Every day is unique at the Miller/Smith household. That's why I am the way I am! :)
Grandma is still able to get around to the bathroom, except for when her temperature is really high. At night sometimes she can't make it, so we have a porta-potty available for her. Nightlife around here is interesting. She is usually active around 2-5...so Lani and I are up with her about that time. For the most part, after 5 or 5:30 she sleeps well. Last night wasn't so good, she threw up again...which made her feel awful today. However, we had lots of company today and she was up and responsive when they were here. People charge her up, so even if she isn't feeling well she will wake up and "try" to entertain. :) That's just Grandma!

I think the hardest thing right now is when she gets in these really emotional moods. She'll be fine for a while, and then start crying and crying and saying stuff like "I'm sorry I won't be here to love you" or "I hope the girls know that I tried to fight...". I'll just hold her hand or kiss her face and say, "It's ok, Grandma...we understand...I love you." When she's in these moments, it's almost like she's in another part of her mind. That's what her anxiety meds help with, so we try to keep them faithfully flowing through her every 4 hours as suggested.

Please be praying for all of us here (here whole family)...some of us are dealing with this better than others. I guess this is the way it is in any family, but it's hard that right now it's mine. Some of us only cry in the dark, with no one around...others of us feel aright with being all "teary-eyed"...some, you have no idea what they're thinking or feeling (and they don't care to tell you). So, pray for me, as I try my best to be a comfort to my family...sometimes I don't know how.

Thank you, from all my family, for those who have called, sent cards, and have come by to visit. It means so much to all of us (especially to Grandma) that people are showing the love they have in their heart, and loving us with love of Christ. Just so you know...it would be better for us if those of you who call would do so after 10am and before 10pm. The home phone is in the living room, and that's where Grandma, Lani and I are sleeping. Thank you! You are greatly appreciated. For those of you who need the home phone, email me and I will give it to you.

Love you lots!
Jessica

Ups and Downs

2008-03-20T11:43:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was one of those days that you just keep moving and pray for the end.

She had a good night on Tuesday (for the most part), and the morning time was good. We had a visit from Dave Shaner (minister at Bellevue) and Jeb Bristow-Hanna (youth minister at Bellevue) in the early afternoon. Grandma was happy to see and talk with them. They had to wait in the dining room for a little bit while the nurse from the hospital got Grandma hooked up with the morphine drip that goes directly into her port (she can control her own pain meds, when she needs them). It runs continuously, and then she can hit it every 15 minutes if need be.
After Dave and Jeb left, we had a couple hours before our family friends got her from southern California. They have been long time friends of my grandparents, from when my grandparents lived in Lonpoc. They stayed the day (and night) with us.

About 6 in the evening she got the shakes again, which meant her fever was coming back up. Grandpa had covered her (she hates being cold), then I went in to check on her. She was doing the whole "I need to barf" thing again...but didn't. I just stayed there for about 10 minutes until she felt alright, then I checked her temperature (101.4) and then checked her medicine chart for when the last dose of Tylenol was given her. It was time for it, so I gave her that. I moved down the sidebars on her bed and wrapped my arm around her so that I could tell when she stopped shaking. I checked her temperature about every 30 mins. to see how it was declining or progressing. About 6:30 mom started singing with Andy (my uncle), and then everyone who was in the dining room came in...we sang for about 15 minutes. Then I checked Grandma's temperature again (she was really hot) and it was at 103.7. Far too high for her. So, I told mom and we hopped into action, trying to bring it down. I had grandpa call her doctor, but he couldn't get a hold of him...so I had him call 911. They sent someone out, they took her vitals and stuff... but the only thing they could have done was take her to the hospital. Even in her half "awake" state she said "no". I didn't mean for them to take her either, and I told them that...so they left. We finally got a hold of a nurse who told us to alternate Tylenol and Ibuprofen every 2 hours and put ice under her arms and stuff...so we did that. It took us about an hour to get it down to 101 again. It was really scary for me. Once she was out of "danger", I sat on her bed (she wanted to hold my hand) and tears streamed own my face. Mom came over and hugged me.

She had a better night. She actually sat up and talked with everyone until my uncles and his wife left. My aunt Lani stayed the night, in case I needed her help with Grandma. It was a rough night for me...up every 2 hours to give her meds. but she did really well sleeping, and I was thankful for that. Grandpa slept excellent last night (only once he get up, and he didn't even remember that)...and that is the whole reason why I'm sleeping in the living room! That makes me feel successful and truly thank the Lord that I am here. Grandpa has needed that sleep!
So far today, things are good.

Thanks for the continued prayers. Know that your love and thoughtfulness means so much to all of us. Grandpa was actually sitting by grandma this morning (around 8) and talking to me about how he's always appreciated God's people and the churches that he's been a part of...how they have come through when he's in need. It brought tears to his eyes.
Just know that your love is touching our hearts!

Through the Night

2008-03-19T13:02:00.000-05:00

Every day is filled with new adventures
...(some of them you don't really want to experience).

Yesterday was a good day for most of us. My Aunt Lani comes over every morning around 10 and stays until about noon...so we saw her. After that I stayed and watched over Grandma while she slept, so that Grandpa could sleep (because he had been up from 2-5 with Grandma that night--to and from the bathroom). Later in the day, my sisters and I took our dog (Jena) to Seward Park and walked around the 3 mile loop. It was a beautiful day, and Lake Washington was simply gorgeous! We stopped about half way around and threw rocks into the lake...seeing who could throw the furthest. It was a nice diversion for a while. We laughed a lot yesterday too, and I know all of us needed that. My sisters are hilarious! :)

Mom made lamb for Grandma in the afternoon, along with rice and mixed vegitables. Grandma has been wanting lamb for a while, and she just ate it up. She hasn't been eating much at all, so that was a good moment. She wanted me to eat lamb with her and remember Jesus (the Lamb, who takes away the sin of the world)...so Grandpa and I did just that.

Evenings seem to be the worst for Grandma. Around 7pm her fever came back up and even with tylenol she'll shake for about 30 minutes. She wanted mom to come and hold her hand until the shakes went away...so mom did that. Grandma just cried and cried, swimpered really...like a little child. I snuggled up to mom and held her while she held Grandma...and Grandma rambled things like, "I'm sorry I won't be able to be here to love you" (talking to mom). Mom could bearly handle it, this whole thing has been so tough on her...so she turned her head and placed it within the crevis of my neck and shed a few tears. If I was my mom, I would be crying more than she is, but it's hard for her to cry anyway. It was one of those moments you are just "in", but don't want to be.

Last night I told Grandpa that I would sleep out in the livingroom with Grandma, so that she would have someone to help walk her to the bathroom in the middle of the night (so that he could sleep). So, that's just what I did. We placed the 2 big chairs together with the ottoman in the middle, blankets and pillows, and "Voila!" a bed! :) Grandma woke up around 3 with a 100.9 fever (and she needed to go to the bathroom). Before I could get up, Grandpa was out there...so the two of us took her. After getting her back to bed, and gettng some tylenol in her and her anti-nausia/anxiety pill, I stayed up and sat with her for about 30 minutes. I had just gotten back in bed when she needed to go to the bathroom again, so I got her up and we walked. Grandpa came out to see if he could be of any help. After I brought her back to bed, I went into the kitchen to see what Grandpa was going (he gets in this mode of "doing", no matter what time of the day or night it is). I hugged him and said, "Grandpa, I'm sleeping in the livingroom for a reason...you should go back to bed." So, he did. I was glad, because he got a much better nights sleep last night. So, I will be doing that again tonight...because it seems to work for everyone involved. I can always take a nap, but he can't go all night and all day too.

This morning I woke up to Grandpa around 7am, and that was about the time when Grandma needed her tylenol and pill again. I went back to sleep for another hour or so after we got her comfortable again, and Grandpa headed off with a friend to the V.A. (vets. assoc.) to take care of something. Once Lani got here at 10, then mom woke up. Around 11 she called for Grandpa (while I was online) and so I went to see what she needed (he was on the phone). She needed a "barf bucket", so I pulled it over for her and she threw up. I think most of it was blood and water, which was sad...but is going to be part of the whole process (internal bleeding). The nurse is here right now to hook her up to a IV that will allow her to control her own flow of morphine.
So, that's the scoop of the last day.

Thank you for all your prayers!!! Know that they are a blessing to my family, and to myself.
I love you all.

Flight to Seattle

2008-03-18T01:45:00.000-05:00

So, last Monday my Aunt bought me a ticket to come home...and today I flew 6 hours to come home. Grandma had my Aunt cancel all her medical appointments, and in doing so has made the decision to let herself go "Home". Everyone is dealing with it best they can, and life is trying to go on as "normal" here. I got to talk with Grandma this evening and she caught me up on what's been going on with her (and any other random tidbits that she could remember about what's up with other people as well). She told me the saddest thing... she said that even though I haven't been here, she sees me. When the light catches the gold in one of my sisters' hair, or when they dress like me, etc...she sees me. It's good to be home, even if just to bring comfort to those who have missed me and have wanted me here. It's going to be a tough week, as it's been said that she may not make it to Sunday...but only God knows that.

Please keep my family in your prayers. I know many of you are already doing that, and I thank you! Your love and prayers help keep us sane. If any of you want to send cards to my family, here is the address of where to send them to:

Miller/Smith Household
6915 Seward Park Ave. So.
Seattle, Wa. 98118

With love,
Jessica

Sun, Snow, Sun, no...Snow!

2008-03-07T22:18:00.000-06:00

Crazy Weather of Lubbock!

It has certainly been an interesting past week! We have had 2 days of seriously freezing temperatures, and 2 days of 75-degree-glorious-wear-your-sunglasses type days. Very interesting, indeed. I have never lived in Lubbock with this type of craziness! Not to mention the dust storms we've had this season!!! Where was all of this unpredictable weather when I was going through AIM!? I dunno how I missed it.

To get you a little caught up with me, and what's going on in my world...

I have been struggling with being apart from what's going on in Seattle (with my family). For those of you who don't know. My grandma isn't doing well in her fight against Leukemia. The doctors told us last week that they couldn't do anything else for her, and so she has come home. All she can do now is return to the hospital every2-3 days for a platelet shot, which will keep her blood from thinning out. Once she stops those, however, she could only last 3-10 days. So, I have been on-call for the past week & 1/2...waiting for them to call me back to Washington. It's been a hecktic time for all of us. I am trying to maintain a sense of normalacy for myself... but with much of my mind "back home" it's been hard to stay focused some days.

Depression Update...

I had one week when I was feeling better (toward the middle of Febuary), but since then, I have been back to having up and down days. Not as bad as before...but certainly frustrating. I suppose (even if I don't want to admit it) I was hoping that I would be more "balanced" in emotion...and I still feel tired, seriously unmotivated at times, and wanting to just have a "Cry-a-Thon". I feel like I'm still fighting really hard to get over to the "other side" of the depression wall, but struggling to pull myself up and over. The doctor has already had to up my medicine once, after the initial "plan of action". I am grateful to have such a skilled doctor working with me, and I truly thank the Lord for Miss Terri and her "kill the buffalo" mentality! :) Because I will be honest...I don't normally admit this...I could not "rescue" myself. God has really been working in my heart and challenging me to give things over to Him. He has provided such an incredible group of friends who have been a great source of love and encouragement for me right now.

Upcoming Events...

In just a few days AIMers from the 2005 class will be flooding in to Lubbock (if they aren't here already)! Graduation is on Saturday, March 15th, this year. I can't believe it's been a whole year since I was the one graduating with my class of 50+ . In fact, it was just a couple days ago (March 5th) that I left my little apartment in France and headed back to the U.S. I have to say, it's been a crazy year...with lots of twists and turns...but I'm thankful for all of them, good and difficult. I know that God is working in the things that I have been worried about...(consumed by, actually)...but I feel like my faith is really small at the moment. I just keep praying that God will help me to be faithful and to hang on to His love.

Mexico...a few captured memories

2008-02-19T22:00:00.000-06:00

I thought it would be nice to put some pictures of my time in Mexico on here. Hope you all enjoy them!

Thinking of Mexico

2008-02-15T21:16:00.000-06:00

The AIM group has been back from its trip to Mexico City for almost 24 hours...and being back in America is still odd. I can flush toilet paper, and that seems weird to do after not being able to for a week. It's interesting the things one wants to do (or not do) after being in another place, with a different people. I wish I could adequately discribe to you how being in Mexico made me feel. But, to put it plainly...God worked on me. He showed me aspects of myself that I needed to see, and He did some rearranging of the rooms of my heart. I would like to share with you what I wrote down as I worshipped with the church (last Sunday), which meets at the Pink House in Mexico City:

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Sunday Thoughts, from the Pink House….
(Mexico City: 2-10-2008)

Matthew 28:16-20

Personal Questions:

What is Jesus calling me to? Is it not to reach out from where I am to the hearts of the Lost around me? Am I fulfilling that mission!? What is keeping me from doing that!? Have I really adapted the concept that Jesus is conveying in Matthew 28? Have I really become a true disciple …one who is focused and determined??? Where is my heart leading, by the Spirit???

My Thoughts:

Being here in Mexico, at this moment I feel like my heart is breaking. I’ve been here in this place (in this city) before, so why am I moved to tears!? I wonder if my heart has realized that its desire is to work in a place where churches are few, and workers are even fewer. I was honest with myself right now I’d respond with a huge, “Yes!”

For the Communion time this morning, the statement that impacting me most is this: “Whatever you believe…that is what you will live, that’s what you will practice.” What do I believe, and how am I living as a result of that belief???

I really miss having a mission (or at least feeling like I have one)…or rather one which has been clearly set before me in black and white. Right now, after worshipping with the church here, I feel like a part of me has been awakened after a time of being asleep. I miss struggling in another country, I miss struggling for (and with) the Lost.

I God calling my heart to missions once again!? Don’t we have the same mission (or “calling”) no matter where our current location happens to be?? But, honestly, I feel like He wants me to step outside of myself and my comfort to head out to a foreign field. I don’t know when that will be…but I truly feel like my heart would be happiest helping to build up the church outside the U.S. I wonder how the Lord will do that, or what that will look like. Maybe Mexico will be a part of that grand “unknown”.

Tears of Thankfulness

2008-02-04T17:56:00.000-06:00

Today was another visit to talk with my new counselor...the second trip, to be exact. Last time was pretty difficult, as I felt all bottled up inside. But, this time was a little better. Not much...but somewhat. He said he could tell a difference in me since the last time, which is encouraging. I told him it was because I was all held up inside last time...and he said, "I could tell." That's nice when your counselor can actually notice changes in your being. He seems to be very perceptive, which I'm thankful for. I think my biggest frustration is just knowing where to start from, and then how much to begin with, and then feeling like it's not going a fast as I would like (or whatever)...and then not allowing all those thoughts (tapes) to filter in and take over. It's hard not to have expectations sometimes...especially when I feel more like "myself"...which makes me want to charge on with mucho gusto! THAT is what I have to be careful for...because I tend to want to run ahead of myself (and God)! I don't know how to just be ME, and be ok with that. I mean, there are a lot of things I want to do, and just don't feel capable of accomplishing. I'm looking forward to the day when I can connect the knowledge that I have stored up inside me with the agility to process... which I hope will resort in added wisdom.

It's been a week now since I started taking my new depression medication. I actually have begun to feel somewhat "normal"...if that's even a catagory. My emotions feel less "intense" and I am actually feeling more able of handling everyday occurances, like school, or feeding myself, or smiling. It's not as much of an effort to smile, and it's actually sincere. I mean, I still have bad days where I just want to sleep the day away, and there are still days when I don't want to eat...(today's one of those days)...but I'm not at the place I was a week or so ago, where I just laid on the floor and cried. I'm still seeking, but I'm not at that point of desperateness that wanted an immidiate fix.

The best way for me to describe things sometimes are in word pictures, because there are time when words just won't do very well. To explain how I've felt for so long...it's like this:
In heart I am a long distance runner...but I have felt for most of my life that my heart and my legs don't have the same plan. That the training I have doesn't allow me to go long-term, only short-term...maybe because that's what I've learned. So much of the patterns from my homelife have only enabled me to process quickly but for the momen...like for a dash, not a marithon. I hope that God will continue to grow me, so that I CAN run the race for Him with more endurance and devotion. Also, another way I could discribe it is like this: I feel like I keep trying to ride this horse that God has given me, but when I say "GO...yah...giddy up...", it just stands there, unwilling to move. I become extremely frustrated (with the horse, and then with myself), because I know where I want to go...but my commands mean nothing to the horse! Then people look at me (or rather, I get self-conscience) and wonder what my problem is, why I cannot get my horse to walk, run...or even MOVE! That makes me feel very incapable of anything, to be honest. I really look forward to having some answers, to knowing more about me...hopefully be able to understand why the horse won't go, and why I can't run the distance.

Thank you for the continued prayers! Please remember the AIM group, as we prepare to head to Mexcio City (Mexico) this Thursday for a week of culture and experience. There will hopefully be a lot of changed hearts (and lives), because the Lord will be involved (as he always is)! :)

Thanks!

2008-02-01T14:28:00.000-06:00

I've been having some better days recently. Don't know if that has anything to do with the new medication I've been on, or if problems are not as big in my life right now. Well, I know the problems are still as big and as complicated...so, it may be a mixture of things involved in my "ok-ness" at the moment. I would say it's God, working things only God can.

It's really funning to me, because I have wondered if anyone actually reads these blogs I write. I really have no clue who comes on and checks this site, but I DO know that it's been very theraputic for me to write all this out to a world unknown. So, to those of you who read this blogsite from time to time...thanks for letting me ramble on. Please continue to pray for me (the prayers are working), and thank you for listening! :)

--Me

Can you say, "Psychiatrist"?

2008-01-28T18:01:00.000-06:00

Ok, right off the bat...just to get this off my chest...

"No, I'm not crazy...just a little unbalanced."

Now...I thought there were some things that were crazy about me...but am beginning to find out that I am perfectly "normal"...just someone who needs something to help keep things in check.

I've been struggling on my own for a long time, and I have been shown from several people recently (who know me, and are fighting for me right now) that I can get help in this area... so that I can deal with life a bit (or a lot) better. For anyone who has struggled with depressing for an extended period of time...you know how hard it is to even admit that you cannot do it (whatever "it" is) on your own (because you think you should be capable)! It's starts to affect the spiritual aspect of your person, and that causes one to think that they don't have enough faith in God or that they must be weaker than those around them. This is what I have dealt with for most of my life....especially since around the age of 12 and 13.

So, I will try some new approaches (with my "team" of fighters)...and will keep striving to be whole. BUT!....I have come to the point within myself where I know that I am not the one who will save myself. I know this sounds silly...because I'm a Christian...and I have confessed that Jesus is my Savior. BUT!...because of my up-bringing I have convinced myself that I have more control than I do. BUT!...I don't...and I have pretty much come to the end of my rope. Good thing God is at the end of the rope! ;)

Storm--by Life House

2008-01-26T23:31:00.000-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6o-OJWINPpE

I needed to put this song on here for you all to listen to, because it has become my "theme song" this last month...especially these last couple weeks. I've seen a lot of darkness. But!, in it's in the midst of darkness that Jesus can shine the brightest! Enjoy! :)

Overload

2008-01-25T22:54:00.000-06:00

I've decided that being counseled has become for me like removing my teeth without any pain killers. (Um...or maybe that's what I'm already doing on my own!?)

I went to a new counselor today. Mrs. Terri took me, and was my "mama bear" for the afternoon. I was so grateful for her "hand to hold"...because as calm as I wanted to "appear", I was sick inside. I just don't want to have to repeat painful things in the view of growth...but I guess that's how I have to do it. Not that I am afraid of doing that. No, no I'm not... I'm just really, really tired!!! I don't have much energy to trudge through the past right now. And right now, when I do...I usually end up crying (which I didn't do today, because something switched off in me)! I had Terri there, and I still didn't feel "safe". Maybe because I am scared, and just don't want to think I am...or for others to think I am??? There's a thought... maybe I am lying to myself, about myself, and how I really react to things??? Interesting. But how am I doing that???...that's the question. Anyhow...going to talk with him should be better than putting my "car in neutral, then pressing on the gas" all the time, like I've been doing.

Please pray for me...that I can allow God to do the work, and that I will be brave enough to let Him in. I want Him in...I just have areas that I don't know how to give Him yet. Silly me... trying to protect God from myself!!! ---I'm just wearing my poor little self out.

Sunset Mission Workshop!!!

2008-01-23T23:02:00.000-06:00

Today was the beginning of the 4 day extraviganza which is called, the "Sunset Mission Workshop"! I remember the last time I was able to attend...my first time, and that was about 3 years ago (when I was in AIM). Hard to believe it was that long ago--but, it's true. Last time I helped Terri (who was the Dean of Women at that time) in the kitchen, did tape recording for the Ladies Classes, and a few other tidbits of "gofer-ing". All of which I loved and adored...(because I was with her). This time I get to work with Sharon (my adopted mama, and fellow SIBI-dweller) in the area of Hospitality! (Oh, how I love to work with these funtions!!!...It brings such joy to my heart!) The workshop will continue through Saturday (although some folks probably won't get enough "fellowshipping" in by that then, so they'll stay for church on Sunday). I'm looking forward to the classes, the hugs and talks from those I've missed, and all the joy of the atmosphere. Isn't God good!?

On another note...
I am doing better today. No, I'm not out of the water yet...but I'm not drowning. I feel like God has graced me with a good day, and revealed to me that there really IS hope beyond what I can see with my small eyes and narrow vision! I had to talk to Him today. He just showed me too many wonderful things throughout the day...and He has been doing that....I have just been in too much pain to accept them. But today I did...even though at times it felt forced. And I ate! Something at every "meal time"!!! And I drank water. Part of me had to, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to funtion like I did today (and I knew that)...partly I ate because I knew Sharon needed me to be healthy. But, part of me was glad to eat...and for that, I was happy.

Thanks for the prayers that you all are offering on my behalf...for healing, and for growth in faith. We really do serve a God who can do the IMPOSSIBLE...I just got that.

Love you all.

Inner Emotions Expressed by a Song

2008-01-20T21:45:00.000-06:00

Storm, by Lifehouse

How long have I been in this storm?

So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form

Water's getting harder to tread

With these waves crashing over my head

~~~~

If I could just see you

Everything would be all right

If I could see you

This darkness would turn to light

~~~~

And I will walk on water

And you will catch me if I fall

And I will get lost into your eyes

And everything will be all right

~~~~

I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown

So why am I ten feet under and upside down

Barely surviving has become my purpose

Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface

~~~~

If I could just see you

Everything would be all right

If I could see you

This darkness would turn to light

~~~~

And I will walk on water

And you will catch me if I fall

And I will get lost into your eyes

And everything will be all right

No Emotion

2008-01-19T17:33:00.000-06:00

I think the hardest thing is feeling like you don't know who you are. Now, I know who I am...and probably could give you a pretty good rundown of what makes up "Jessica". But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm expressing the side of me that feels lost right now. The part of me that I need to give up, but I feel like I need to keep. A part of me that's been "me" for so long that I don't know why it's even there. Does that make sense to anyone other than me at this moment???

I have had no motivation today to do anything other than sleep. I was suppose to cover lots of areas today...mostly reading. But, didn't...at least not yet. And I am feeling more and more overwhelmed as the days push on. As a "Stable" personality, I feel rather unstable! And I feel like a failure in lots of areas right now. I know most people wouldn't call me that...in fact, it probably would be the last thing someone would call me. But, today, that's how I feel. So, I want to sleep...and motivation isn't there to do anything else.

I look at the world around me...and think about the people who are struggling more than me...I'm ashamed of myself! "This is rediculous, Jessica...pull it together! You're no more special than those you know, and you cannot help them like this. You cannot even be a funtioning person, AIM Assistant, friend, sister, or daughter being the way you are right now!" I'm tired of this stupid run around! I'd rather pretend I was someone without any concerns, put on the happy face, etc...because all this "depression" does is worry people and cause a lack of trust in me. At least those are my thoughts.

So, that is how I feel...while in bed under the covers this afternoon.

Up, and Down...and Over Again.

2008-01-18T18:47:00.000-06:00

Today started off a bit rough...to put it lightly. I pounced out of bed at 8:10 this morning, having turned off my alarm 30 minutes earlier, and was re-awakened by the sound of "knocking" on our apartment door. I hadn't gotten to sleep until some time after 5am, and hadn't eaten much that day before...so to say I was wiped out is an understatement. My dearest Pam road with her sister to school (that's what the knock on the door was about), so after throwing myself together in 10 minutes...I headed out the door and drove off (in Alisha's car), making it to school around 8:30. "Thank the Lord," I thought, "I'm not late!" I really hate being late to anything.

I get there and am actually able to stand on my own two feet (bearly)...then proceed to sit down by two of my favorite people ever (Dennis and Sharon) for the duration of Chapel. Class was good too. But after not having breakfast (3 days in a row), it's hard to concentrate. I did concentrate however, and took good notes. It was a fantastic 1st class in Evangelistic Methods. Our teacher is a really neat man by the name of Jerry Tallman. Look him up if you've never heard of him before...he's awesome! Class (one class), this one class, was from 9:20-1:00. You can imagine how hungry I was...or would have been, if food didn't make me want to throw up right now. I was glad class was over. :)

I was excited about my next appointment! I was going to have a "ladies only" date with one of my adopted "mamas" (Terri). I love going and doing "whatever" with her. There are only a couple handfuls of ladies whom, over the course of my life, I can spend hours with and feel like hardly any time has passed. Terri is one of those priceless women. We went to this neat little restaurant, which reminded me a lot of those one would find in Strasbourg (France). I ordered myself some tortilla soup...which was good...the company was far better. I could have certianly eatten up a few more hours of the company than another bowl of that soup. The soup wasn't bad...just, on the scale of life, people are more precious than soup! I don't know if Terri realizes this (or if all the lovely women in my life realize this), but her love heals aspects of my heart each time I'm around her. We should never forget how powerful our presence is in another's life, nor the impact God will have if we only let Him work through us!

After lunch, and visiting, and crying...Pam and I went to Walmart. Ok, now I have been looking for some pillows for our couches here at the apartment. I checked Walmart's pillows...the ones I was considering were $8.88. Now, for me, that's a bit much for 8 pillows (do the math). Ones which will be thrown by AIMers (and rarely by Assistants) and probably drooled on at times! So, I thought to myself, "I can make my own pillows...I've done it before...and they'll probably be cheaper!" Here I go, to the fabric section of Walmart, and take a look at what they have there. I found 2 kinds, took them to the counter, and asked the lady how much fabric I needed for 8 pillows. She told me a yard per pillow. Ok, I know that sounds like a lot of fabric (it did for me too), but, being in the state I am, went with it. Well, I must say, the colors are perfect for our couches!!! And it only took $60. to do it! But, since I got more than I needed for pillows (thanks to the lady at Walmart), I will be making a throw blanket and some curtains. :) I also bought myself some flowers. I needed those flowers today...

So, that's my day. It was good...and I enjoyed it.

Being Honest

2008-01-17T21:20:00.000-06:00

I've decided to use this blogsite to be honest. Ok, yes, with you (the readers), but mainly with myself...and that seems to be really important at the moment.
I don't know how well people will take to that...
Seeing as I am well known by many (well, those who know me),
and in some circles am suppose to have it all together.

"Well, I'm in a Bible School...learning how to minister...working with AIMers,
for goodness sakes!"

But, in all honesty...I feel like a wreck.

I love what I do, where I am, where God's taking me!!! How I feel about me is not a reflection on that aspect of my life at all. Some days, I feel like, being here...doing what I'm doing...is the only thing keeping me sane.

But, even though I love what I'm doing (all of it);
I don't understand myself...
I feel lost...
I neglect my food consumption on purpose some days...
I'm negative of myself, far more than I'll be of anyone else--ever!...
I find most days to be hard to deal with right now.

And yet...

I know God loves me...
I have an amazing source of His Family around me...
I am seeking advice and help for the journey...
I am reaching out...
I am making changes, slowly.

Please be praying for me, and that I will let God heal and grow me.
That I can use this time to dig deep, and that satan will stay far from me.

Love you all!

2008-01-14T16:34:00.000-06:00

I thought I would start this new year out by subscribing to a new blogsite! I have used some smaller scaled alternatives before...but thought it would be nice to have a place where I could share some thoughts with you all and keep you a little more updated on my day to day activities. Life changes...quite a bit actually...and I would like you to join me in the journey!

Please pray that God will continue to grow me...challenge me...and use me thoughout this year.
Love you lots!